my mum and "coping strategies" (rant, *la*)

[Laura]

I'm at my mothers' this weekend. Yesterday we briefly talked about "stuff" and I told her that I don't see the psychologist anymore and was explaining why I found it unhelpful: the woman would pick out stressful things (eg giving a seminar) that were happening around the time of my last serious SI and that I have done successfully before and since, and demand to know what "coping strategy" I was using that I hadn't used back then. And refuse to believe that there wasn't one, I was just in a totally different state altogether. And my mum - hooray! - agreed that this didn't sound very good or helpful.

But then today, for some reason she was asking about BUSboard and I was explaining about the "scarily vast list" of coping strategies that I maintain. She asked what was on it, and I said many of the things were just silly ways to distract yourself etc.... but then she said "Ah, but IS that silly?" in a kind of meaningful way, like she seriously believes both (A) that I meant "silly" as in "futile" not "silly" as in "amusing" and (B) that if only I tried all these distractions I'd never need to SI.

Like, I'm a Coping mod and she thinks I haven't tried them? I do use many of them, some come naturally, others I've deliberately chosen to adopt but THEY ARE NOT THE FULL ANSWER!!!!! It really pisses me off when people like my mum who blatantly haven't a clue come across these Coping Strategies and assume that SI is as easily fixed as playing some "fifteen-minute rule" game or holding an ice cube. Yes these things can help sometimes. But then parents and health professionals read these lists and then think that SI is as trivial as that, and that basically none of us are really trying to stop.

When she speaks to me about actual SI not just depression or whatever, she goes quiet and speaks in a very prim and proper way. It's clear from her manner that she finds the practice utterly detestable and doesn't want to begin to understand it, just wants to pretend it can be swept away with little distraction strategies. She is disgusted by me, I can tell

GRRRRRRR! Stupid, stupid woman!!!! Why can't she listen to what I say instead of jumping to her own, wrong, conclusions? Why can't she accept that I know a hell of a lot more about SI than she does, I really don't need her to teach me that a "silly" strategy isn't silly. COPING STRATEGIES HAVE THEIR LIMITATIONS. WHY WON'T YOU F**KING BELIEVE ME YOU

I am 27 and she is just so bloody patronising.

[splitimage]

Aw Laura, I'm sorry that your Mom's being patronising. It's hard trying to explain the intesity of SI to someone who doesn't get it.

I know, I saw one pdoc, who suggested hot baths erm yes - when I'm in the midst of flashback hell, and only want to cut, I'm REALLY going to think, hmmm let me go draw a nice bath and maybe throw some lavendar oil in????? right.

It's funny though, how seemingly "trivial" activities can ground (that's how I think of it) you and maybe help break the cycle.

My current pdoc, who I really like, has a lot of patients who SI. One of the things she said to me, is that the reason it's hard to stop, is because quite simply it works - in the short term. At first I found that reaction, almost as weird... here was this BIG SECRET in my life, and this Dr. was talking like it was something totally NORMAL and ORDINARY. But, having her treat it like any other coping strategy, albeit not a great one, helped me to start really finding alternatives.

I don't have any advice on dealing with your Mom. I think it's good that you can talk to her at all.

Send's you good luck thoughts on surviving the rest of the weekend.

--splitimage

[shadow]

That sucks!!!

I guess its kind of like trying to explain ........ err I dont know colours to someone whos always been blind

to most people its just inconcievable how or why SI works and functions in peoples lifes

All of us want to be excepted and understood by people, I guess especially our parents. Which makes it doubly as hard when they dont get it either!! Lots of credit and respect thoiugh for trying to explain, maybe wuith your help one day she might be able to understand more of this side of it. (though it doesnt stop the fraustration now)

As Splitimage says. the trouble with SI is it just Does work. And is a hell of a lot more effective than other things (sometimes)

Be proud of yourself that you try more than most to do these other things and distractions first

take care

K.

[limestone]

people who are close to me when they are directly talking about "cutting" they say the word with the stress and tone which does imply heavily that si is something that we and other people don't do and we can't quite conceive that you would etc. it bugs me. just wanted to let you know you're not alone in how your mum spoke to you. I was told that stopping was as easy as "putting your hands under your arms and just sitting there" when you want to cut yourself I still can't quite believe they said that now.

I agree with splitimage that little coping things can help to break the cycle.

I think people do get frustrated that si isn't as 'fixable' as physical illnesses are.

[Frippy]

boooo...sorry things were so sukky laura.
didnt you realise that you can be thinking oh I want to cut myself...oh I'll switch on the tv..oh and the urge has gone isnt that nice.....(detect my sarcasm)

yeh so coping strategies can work sometimes....provided you can stop thinking urgy thoughts long enough to think of a coping strategy that might help.

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I know, I saw one pdoc, who suggested hot baths erm yes - when I'm in the midst of flashback hell, and only want to cut, I'm REALLY going to think, hmmm let me go draw a nice bath and maybe throw some lavendar oil in????? right

I have to admit baths do help me.....provided there are know sharpthings around the bathtub as I feel that being in the bath gives me a choice and if I really wanted to i could drown and feeling that I have that chocie and don't choose it generally makes me calmer...but that is just me and I am a bit odd.
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anywya Im gabbling away at the moment too much caffeine and avoidance of work.

Take care and I lets just hope that slowly more people might understand how difficult it is.
hugs xx