before & after

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  situation - if someone finds out i could be kicked out of the residential program that feels like my only support at the moment.
  feelings - my feelings will be numbed, i'll feel better, calmer, ok, normal, capable, powerful, strong.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring - a temporary solution, a momentary madness, something comforting and helpful that i'm craving
  take away - the consequences might take away might support. it should take away my feelings for a while. it will take away some of my stability because i'll feel like if i hurt myself a little bit, i may as well think of more self-destructive things.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i can't really see a "long run" but i can imagine a few weeks from now. i would like to get some relief from my feelings through therapy, and i'm going weekly at the moment with someone who specialises in what i want/need from a therapist. i find it hard to hold on to hope that therapy will change anything, but it might, and if i si, i will deflect attention from my feelings onto dealing with the si. i will get further away from my hope of dealing with my feelings because i will feel numb and disconnected.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it doesn't seem like the "best" option, but it feels like i "have" to, that i've put it off long enough, that i can't stand not si-ing any longer. if i si the relief could last minutes, or days, i don't really know. i expect that the feelings are strong enough that they will come back despite the si, that i will be disconnected from them but still feel *bad*. if the relief only lasts a short time i think i would si again. if it lasts long enough, then maybe i will be able to take the calm strength and get through the next few days feeling a lot better.
  i am in a situation where i am forced to do some positive coping activities, so i will continue doing that next week and maybe those things would help. there's not much over the weekend though, i am anxious about being too busy or stressed. if i si once i will si again, i have to.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could make a cup of tea, it will be comforting and will fill a little time.
  i could go back to my room and read, it may trigger me and it may not help, but it could also be a comforting distraction.
  i could try and play more music, try to find something that helps (it has helped a little bit, but i'm not at home so i don't have access to all my music or my playlists).
  i could listen to a podcast, it will distract me for a while.
  i could watch tv or a movie (but i think i'm too restless for most stuff and would choose to watch something potentially triggering if i could).
  some of those things might be able to fill enough time til when i normally take my meds and get ready for bed. i should be able to put off any si thoughts til tomorrow and relax enough to sleep.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si then i will feel calm and numb tomorrow. i will feel happy crazy (impulsive, positive energy, wanting to do something fun, or something risky). i might feel guilty and scared about someone finding out.
  if i don't si then i will probably be pretty emotional tomorrow. i might have supportive people around though, i might actually be ok with the feelings, i might be able to get through them without feeling like i have to die. most likely the anxiety will be worse for a while, but in the afternoon my sister will distract me.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to cry and have someone hug me and help me and make me feel better. i want to feel without being overwhelmed by my feelings, to breathe and cope and keep on going, *without* feeling like there's a hole right through my chest and i'm bleeding to death. i want someone to validate my feelings, to understand them and help me understand them. i want a solution as helpful as si, a way to calm myself and think positively, instead of the feelings being too much to cope with.
  the self-protective instinct is saying i am not safe enough to feel that stuff, that i need to be around someone i trust who can comfort me or help me, like my therapist or a friend. i don't have anyone who can help, i don't think j would be helpful, even though i could call her and might feel better after? i don't know. i don't think i can shut off the feelings (if i don't si), so i have to feel them, and to do that i have to accept them and accept the pain they will cause. don't know if i can do that. maybe i can try, and even if the feelings hurt me a lot, maybe not si-ing will make me stronger, and will mean i can cope better next time. maybe.

[treasure]

