Things Left Unsaid v.7

[noldo]

I pretty much hate you, you just left me when I was at my worst and I'm sorry but I expect more of a friendship of almost ten years. You abandoned me and said it's my fault. It still really really hurts. And I'm so very sad though hate or anger would probably more appropriate. Still I'm devastated and grieving for our friendship. AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!

[desperateforgrace]

*rels triggers*
When I said that my relationship with him was "complicated" , I meant it. I can't tell you this in person because I know you would never understand. You see, I didn't always love him like I do now. In fact, for a long time I hated him! I wanted him out of my life and mind. But that never happened. You see, even though I love him, I'm not really interested in pursuing a " relationship " with him or anyone else for many reasons I won't get into here. But I do want him to know someone cares about him and that he sees his true value in this world. I want him to taste and see that Jesus' love is good. Because no one ever gave a care about him before... or maybe they did but don't anymore. And it's kind of offensive to say that I just have a " crush" on him , because it implies that I'm just doing nice things because I want a romantic relationship with him, but the fact is that I don't really want anything FROM him. The only thing I care about is that he has joy and will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves him.

[treasure]

honey, don't joke about blood, it reminds me about si. you know i still struggle with that and while i can handle minor things you really made a big deal about it which wasn't necessary.

[Spidey]

Oh, that's funny - you want to come over.

But when I needed you to come over, you prioritized being a fucking weeb over your best friend.

Go hug your big tittied anime waifu and fuck off.

I don't want to see you, yet.

[Chey]

How much more time and space do you need? I will wait a little bit longer, but we are drifting further apart and I feel like you want me to tell you that our friendship has ended, but at the same time, I feel like you don't want me to do that either. How many times can I say sorry for what I said. I will say it again, I cannot apologize for how the other person acted. They were spiteful and yes I think they made the little thing into a monstrous thing. I still want to be your friend. I just don't want to wait for forever. How can I rebuild trust if you keep telling me you want space, so I have no opportunity to rebuild the trust?

[noldo]

I'm still hurt. Why am I always the person who cares more. It only leads to me hurting more.

[PokemonGeek]

Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever know why you stopped being my friend right after my mom died. You abandoning me hurt even more than losing my mom. I haven’t been the same since and in some ways I’ve actually regressed in the progress I had made with you in living a normal life. I’ve been afraid to make new friends since then and i can’t find motivation to keep things neat.

[PokemonGeek]

Dear M,

I hope someday you get the help you really need. You became someone that I didn’t know and was beginning to become terrified of. I miss the old you. I miss the person you once were before you began drinking and taking pain pills. I know all about the pills but I kept quiet because I knew you’d accuse me of snooping when I discovered that you were taking them by pure accident. I am not to blame for your problems. I really do hope you find inner peace and if you ever stick with AA and come to me to make amends, I’ll gladly accept you into my life again with a few ground rules that you can’t be going through my entire apartment and you won’t blame me for everything that goes wrong in your life. You did say some really hurtful things to me but I know it was the alcohol talking. I miss the woman who took care of me when I was little. What I don’t miss is the angry alcoholic that abused me and used me as a scapegoat.

[desperateforgrace]

I miss you so much. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to you. I'm sorry he didn't appreciate all you had done. I hope you'll be OK and that you will have success and joy in whatever you do next. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you how much you meant to me, until it was too late. I hope it's not really too late though. I don't know if I have it in me to love another person, other than my family, as much as I have loved you. No one will be able to really replace you. I wish you knew how much you meant to me.

[Butterfly.]

I miss you so much, I miss having you as a part of my life more than anything. But I miss “us” as well. I wish I could turn time backwards and not make that mistake.

[treasure]

I don't know what's going on in my head but i want to si. If i told you i think you'd ask why and i don't have answers. I wish you understood so that i could express my fears without worrying you. I wish it wasn't so taboo to say how i want to hurt myself. I need routine and stability again, i think that's one cause of screwiness, but there are a few causes and no solutions right now.

[noldo]

I'm still hurt.

And I want to destroy myself right now (I won't though, I'm safe) because I'm a needy, lazy dumb little piece of shit and shouldn't be alive. So many good ways of self-harm and suicidal stuff are running circles in my head. During most days I'm doing good but I sometimes fall apart during the evening and/or nighttime. And I feel like I can't tell anyone because I'm doing well during day-time and people won't take me seriously or freak out way too much if I tell them about my breakdowns.

