if you have OD'd i need to talk to you *su*

[Elf]

if you have OD'd, i need to talk to you.

i need to talk to someone who has spent a terrifying night throwing up. who has had to have their stomach pumped or has had to eat charcoal. or someone who has had to see their mother's face the next day in the hospital.

someone, please, tell me how bad it is.

mods, this post is positive. me trying to talk myself out of this.

replies to this by PM would be great. if you'd prefer to talk by IM on MSN, PM for my e-mail.

and i will in no way make you feel responsible for my decision. i just want to hear your experience.

thanks.

elf

[plantt]

i'm willing to talk to you. you choose. PM msn or email.
it's *not* a fun experience. don't do it

[Alex]

I could... but I'm a bit reluctant, as one of the things that pushed me towards overdosing was hearing how horrible it was to be pumped Suffice to say that it's not exactly a "good" feeling while it goes on.

Take care of you.

-alex

[frances]

It's not fun
The gradual reawakening, when you can hear what's going on, you can feel all your muscles screaming
The horrible clenching feeling of having your stomach pumped, it feels like they're turning all your internal organs in and around themselves.
The horror of trying not to see your paretns, of telling the doctors not to let them in, only to see their faces peering anxiously through the crack when the doctor opens the door.
The silence and the waiting for one of you to crack and talk about it. how strained they are. How streaked with tears your mother's face is
the inevitable disdain from one nurse, however nice the rest are

It's not fun
it will never be fun
your throat will hurt for a few days afterwards

Why do you want to do it? If you're asking what waking up is like, then i'm assuming, hoping, you don't want to die. There are better ways to get the health care you need.
And the very fact you are asking this i hope means a small part of you isn't sure, take that part, nurture it.

[silent_scream]

I have. It's not nice. The hospital is not sympathetic, and dealing with the aftermath is painful and scary. I hope you can make yourself safe.

[Smeagol]

Elf, I hope you manage to talk yourself out of it. We'd hate to lose you. Take care. But thank you for starting this thread, 'cos I could kinda use it as well. I tend to think of ODing as the simplest, least painful option, and need reminding that it's not.

[Licentia Poetica]

yes, i didnt even take many, and it was still horrible.

i spent hours throwing up, days after that sick, and weeks after thinking i was going to go yellow and die.

the anxiety was so bad I had to keep lying on the floor to make the blood rush to my head.

if you've ever been poisoned by anything - thats what it feels like.

and the whole time i thought it was my fault.

at the time i had no friends around. so i was alone. i worried many people on BUS, who in turn made me freak out even more telling me to get help.

i couldnt decide whether or not to take the risk of my mum being extremely worried if i did happen to collapse, or something worse, and torn between hoping it would all just go away.

basically. its not fun, and my story wasnt anything close to the extreme.

od'ing wont kill you very easily or quickly, it hurts *a lot*, worries absolutely everyone around you, scares the shit out of you, and if you happen to lose the function of your kidneys or liver, your life could get a *lot* harder than it is now.

on a lighter note, please dont, i know we havent spoken much, but i notice you around here and would miss seeing your name.

[mama]

Elf,
I'm a survivor off both ends of the suicide spectrum~I survived a major suicide attempt and I also watched my mother commit suicide.

I'm going to trigger this now, because of some pretty graphic descriptions.
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Took a massive overdose of pills, all washed down with alcohol. My dear roommate sat there and watched me take the pills and slowly, but surely start slipping into oblivian. Lucky for me, I was talking to a friend on the phone while all this was happening (I knew that they could not get there in time because they were on an island in the Gulf). But, they had the sense to realize that this was serious and pretended to have phone problems, got off the phone called someone and then called me back to try and keep me talkling. They did get me to the hospital, but just barely in time. While trying to pump my stomach, I went into convulsions and then started having heart failure. After five attempts at trying to get my heart restarted (it would start and then stop), they literally gave up. For some reason, it started again on it's on. Remember waking up in intensive care, still strapped down with leather restraints. Throat and stomach sore from the gastro tubes and huge bruises left from where I convulsed while strapped down. Still remember the hurt looks on some of my friends faces that I didn't talk to them and the worry that I would try it again.