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  just did
• what had happened just before?
  i had a t appt where i talked about some low moods and worthless feelings/thoughts. the t seemed to end the conversation abruptly, talking about making a next appt, before i had finished, making me feel ignored, hurt, and alone.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  i was thinking i needed the t to help reduce my si thoughts but it hadn't worked, i felt like i had no other outlet for coping with my feelings.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  today has been full of anxiety and sad thoughts, the appt was the last straw after a couple of days of si urges.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  i could've written down what i wanted to talk to the t about and made sure i talked about si thoughts. i could've rung or texted someone to help me process my feelings (although i felt/feel like no one wanted to hear about it and no one can really help).
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  it's possible that reducing one of my meds 2 weeks ago has been a bad decision, but i really can't tell if that is making a difference.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  i didn't try any. i thought about going into a corner store and buying snack food but it would've been expensive and might not have helped my mood.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  texting someone - i might've got a reply quick enough to help me feel heard, or i might have just felt better expressing myself to someone. playing music - maybe a song would've helped me feel better, or even have helped me feel whatever i was feeling.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  the sticky note beside the computer that says "feel better now:" with a short list, i will add "text someone" so that it reminds me. i will probably remember music if i'm in a similar situation, i just have to remember that sometimes it helps, even if it's not as immediately effective as si.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  i really should text or email my t to tell her that her actions were upsetting. i don't think i can handle dealing with that, i'd rather assume responsibility for my feelings and actions - i could've expressed myself better in the appt - and hope it won't happen again.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  i don't know - i wasn't expecting to be so strongly wanting to si. it was a crazy mood all day, so i guess i will recognise the warning signs next time?
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  i will try to go for a walk. i will try listening to music. i will try sending a text message.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  being (mostly) alone.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  it was there - i could've chosen somewhere more private and sensible than where i was.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  i would've si'd in minor ways like scratching my arm and si'd 'properly' when i had an opportunity.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  increased over the short-term but may have decreased in the simple actions of going home.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  alone, with my tool and at least one bandaid to cover up. more important was probably the feeling i had - like si was necessary and it was no longer a choice.
• If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
  frustrated, angry, desparate, sad, "crazy" (thoughts flittering and fast, violent urges of different ways to si)

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i feel like it will give me comfort. the thought of cutting keeps coming into my mind and i think it will make me feel better, and numb the turmoil that is in the back of my mind.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring peace and calm and focus. it will take away some of the pride (from myself and others) that i get from coping without si.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  long run, i will be dead, it doesn't matter what scars i have.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief will last until i have a t appt and have to open up about the feelings. it will calm and numb things til then, i think, although it might only last a day. after the t appt i plan to have my sis take me home so i don't si straight away, but i don't know how i will cope if i do start talking about my feelings.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i can go try and take a photo - i've been neglecting to do it recently but i'm trying to take a photo every day. it will distract me for a while and then i can go to bed, maybe do a meditation that helps with strong feelings. i should be able to distract myself in bed, on my phone, until i fall asleep.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si then tomorrow i will feel happy and playful and strong - i will be in control of my feelings - but also vulnerable, worried that the calm/numbness will end. if i don't si, i might be ok tomorrow, or i might be urgy again. most likely i will feel lousy.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  *SI* i want to cut myself until i barely have skin. i want to make the pain real. i want to have a solution to this pain, an answer that helps me feel better. i want what si can give me.
  in typing though, i can see the depth of this pain. i can feel a smidgen of it and it makes me want to run and cry and scream and find anything that will numb the pain. the si urge is protecting me from that. or trying to anyway. if i let it out i think it will hurt so bad i would do anything to escape. i think i need to be careful and comforting with myself. i need to make a hot drink and find things to help distract me. si might numb things but if it doesn't help enough then it might also just be the start of self-destructiveness that i need to stop the pain. i probably need to stop acting like i'm fine to ppl around me. i wish it was easy to express, but it's extremely hard instead - if i open up about this pain i risk letting the pain out. i can hint though, i can try and let people know i'm not ok. i can make phone calls to supportive people, maybe.
  mostly, though, i *can* avoid si for today, and see how things seem after i've tried other things for a little while. i might need it tomorrow, but right now i can see it won't solve the problem, it will just pave over it until it comes out again later.

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  the situation will change slightly - i will be giving into my self-destructive nature, allowing hopelessness to rule my actions and probably bringing on worse thoughts and feelings. in the short term i will feel better, calmer and powerful, playful and numb.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  as above.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i don't see a way out. i think that i've come out of last year's depression but it feels like i'm sliding back and i don't see any point in fighting. nothing seems worth it. si now won't change much of that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief will last til i fall asleep. tomorrow i may feel like si-ing again but my sis would be around. we are going out, which will bring a distraction but i still might si again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could go for a walk. it's late but it's something that makes sense and should help, esp if i walk fast. although that could also just stir up my emotions too? i really should talk about this stuff but i'm afraid of going ip and *not* getting help there (it was not helpful last time). i maybe could move my t appt forward a few days. that could help a bit, maybe weekly appts for a little while.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  walking and contacting my t might make me feel more hopeful and stable. if i si i'm likely to feel the opposite - losing hope and stability.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to get rid of the si images in my head and the urge of my hands to pick up a blade. i think walking may help a little. otherwise doing something/anything - i don't have to let the feelings overwhelm me.

