Before - not the questions though, I hope that's ok

[sojourner_steph]

I don't know if I feel like answering questions - I might write a bit and then try to answer some. Wanting SI has been really strong for the past 2 weeks. Study is really hard at the moment - I've gotten behind and I'm not catching up because I constantly feel like I want SI and stuff hurts and thoughts are hard. And - I'm trying to answer the same questions I've been trying to for the past 3 years - how do I study when I want SI so much? I sit down and I stare at my books and I feel crap and I wish I could die and I want SI so much and it won't go away.

So - I distract myself - with the Internet or reading books. And that keeps me from SI, but it's not getting study done and it's just going to make stuff worse in the long run.

So - I've been struggling with this for years - I must have some idea of what helps.
- I know all the - break down the tasks so that they're not overwhelming - it doesn't really help, or it helps slightly sometimes - but my problem is with getting anything done at all - I can't concentrate. I'm trying to study and I just start crying. And I want SI so much.

- I do know that sometimes if I keep trying I can get some study done - like sitting there for an hour staring at my books and crying and then I start to work and I can achieve something - sometimes. So, maybe I need to not give up so quickly. Because I'm not even trying at the moment. I just think I can't, so I'm not trying.

- people - studying with people helps - but I don't have anyone I can ask. At least not at the moment, maybe when stuff is better I could ask someone, (that would still be hard, because the person I was closest to at college is gone now) - but right now I'm really likely to cry in front of them. There's no-one who I would ask that much from - to ask to study together and then cry in front of them.

- little things, there must be something little that helps a little bit - trying to only do little bits helps sometimes - like if I can only concentrate for 5 minutes at a time, that's better than getting nothing done.

I don't know. I'm scared - I'm at risk of being asked to leave college permanently. I want to study. And maybe I can do this - things aren't always this bad - it's just so hard to catch up - that's why I try to be ahead - if I was ahead, then losing two weeks like this wouldn't be so bad. . .

Yeah - I don't feel like answering questions - I'm really struggling with wanting to SI right now and it's really hard. I'm good at not giving into it - I want that enough that even while it's so hard, and I'm feeling so much and I just want it to stop, I'm not giving into SI. But I'm not getting any study done either and that's just making my feelings even worse.

I'm not doing nothing about mental health stuff - I'm seeing my doctor and I've agreed to try a psychologist again (which I don't like the idea of) and I'm trying medication again. I'm not doing nothing. I'm trying. I don't want people to think that I'm still struggling because I'm not trying.

[treasure]

it's completely fine to not answer the questions here, whatever you want to write is ok.

i'm glad you are able to withstand the si thoughts and not give in, but it must be tiring and difficult to do that.

when i'm a bit spacey and trying to study it helps to write things down as i'm going. you might be able to prioritise - maybe there are parts you can skim read, or parts where the readings are optional so you can skip them or leave them to last?

with crying and lots of si thoughts, it sounds like things are really hard for you right now. i wonder if there are self-care activities you can do, things that aren't just distraction or ignoring your feelings. can you spend 5 mins sitting comfortably and holding a pillow or toy and allow yourself to feel or cry? can you journal, or create something that expresses your feelings?

something i've discussed with a support worker a bit recently is 'intention'. if i tell myself (not usually consciously) that my intention is to study but i can't, then it feels like i've let myself down or wasted time. if i tell myself that my intention for the next 30 mins is to look at my work, take my time, see what happens, then it's less pressure. also having an intention to relax, or an intention to switch off with something distracting, turns them into purposeful activities not just time away from study, which really helps me gain focus when i stop the activity and try to study again.

[sojourner_steph]

Thank you Treasure. I appreciated your response and I've been trying to try some of the things you suggested and it has helped a bit. I did like what you said about intention and about my intention being to look at work and try as opposed to get study done - and I think that helps. . .
Honestly though - I think I just need to work really hard when I can and get ahead, so that when stuff's bad I can afford to have a couple of weeks where I can't study.
I had a few good days where I got something done.
But now I feel like I'm back where I was again. Stuff is really hard. I really want SI and I can't study. And I'm still really behind. Stuff really hurts again and I'm not really thinking much about anything.
I don't know - I don't know what to do - I'm just so sick of this - I want to study I want to get stuff done I don't want to be behind I'm not just being lazy and not wanting to do work - it just sucks to be here again.

I don't know. I don't know why I'm posting here. I know what I'm going to do - I'm going to keep on trying to do little bits of study - but I also know that I'm not going to get much done. I'm considering not going to class this week - because really feeling crap and crying in class is just going to make stuff worse, I'd be better off at home trying to work on study at my own pace when I can . . . So, I'll see what I can do. And then when stuff is better and I can study, I'll work really hard to catch up and hopefully get ahead. . . I'm just over this . . . It feels like it never changes.

[treasure]

i'm sorry things are getting more difficult. i would encourage you to talk to teachers or staff about it, get some extensions on your next few assignments and work out how to catch up without overloading yourself.

i'm in a similar place in some ways, feeling like i just can't study effectively and getting further behind. think logically though, have you caught up in situations in the past? how have you managed this situation previously, how did it turn out? if it went terribly previously, how can you avoid that outcome? talking to people and having support makes a world of difference for me, it's like my emotions burden me and talking lightens the load so that i can concentrate better and think clearer.

