Post
by Aly » Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:04 pm
Sweetie. Just...STOP for a moment, okay? Stop and breathe and calm down.
I know things feel too hard right now, I know they do. But sweetie, please don't lose sight of the fact that they will pick up. It might take some time, and it might feel like you don't want them to. But regardless of that, they will pick up. And you won't feel like this forever. Even if you won't let yourself believe it, I will make you listen to it. Things will get better, because as you have said before, life is a cycle of good and bad things.
I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you. I know that you just want to give up, I know that you have been wanting to give up for quite some time now. I cannot fully express how proud I am that you are still here. You haven't given up, even though you want to. You are still surviving! Don't worry about the coping, that will come. It is enough that you are surviving sweetie.
Don't invalidate the achievement on staying on top of the work! Considering how awful you feel right now, you are doing such a good job. Sweetie, listen to me, okay? You. Are. Not. A. Failure. Do you hear that? You were taking five subjects! At AS Level, that is a lot. You were taking so many subjects and staying on top of them whilst feeling as bad as you do. How amazing is that? I wish I could get you to see what an achievement that is. And even though you can't right now, one day, I am positive you will see how well you did. For nearly a term you kept it up, even though it felt like the sky was falling in.
And then, you made a really mature, really sensible decision to give up a subject, so you could get good grades. Sweetie, that is such a good thing. It doesn't make you a failure. Not even close. Don't forget that you already have an AS Level. You will have 5 by the end of this year. Exactly what you wanted. And if you keep doing what you're doing; working, understanding, putting effort in, then you will come away with 4 good AS Levels. Don't put silly amounts of pressure on yourself. You can do without that.
I know that you don't feel those things about yourself. But you are still them. You are still sensible and intelligent. You were sensible and intelligent enough to recogise that you needed to give up Maths. That's a big thing to recognise. You're not content right now sweetie, but you will be. You will. Trust me on this one. Hun, you are funny, friendly and caring. You give so much to other people. Sometimes at the detriment to yourself. You give and give and give. That's a big thing. That's being caring and friendly. You always have a smile for someone, a hug, a hello, a quick chat, etc. You make people laugh, you cheer them up. You are still funny.
And Alice hun, you are so strong. Although you don't feel it, it goes back to how you are surviving. You are surviving even though it feels like there is nothing to survive for. You are surviving even though life is unbelievably hard now. You are surviving, and you are doing well at college. That is strength right there lovely. Strength isn't never feeling upset or hurt. Being strong isn't about always being happy and everything always going smoothly. Strength is carrying on even when every inch of you is screaming not to. Strength is carrying on with life, and not collapsing. Although I think you could do with telling people that you're not coping, it shows how much strength you have that you are keeping up, so well - which is not good in most ways - the pretence that everything is fine.
Alice, you really are a very strong person. Even if you don't feel like it.
And it's okay to be confused about what you want. It is. It's okay not to want to look after yourself. Either physically or mentally. But, I want you to hand over a bit of that responsibility to take pressure off yourself. There is one person hun who desperately wants to be there for you. That's your Mummy sweetie. Turn to her. It's what she's there for. She would be more than happy to help you keep yourself safe. She would be more than happy to support you,keep you up, keep you going. She is one of the few people who will give that unconditionally. She is one of the few people who will, in actuality be there for you for as long as humanly possible. Alice, your Mummy is who you need right now, so let her be there for you, okay? It will be one of the hardest things to do at first. And it will feel like you are being so so weak. But sweetie, in the end it will be okay, and will be easier, and it will be for the best. And you will be proud of yourself that you managed it. Because, Alice, I know that you can manage it.
Try to cut yourself a bit of slack right now. It feels like no one cares because that is a symptom of how you feel. How you see things isn't necessarily how things really are. I know one of your friends has changed a lot, and I know that's hurting you. But one person is not everyone. There are plenty of people who would be there for you if you let them. How about opening up and giving people a chance again? You never know sweetie, it could be for the best. And yes, it could not work and that person might not give you what you need right now. But that would be okay. And all that you'd have to do is try again.
It's the trying again that's the hardest my love, but I know you have it within you.
Believe in yourself sweetheart, and everyone else will as well. Give yourself a chance. Give other people a chance.
You'll get there. And things will get better.
Don't waste your energy on hating yourself. There is precious little of it as it is.
Love yourself.
Look after yourself.
You deserve it!