[treasure]

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  sort of, i should put some antiseptic on it, brb.
• what had happened just before?
  i was in bed with the light off, trying to sleep
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  i was thinking about wanting to su and hating myself, feeling worthless and sad
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  i've been thinking about si most nights recently. it's a time where i'm more vulnerable and thinking more negatively. there was no extra thing that made me go from urge to action - i just wanted to.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  the past few nights i could've got out of bed and done before questions here, or other things online, instead of letting myself dwell on si and su thoughts. maybe if i was prepared to fight it prior to last night then it would've been easier to fight then. i just don't know how to make myself fight right now - it feels like i si is inevitable.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  no. my sleep is alright most nights.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  i listened to a guided meditation for sleep. i listened to music. those things just distracted me briefly without stopping the urges.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  getting out of bed might have helped. maybe going for a short walk, or doing something creative, or coming on bus.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  i will move the tool i used so that i'm forced to get out of bed. i might put a little sticker on the outside of my drawer that says 'bus'.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  it isn't resolved - i still feel depressed and su. i could make a drs appt and get a referral to a therapist. i could also talk about my low mood with my support worker.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  very likely to be in the same place tonight and every night while my sis is away. i will recognise it because i feel sad and desperate - like i should cry but i'm too angry to cry.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  i can commit to delaying with a game for at least a few mins, putting the tool somewhere less accessible, and if i really can't sleep - getting up and coming on bus.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  my sister was asleep, i was alone and free to do what i want
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  i left the tool beside my bed, so i made it a lot easier to take the opportunity
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  i think i would've listened to sad or angry music and cried - the si helped me push away the immense feelings i didn't want to feel
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  the urge would have been about the same. i imagine i might have felt frustrated enough to scratch myself with my fingernails, so i would've taken any opportunity to hurt myself.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  i've been using the opportunity of being alone and having a tool near me. to some extent i've been thinking about si during the day as well and i put it off to do at night when i can be alone.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  if i wasn't able to be alone or have a tool with me i think i would feel desperate and angry and really self-destructive. i've been ip where i was alone without tools and i still si'd by hitting or finding things that could scratch or bruise. i would feel trapped if all opportunities were taken away (even if i gave them up, everything is worse. i would rather have an opportunity that you can choose not to take).

[Spidey]

Judging by your post, it seems like your biggest urges are at night?

Beyond moving tool, and since guided meditation is something that is hit or miss, is there something else you can do if walking isn't an opportunity? Like reading/drawing/crosswords or the like?

[treasure]

Judging by your post, it seems like your biggest urges are at night?

yes, although i think most of what 'makes' me want si is stuff going on during the day. it might help to do things differently during the day, as well as trying to tackle the intense urges at night in a less destructive way.

Beyond moving tool, and since guided meditation is something that is hit or miss, is there something else you can do if walking isn't an opportunity? Like reading/drawing/crosswords or the like?

reading is a good one - i have a couple of books i should try to finish. it's hard to turn the light on though - i have convinced myself that 2hrs of thinking and tossing and turning is somehow better than an hr of wakefulness and then sleep. i probably need to go to bed a little earlier so that calming down and getting to sleep is happening earlier (since it often does take 2hrs).

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel strong and dark, powerful and calm, in control and above petty feelings.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring scars, wounds i have to take care of, a satisfied numbness. it will take away some of my ability to find ways of coping.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  there isn't a long run at the moment. next week i don't think i will care what i did today, it won't change what i want.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief will probably last til the morning, and then i will do the things i planned to do, including meeting a friend.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could read - it might be engaging but i haven't started the book yet so it may be boring or tiring to read. i could listen to music, it might be useful to change the music on my phone. actually i could put some podcasts on my phone, they have been distracting me pretty well lately. i just need to fill an hr or two (or three) before i fall asleep.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if is si i will be numb tomorrow and probably happy about it. if i listen to music or podcasts i think i will feel drained and upset again tomorrow, but i might find other things that will help then. it's not guaranteed that i will feel better after si-ing, maybe it will make me feel worse.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to have someone hug me and let me cry on their shoulder. i want to talk to a therapist about my inner life and get feedback on how i can feel better. i want a sense of healing, and i don't think i can do it on my own - on my own i'd just be a crying broken mess. it is self-protective to avoid feelings of loneliness and hopelessness but i am alone and hopeless right now and there's not much i can do to fix that. so apart from si, i just have to help myself not get overwhelmed, and hope the feelings will pass soon.

