Before

[Spidey]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i never ever have an answer to this question. all i can ever really say is that it will feel better? like somehow it will get better? and like i don't have to live up to the expectation of being/staying clean

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

bring??? eh. peace. a sense of freedom. relaxation. purging all the "bad" so i can be pure and whole and stuff again.

take away. there will be a lot of very disappointed people. but i like living. si will help that. so will purging. so will staying away from food. all of this is very complicated. i just know people will really be pissed

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

can it end please

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

it depends on a lot of factors, most really triggering to others. and hey there's always booze

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i wouldn't be here if i knew that answer tbh. i've tried talking and riding it out and posting here and listening to music and ogling die mannschaft and all sorts of shit.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

bad / the same

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

disappear. sleep. disappear. cut.

i want soccer and the cubs and to be able to eat without fear

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

i feel like it's inevitable. too much shit. too much stress. too much pain. too much anguish. too many things and good stuff and etc gone.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

i guess. i drank. hangovers suck.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

i was productive, i ate some food (shit that didn't work out too well), i watched soccer, i kept track of transfer rumours, i watched the cubs, i looked at a bunch of pics of my favourite players, i listened to tm network, i came here.

How do I feel right now?

empty, lonely, cut off

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

alive

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

euphoric based on past experience. generally like a moron. i can't wear my new jersey if i cut.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

dunno

Do I need to hurt myself?

i need to hurt myself as much as schalke needs to win the bundesliga (read: no) but it sure as fuck feels like it.


i need stuff and i don't know how to say it. i can't say "i need love" because it's too general and saying "i need someone to love and take care of me and to listen to me and take my words at face value and not correct/demean/dismiss me" seems like it's too much

[treasure]

replying to one little thing, i don't mean to ignore the rest but i can't think enough right now.

How do I feel right now?

empty, lonely, cut off

i need stuff and i don't know how to say it. i can't say "i need love" because it's too general and saying "i need someone to love and take care of me and to listen to me and take my words at face value and not correct/demean/dismiss me" seems like it's too much

in an ideal world you could ask for what you need but in the messy world there are still sometimes ways of getting that stuff without expressing the vulnerable "i need..." (although why is it too much to ask for what you need? listening to you and taking you seriously and respecting you seems like easy things for people to do - maybe you could ask for that?).

you could take a risk and ask someone to hang out with you (they might say no). you could call someone, even a crisis line, just for some sense of connection. you could come up with an appropriate response compared to what actually happened and ask people to shift their behaviour to a more helpful one. you could do activities that make you feel cared for, even if by yourself (for me getting into bed helps).

like you've told me, si will be temporary, it's not going to magic away all the bad stuff. same with food or alcohol stuff. if you can get through the negative feelings, the really shitty feelings, then they *will* change, they will be easier at some point.