[Spidey]

I do not care that she is effectively being a rightfighter and a straight up bitch. What I do care about, however, is the way you treat me/us, and right now, you're doing a pretty horseshit job of it.

[desperateforgrace]

To the person who fired B:
My trust for whoever you are is now zippity do dah! Do you realize how much you have hurt not only B, but also all of us? Do you even realize how B dedicated HIS WHOLE LIFE to serve you and all of us..and that is your fucking thank you to him? You didn't even let me, or anyone, say goodbye to him. I am tempted to never ever forgive you. When I find out who the fuck you are, I will slam the INFJ door completely on you--except when I have to speak to you! Yes, there was a time when I hated him, but that was before I looked into his soul and began to realize what an amazing person he was. However, to just callously let him go after he has suffered so much is just so heartless and cruel. And now I am left in shambles....I hope you fucking reap what you sow, you heartless coward!
-Grace

[Spidey]

Dankeschön.

Even if you didn't understand The Log Song.

Dankeschön.

Thanks for making me feel slightly...human. And like it was okay to be...me.

[Spidey]

I am just so done with you not checking shit or wanting to take full responsibility for shit and then freaking out - usually at me - when things do not go right. You are grown folk. You need to act like one. And when multiple people tell you that you must go through things with a fine tooth comb and verify because this could really fuck you over and you don't, this.

I'm so sick of it. You are X going on 8, I swear.

[desperateforgrace]

*mention of deity*

Ever since you left, things have been 100 x tougher for me. But, at the same time, I don't want you to come back to an environment where people don't appreciate or care about you. They didn't deserve you! I didn't deserve you. You deserved much better! Watching and hearing about people putting you down and break your precious spirit broke my heart in pieces. Last time I talked to you, you seemed very happy, and that gives me much hope. I hope wherever you are, you will find much joy and that you will find the love of God I found. Also, I wish you would see the beauty, inside and out, that I so readily see in you! People who think you're ugly are fuckin' blind. Miss you.

[PokemonGeek]

*SU trigger*

Dear A,

I still hate you for what you always said to me during high school which led to our senior year a literal living hell for me to the point I became *su* and also started to *si*. You kept telling me that “no one cared” about what I had to say whenever I tried to say something and acted like you were so surprised when I snapped at you and was extremely irritated when you did decide to talk to me. Fuck you bitch! Just fuck you. Go fuck yourself in the ass with a rusty broken pipe for all I care. You don’t deserve to be happy and your son is going to become a fucking asshole just like the fucking bitch of a mother he has because you always acted self righteous and better than everyone around you! If you ask me, you’re no better than fucking literal garbage! You ruined my entire high school years and you have no idea the fucking damage you’ve caused me. Did you know that I actually had planned to commit *su* in class one day but couldn’t go through with it because I truly believed that literally no one cared about me? I really want you to live with soul eating guilt that fucking makes you miserable and won’t go away whenever you think of me of how you almost caused someone to take their own life because of your own fucking words. Fuck you bitch and fuck your kid and happiness! You don’t deserve any of it. You deserve to be fucking miserable and I don’t see how it’s fair that I have to suffer for all the horrible things you said to me on a daily basis and you get to be happy.

[Spidey]

I wonder what the fuck would happen if I had to work for the rest of the week/end

I guarantee you wouldn't stand around and play the victim then, and you'd actually do something and not give into your BS learned helplessness.

Wait...you'd blame me for something not working or happening, and try to force me to take a day off because you don't want to deal with it on your own. Which you need to learn to do. If I were dead, what the fuck would you do?! How would you cope?

After this wedding I am putting real distance between us. I can't take it anymore.

I am tired of being various stages of tired, stressed and in pain because you refuse to take responsibility or do anything for yourself.

And I GUARANTEE that when this inevitably fucks up, you'll blame me, and I want to be as far away from this as possible.

I am tired of this place being more important than anything. But it is an eternal testament to your perpetual victimhood, and it's been 17 years and you refuse to move on.

Get help. I'm not willing to do this anymore.

[mande]

I don't know if I have the strength to get better this time.