how do you ask for help

[thatwackychick]

This is something I've been trying to figure out for a while.

There are days when the urge to hurt myself is so strong, and it's hard to resist. When I'm in these moods, I don't feel like going out and being social. I have one friend I can talk to and feel comfortable with. Just one. Sitting and talking to him for a while helps. It doesn't always make me feel better, but it's good to get things off my chest. And if I'm not going to hurt myself when I'm with him.

But I don't know how to say "I feel like hurting myself. Can you hang out with me?" If he's busy and he can't hang out with me, then he'll feel like it's his fault that I hurt myself that day. He let me down. I know he can't spend every day with me. I ask him if he wants to hang out, but I can't explain to him how important it is that we hang out very soon.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this?

[Laura]

It's difficult. But you are doing the right thing in trying to resist the urges.

On one hand, if you just say you want to hang out but don't say why, then he might not just cos of not feeling like it, where he would if he knew how badly you were needing support. But on the other hand, knowing that you were wanting to SI could put him in an awkward spot if he really wasn't able to support you at that time - as you say, it could lead to guilt or feeling manipulative or whatever.

One thing that helps is if you have a number of people who can support you, so that you can say to a friend "I feel I need some help to avoid SI right now, but if you can't manage it's ok cos I can call X or Y or Z, or go on Bus, or...." That way, he knows how you are feeling and that you need support, but it's not entirely on his shoulders, you are keeping the responsibility yourself rather than handing it on to him.

You say there is only one friend you can talk to - that's hard. Are you sure you couldn't open up to anyone else? Or include Bus, crisis lines etc in your "list of supporters". Look at the sticky topics here for other things you can do to resist SI urges. It will help your friend if you can tell him some other strategies you are using, and also to be direct and realistic about how much you need from him. Sometimes you might be able to ask for only 20minutes of his time, to calm you, and then you can manage to get through using your own strategies, other times you might need longer. It's not easy to know.

Not sure if I'm making sense It's a good question. See what others think.
Love Laura

[thatwackychick]

Yeah, I had the same thought about having more people I could go to. I could let him know I needed help, but he didn't have to be the one to provide it. But I have such a hard time making friends. I'm really kinda scared of people. (Not as much as I used to be, but...) I don't know how to get close to someone without scaring them away and embarrassing myself. I don't really know how I got lucky enough to have the one close friend.

I just found bus and it seems good. Maybe I can say "I need some help, but I'll go check out bus for now if you are busy." I'm just afraid it won't work, and he'll ask me about it the next day. I wouldn't want to tell him that I hurt myself because he wasn't there. But I really wouldn't want to lie.

Maybe that's motivation? I tell him I need help, but I'll figure out how to be okay if he can't. Then remind myself of how hurt he'll be if I cut. Maybe that'll keep me from doing it.

[Laura]

Yeah maybe. It is hard. I remember once I sent a friend an email saying I wasn't doing too good, and maybe it sounded more urgent than I meant it to, but he didn't get it until much later and then rang me worried. And I had SIed, and I didn't want to upset him but I also didn't want to lie.

What helped me there was to have a frank discussion another time, like not when I'm feeling rough. Basically I explained to him that my SI is my own responsibility, and while I'm not saying I choose it, it is still me and not anybody else who makes me do it and noone else is to feel obliged to prevent it. It is hard - that person was a work colleague, and sometimes I knew he could tell how I was feeling and I didn't want to worry him.... but friends will worry at least a bit, I guess they wouldn't be friends otherwise Most of the time I chose not to tell him about individual incidents of SI (unless something really bad happened), although I wouldn't lie if asked. But we would talk about "how bad the SI has been lately".

And sometimes I could proudly tell him I'd gone a week, or a month. There aren't many people who can understand and congratulate you on a "success" like that, but it did make my friend happy for me

Not SIing so as not to upset other people isn't necessarily the best reason, but it's certainly one big motivating factor. Would be nice if you wanted to resist for your own sake, too though.... I think there's a post on here somewhere where people listed all their reasons not to SI, and the effect on friends certainly figured in that.

Take care
Love Laura

[Russianpoetess]

its hard. it really is. and i understand that you dont want to put a friend in a difficult position. i feel the same way. bus is always an option, if you can get online. everyone is always willing to sit and talk with you if you ask for it. maybe, walking around the block, with music? happy music maybe? cuddling with cat/dog etc... askinh for help is hard. for me listening to a voice message on my phone from a certain person makes the whole world better. just hearing his voice. Think any of this will work for you? maybe going to a public place? *hugs*
Love and support,
RAchel

[Sparrow]

Hi,,,just wanted to say I understand what you mean. I tell no one in real life that I cut,,,besides my T,,,so sometimes I literally 'ache' with the need to have someone to talk with when I know I'm going to cut. It is really pathetic to have to look for some friend online to talk with when you are in a bad way,,,,and then even more pathetic when you can't find anyone and that is what makes you decide to do it anyway.