[treasure]

not so much answering the questions as typing out how i feel and using the q's as prompts...
why now? i had a good day, i am not completely alone (my sis is in bed but awake and occasionally talking to me). i am anxious about a busy day tomorrow, but i guess more anxious about early mornings - i need to be out of the house around 9am tomorrow and that's early for me. on sat i need to leave at 8:30am and not sure how to do that without feeling very tired and very fragile. i'm also anxious about my web design client who wants seo exposure which i can't magically create and it feels frustrating to communicate that. i'm triggered by a tv show - someone who was going to kill themselves to prove they're immortal (which they are but the other characters didn't know and he was taken to an asylum). also mentioning a lot about how s&m can produce pain to make emotional pain feel better, and how the physical pain was easier to bear. a lot like si.

it's been a while since i felt viscerally like i wanted to cut myself. it's weird how i feel, i think on the edge of being sad and overwhelmed but instead i feel angry i think, angry at the world and at my weaknesses. it makes sense to express the anger as pain and marks on my body. it has been expressed like that before, i don't really know how to handle anger without turning it inward. how can someone stand the pain of their own weakness/worthlessness and the pain of how much the world fails you without just imploding?

i'm aware of my felingsto some extent but if i can handle it i should try to be really aware, of where i feel, of what i physically feel, of how it might come and go or change. i don't know if i can handle being in my body though, if i might just default to pain, even silently scratching myself if that's all i can manage without being found out. it's not like i would be found out though, i just can go in another room...

i can't really tell if i want this or not. if i didn't si right now (or soon) what else can i do? i opened youtube but i'm worried it won't distract me enough. i could try some blogs, maybe some random posts will keep my attention. i could use and/or add to my coping box that i've just started making. i could write some poetry. i could look online for things i might want to buy... that is tempting, more than other options. i will try that for a few minutes and then come back to this post...

*edit*
distraction helped. i feel less uptight and desperate. i think i will try watching videos for a little while, and then read a bit and go to bed. will be back here if my thoughts wander too close to si...

[treasure]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel better. i will express something i need to express. i will create a protection to wall off some of the darkness.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it brings relief from pain, it brings a form of self-expression that i don't really understand but currently makes sense to me. it will take away some of my emotional flexibility, making it harder to feel happy. it will make more less stable, more likely to si again in the future.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  idk. parts of me are fighting about what i want in the long run. whether i can handle life or whether i can't handle any more pain and need to end life.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief will last for a few days i think. around that time i will have an appt with my therapist and probably get some advice on figuring out what i want and how to keep myself safe. i don't think i can do that on my own, i need to talk to her (or someone who understands).
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  it's bed time so i really should go to bed. i won't be able to sleep yet though. maybe i could listen to a podcast, that would help calm me and distract me for a while. it's sort of ok if i don't sleep for a while, i've been having trouble getting to sleep and there's enough time to catch an hr or 2 extra in the morning.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si i will feel bad tomorrow, i will feel like i have an interesting secret that i want to talk about but can't. i will feel distant, but protected from hurt, better but more numb and probably more separated from other people. if i don't si, i will feel like a mess tomorrow, but i might be able to reach out and talk to others, or at least feel some sense of connection.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i'm ok to listen to a podcast i think. there is a self-protective reason to si and that's okay to need/want but can be achieved in other ways. i protect myself from the feelings by listening to something calming and hopefuly getting a restful sleep.

[treasure]

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  yes
• what had happened just before?
  i had an appointment with a new case worker at an employment agency. she really pushed me to try harder, to act like i really want to work, and asked me to find out some contact information that i don't know if i can find out.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  there was an inner voice i hadn't felt that strongly in a while. it only says 'please' but it's desperate and sad and wants the pain to stop - it needed me to si.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  the voice was a final straw. i was triggered slightly last night and again this morning and again from the appointment - the voice was something more on top of all that.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  before i si'd i fought with myself about calling my t, but i didn't have the strength to fight any more. after the trigger this morning i could've sat down and come on bus or emailed/messaged my t about it, rather than going straight to the appt.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  not sleeping the best but i am getting 'enough' sleep. there weren't any outside factors i can do anything about.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  i remembered/recited some positive songs. i told myself i could sit and read and see if the feelings passed, but i couldn't concentrate on the book. neither of those were strong enough against the inner voice, although the songs did put me off si for a little while.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  messaging my t could've helped, esp if she was able to call my back. i don't know anything else - i don't feel like i have any defenses against the voices. seroquel helps but i'm on an extended version that i have at night, i don't think it would help if i took that.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  i will talk to my t tomorrow about coping with triggers and the voice, and i might see if i have any other forms of seroquel to take if the situation happens again.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  it's not resolved - i still feel like my case worker pushed too much. i will try to get the information she asked for and if i can't cope with doing that i'll definitely need to talk to her about it. hopefully i will talk through the triggers with my t and not be as upset next time i see my case worker.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  i don't know - i didn't realise i was being triggered and overwhelmed until it happened. i guess i need to sometimes take some time out to figure out one trigger before putting myself in a stressful situation (the trigger this morning was from talking to an acquaintance and wishing we could redo the past 10 years, which reminded me where i was physicall and mentally about 10 years ago).
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  i will try to listen to music (maybe the positive songs would help more being out loud instead of in my head)
  i will try and text my t when i am feeling really triggered
  i will come on bus