My mama shot herself in front of me and my daddy. To this day, and it's been 28 years now, that scene is forever etched in my memory and it will not go away. I can still see her laying there in a pool of blood. I can still remember sitting in the back of the cop car while he talked to complete strangers about what happened. I still remember sitting in the hospital waiting room and the doctors coming out and telling us that she was brain dead and there was no chance of survival. My od, was several years after her su. For years, I couldn't even remember the *date* of my mother's death and, although we didn't realize, I would have almost debilitating bouts of depression around that time. It took me almost 24 years to identify the *source* of my depression and it's still very difficult for me to keep that date in my head. I have to constantly remind myself around that time so that it won't *sneak* up on me and cause major problems.

I will say it, here and now. Suicide is NEVER the answer. The aftermath of destruction affects not only you, but anybody that cares or loves you. The survivor's guilt (whether justified or not) is unbelievable and it can almost drive you insane.

Mama

[Samsara]

if you have OD'd, i need to talk to you.

i need to talk to someone who has spent a terrifying night throwing up. who has had to have their stomach pumped or has had to eat charcoal. or someone who has had to see their mother's face the next day in the hospital.

someone, please, tell me how bad it is

elf

To all of the above - it's VERY, VERY BAD!

I tend to think of ODing as the simplest, least painful option, and need reminding that it's not.

Simplest, least painful option huh? Soooo not true as you can see by all of these stories.
Here's another to consider: imagine waking up in hospital, dazed and confused, you come to a sudden realisation that you're actually relieved you didn't suceed in ending your life. You have another chance right? That is, until the docs tell you that you've caused so much damage to your internal organs that rather than just slipping away in your sleep like most people think, you're actually going to die a slow, horrible, agonising death and there's nothing anyone can do for you......still seem like a good option???

Feeling like you want to die and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you're going to are very different things indeed.

[Ime]

been there, done that. it wasnt pretty. and HAVING been there and done that, i certainly wouldn't do it again.

Ime

[eyeris]

I just wanted to post to say thanks for asking this question. I haven't attempted su nor have I od'ed, but I have kept 'ODing' in my back pocket for the time when I might use it. But now I don't know if that's the best way, there doesn't really seem to be any "best" way. . . but thank you to all of you who shared your stories about it. . . it must have been absolutely awful.
-e

[P!nk]

I am glad you asked as well, just to remind myself of how horrible it is when I have and yet how easily I forget when I get in that frame of mind again. Please take care of yourself and thanks for being supportive to me. ~p!nk

[Stellaria]

What everyone else said...

Even if you are lucky enough (and I use the word lucky intentionally, since you never know for sure how your body will react) to not die or seriously harm yourself, you still may have to deal with stuff like to be told afterwards about weird things you said and did while doped up, and you have no memory of it and feel really embarrassed. Has happened to me, even when I didn't really take that much. When a friend of mine OD'ed, she got paralyzed and could not move or speak and the hospital staff thought she was unconscious, but she could actually still feel them ram a tube down her throat and hear them talking. You may have hospital staff look at you like a stupid attention-seeking kid (regardless of your age). Drinking charcoal is like drinking an evil-tasting mix of sand and water. You may not be allowed to use the regular toilet if you are considered too affected by the drug, but have to use a bed pan in front of the staff. You have little control over how long you are kept in the hospital.

If the people around don't really care much about you, they will not likely treat you any better afterwards. If you do have people around who care, they may be going on and on about it, ask why you did it and be very sad and upset.

It's not easy and painless. Please don't do it.

I hope things get better for you soon...

Take care
Nina

[Seeshellz]

I have ODed too many times, I guess I never learned, but the pain was so bad.

The charcoal is so disgusting, repulsive sandlike milkshake that is sweetened supposedly to make it taste better. It doesn't the last few times I had to have it put down my nose because I threw it up too much.
Yes, if you throw it up, you have to take the same amount again and again until it stays in your stomach to absorb the deadly combo of pills you took.

You also have the ugly stares and comments from the emerg. nurses who don't understand you're feelings. They are tired of dealing with psych. patients. It shouldn't be that way but it is.

I also almost died also, I took too many pills and this time after all the help the doctors and nurses could give me being hooked up and everything, the doctor told my Mom, there's nothing more we can do for her. I remember almost dying, my Mom had to keep slapping me to tell me to breath because the machine that tells you if you have enough oxygen to your brain, kept buzzing, so my Mom would keep hitting my leg and yelling to me to breath. It was so hard to breath! I remember!
I feel so bad I put my Mom through this, she was by herself and she couldn't call my Dad because, she had to keep hitting me to breathe. I did not know this at the time, and I guess she helped because I woke up in intensive care alive!