[sojourner_steph]

Thank you for your reply treasure. I appreciate it and it helped. I'm so sorry that you're struggling with feeling like you can't study and getting behind too. I hope that things get better for you. Thank you for your questions and sharing what's helped you - you helped me to think through stuff a bit more.

My ramblings (which I should probably delete, but I just felt like writing somewhere) (ignore this section if you want to. . . Well. . . Ignore the whole post if you want to ; ) - it helps me to write sometimes, I don't mind if no-one reads it. I feel like I'm asking too much by writing long posts on BUS.)

Stuff hurts. I just want to give up and say I don't care anymore and give into SI and SI a lot like I've been wanting to for months. It hurts. I want someone to care. I want to be able to just talk to someone about my day and describe it and I don't know - talk about how it hurt and how I lay in bed most of the day and just felt this weight and couldn't do anything and the few times I tried to study decorated the margins of my book with "I want to not exist" in Greek and how I wanted to write "I want to die", but didn't in case someone might see and understand it. . . And yep it's probably stupid and wrong to write that stuff over and over again, but I think it, more than that, it's so deep I want it and it hurts that I want it. It hurts that I want to die. (Just so no-one takes this the wrong way, I'm not SU. I just wish I could die.) And now I'm just crying and writing stupid stuff on here because I want somewhere where I can talk to someone and I even tried to talk to a friend IRL about stuff, but it didn't help.


Stuff about college again and sort of a reply to your reply Treasure

And college stuff is really bugging me. I didn't go to college this week and I need to give a reason for not going. And I can't work out what to say. And my friend isn't helpful - she just says "tell the truth" - but there's 10 different truthful reasons I could give giving varying amounts of information.

So - in answer to some of what you said treasure. . . College stuff has been not very good over the last few years. And my main college knows stuff about mental health and I asked too much - they gave me too many extensions - and they're being strict about it and I'm not allowed any more extensions and if I withdraw from a subject again, they'll expel me. So - I'm scared. I feel like I can only be a student at college if I have it all together and can be normal and not struggle with mental health and not cry and get study done.

So - I need to give a reason for missing class (at 2 colleges - main college and new college - I do a subject at each) and I don't know what to say.
- it's not wrong to not give much information right? Like people use "unwell" to describe mental health sometimes. Is it wrong to say that so that I don't have to tell them that it's mental health?
- my new college though - I missed class there 2 weeks ago (again because of mental health) and said I was "unwell", so if I do that again now, they're going to think that something is up or that I'm lying.
- my main college - well no matter what I say, I'm scared they're going to realise I'm struggling with stuff and that I'll get in trouble or they'll ask me to leave.
- I really don't want either college to know stuff anymore - when I started I shared too much with my main college because I thought that being honest with them was good and they did help me a lot - gave me extensions and stuff . . . But now stuff's changed and I don't know, college stuff confuses me and hurts.
- I wonder what's right and wrong.
- I missed a test at my new college - because of that I'm wondering if I need to say a little bit about what's going on to them, like maybe just saying I'm "unwell" isn't enough for missing a test.

I don't know. It's bugging me.

I think this helped a little. Writing here helped a bit and maybe it will help me to not give in to SI yet.

Thanks for your questions too Tresaure - it made me start to try to think of practical things that might help. I'm going to keep thinking about it.

[treasure]

write as much as you need to, it's not too long or taking too much attention.

some people have chronic illnesses that are physical and may lead to frequently missing classes. it's not a problem to be vague and say you are unwell. do you need a medical certificate for missing classes or missing the test?

i've gotten notice before that another fail meant being expelled. it was very hard because i felt like study was all i had at the time and if i wasn't able to study, i would give up completely. it wasn't all i had, though, there were people around me who cared and helped me get help.

it took me many years of failing at study to realise that i just couldn't do what i was asking of myself. i switched to part time and online study, and managed so much better. over time i also got help for my sleep issues and social anxiety which had been barriers between me and on-campus study. there might be ways to get through this, i hope you can find the answers or the clarity to get back to study.

i hope you will be kind to yourself.

[sojourner_steph]

Thank you Treasure. I appreciate you talking with me and sharing what you've been through too - it helps. Thank you.

Alright . . . I think I'm going to do that then, say that I'm unwell and if they want to know more than that they'll ask I guess. I don't think I need a medical certificate, but I think I could get one if they asked for it. (It just worries me a bit, bexause it's still asking for allowances because of mental health.)

With the possibility of being expelled . . . Wow. Thanks for sharing that you've been there too.I'm sorry that you went through that. It helps that I'm not alone with it . . . I've been thinking - a year ago when they told me that - I felt like if I had to leave college it would destroy me. Because my identity was so wrapped up in being a student . . . Now - yes thinking about it is still really hard. If I have to give up college, I give up my dream for the future. . . But - I don't know - I've come to that there's so much which is more important than my identity as a student. I'm so much more than that. . . I don't know if that makes sense or not - it was just helpful for me to think about how I've changed in a good way I think. If it came to that, it would be so hard, but I would get through it.

I have been trying to work out how much I can do - over the past two years - I've been doing less subjects and trying to figure out how much is too much. It's just harder now that I can't withdraw from a subject if I've made a mistake and taken on too much.

Thank you. It helps to be able to talk about it here.