[treasure]

This isn't about si but i was thinking about si and then went and gambled some money and it was really hard to stop and walk away.

Posting on my phone so i'm going to submit part of it then edit my post so i don't accidentally lose the whole thing.

I generally gamble occasionally and don't have a problem with it. This is the first time i've felt like i shouldn't leave and i think it was because there were feelings or something i was trying to avoid.

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• what had happened just before?
  I went to the shops.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  Feeling a bit anxious, feeling self-conscious because i bleached my hair and it looks strange (going to colour it when i get a chance). Wishing i had more money maybe, feeling like buying myself nice things might make me feel less depressed (in general, i didn't feel depressed until after i gambled).
• why did you end up doing this then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  I had money on me and had given myself the ok to spend it except for $15 i needed for something. I was feeling good beforehand, nothing felt like the final straw.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  If i was more in tune with my feelings maybe i could've chosen to get a hot drink or something as a treat and some time out to relax.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  None of those.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides gambling? how well did they work?
  Didn't try anything else.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  Yeah. A hot drink, listening to music or coming on bus.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  Maybe journal about it and remind myself if i'm at that location that i might prefer to have space to relax rather than gambling.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to gambling now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  I'm not home yet so i'm still anxious. Typing here is making me feel like i'm resolving something.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  probably. i will need to check in with myself if i'm going to gamble about how i feel and what i want out of the experience. it won't always be a quick pick-me-up.
• what will you try before you resort to gambling if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  take a minute to really figure out if it's what i want to do or just an easy option. go to the library instead. go back into the shopping centre and sit down with some tea/coffee/other drink.

About Opportunities
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  being alone, having money to spend
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  it was there for the taking
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  probably felt more and more upset until i got home and then been able to do things on the computer to make myself feel better. although i would've had si urges and it would've been hard not to si later.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  increased
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  i keep tools around so opportunities to si are mostly being alone and feeling strong urges with no reason to fight them
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  sad, angry, upset

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  immeditate pain will take away the mental pain and anxiety. it will help me use up energy, express my feelings in a way that feels constructive - making something out of it, turning it into something that pushes me forward (out of the house, to my appt, to the errands and chores i need to do).
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it brings calm, peace, a clear mind (maybe? it might increase the dissociative voices rather than remove them). it will take away the panic, the feeling of falling apart, the directionless energy that is bouncing through my body/mind.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  long run i don't care.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  relief will probably last an hr or two, get me to my appt but might leave me vulnerable after the appt. i'm hoping there will be something i can do - shopping or something - to help me relax a bit after the appt and get home again. less opportunity to si while i'm out (unless i take a specific tool with me). might be hard not to si again, since there's a lot of things to make me anxious and i don't know how to stop that. in some ways that makes it better to not si - if i do it later then more things will be 'dealt with' and calmed down, but also maybe facing the anxiety without si will be possible and will reduce the anxiety just by showing up. maybe there are other ways to reduce the anxiety - although i feel like none will work right now.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  maybe facing and accepting the anxiety as necessary and temporary will help me get through some of this, and then i can deal with how i feel after my appt. i need to get a script today, so i can't avoid my appt. i will bring a book to maybe read after the appt (or before if there's a wait). and i will listen to music. i just will try and get to after the appt. i want to bring the si tool, but i think it would be very very easy to use it and it might be an impulsive decision that i would regret. if i need si, i will find the opportunity, i don't need to make it so easy.
  if i get through the appt and stuff, then i will need to relax at home, be nice to myself (if i can), and let things calm down.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si then tomorrow will feel uncomfortable but mostly calm, stronger somehow. if i don't si then i might be a mess tomorrow, anxious again, but i have a t appt tomorrow which might help.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  really want to si, but i would guess self-protectiveness wants me to get rid of the anxiety and i might be able to do that if i just go out and face the things making me anxious. it won't get rid of it, but maybe it will help a little?