I'll tell you this is the last time I ODed or for that matter tried to take my own life.

My Mom saved my life that night and I thank her greatly for that.

I tell you NEVER again!!
I find different ways to cope now if I get SUicidal.

Thank you for letting me tell you this story. I truly hope it helps you. I know the hell you are feeling when you are SU, but there are other ways to cope that trying to end it.

Please feel free to PM anytime.

Love, Shelley

[gingerfish]

from my own point of view i would say *horrible* doesn't even come close. having your stomach pumped hurts and waking up to face what you did and being forced to reason why and take responsibility for it hurts even more. it's a belittling experience i dont want to repeat.


before that i watched my sister od, too many times. mostly (apart from once i think) she was too late for stomach pumping and needed drugs and i'v's instead to reverse whatever she'd taken. that comes with waiting to see what damage has been done .... had one time where they terrified me and her, by talking liver transplants .... there is no way to assure you will just be talking 'stomach pumping' ... so yeah, most terrifying wait for liver function tests. and parents crying, friends crying



and her last od ended up a sucessful SU. there's no coming back from that.
there's no waking up relieved you got a second chance.
no chance to see peoples disappointed faces ... that although disappointed and scared - are still there.
and i can only imagine that it was a horrible way to die, because i found her and it sure looked horrible.


i really hope you manage to talk yourself out of it.
jen x

[Elf]

many thanks to everyone who has shared their story. i'm sure it was very painful just to talk about and i'm extremely grateful. as well, thanks to everyone who has PMd me to share or to ask how i'm doing. i wish i could reply to every one of you individually, but i am still doing very badly and am not up to that. i'm debating with myself about calling someone, or going somewhere... what to do, if anything. i am still feeling extremely SU, but i promise i won't forget your stories.

thank you all.

elf

[EtherealDarkness]

this is a little late but figured i'd add my two cents. When i tried to od, no one found me. I woke up the next afternoon and immediately threw up. I spent the next three days in bed cause i couldnt stand up without throwing up. I had convulsions everytime i tried to sit up or even lift a glass. I was at the dorms with a room to myself and no one checked on me. I couldnt eat for a week and over a year later my stomach still gets sick from eating. Basically i eat till I feel like throwing up almost everytime I eat, and i dont eat that much. Anytime I start thinking of od'ing I remember the feeling of the day after and i dont want to do it anymore.

oh and an interesting statistic I heard. In San Fransisco jumping from the golden gate bridge was the number one mode of su in the city and a couple of years ago they surveyed all of the survivors of the fall. Of the twenty that did, eighteen said they regretted the decision within the first second of the jump. The lesson? The feeling is temporary, the action is forever.

[Tamrick]

My last OD was just short of a year ago, but the worst one resulted in having my stomach pumped and having to drink activated charcoal - it is revolting stuff. I did throw up twice that night and due to another OD spent a few nights in ICU with drips in my arm that burned like hell.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think though that far worse was that at the time of the OD I felt very numb - I wanted to feel more alive or end it all and all that happened was taht I felt boith sick and numb. And to avoid getting more hurt I had to shut off to the people who did care.

You are worth so much more than an experience like that. If I could go back, instead of going through that, I'd take a long hot bath and then do something to really spoiul myself. When we are hurting why do we want to hurt more. Let yourself cry by being nice to yourself.

*warm hugs*

Tamrick

[theodore]

......and if you dont have your stomach pumped or drink charcoal, you have to suffer, your stomach feels like it is going to explode, your throat and mouth feels like it is going to explode in a ball of fire.
you feel like this for weeks...thats only if you dont take too many, if you do, then your looking at charcoal, and that is not the McShake flavour you want to try!!

lets not mention, in the morning, going over it all, was it because your b/f dumped you? was it cos of work? what was the point? blah blah blah..
then its back to the ward, where they obviously need beds!! and the looks of death don't bare to think about

it's not worth it at all, and yet i keep doing it

[tenar]

this is a good thread, i'm book marking it

thanks for sharing your stories everyone

i hope your ok elf, and everyone else.

for me i think the most dissuading thing about od'ing is what everyone said about having to live with the consequences with family and friends afterwards.

and gingerfish/jen and mama - i'm really sorry about your family. sorry you had to go through that. the aftermath of suicide is so terrible, that is what dissuades me from su proper.

thanks

love,
tenar
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