Stellaria before, late november

[Stellaria]

I'm a bit puzzled by myself... will put this here although I'm not in deep distress.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  There is some kind of desire for the rush... I don't want to drink or eat chocolate or net shop. Certainly not talk to other people. My back really hurts when I move right now, I can't run or even walk for more than a few minutes without resting. SI has been in my head for days now.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  I want the kick. I want to feel like I can decide over my own body. For a while, it would take away those repetitive SI thoughts.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  In the long run, I wish I would not even think about it, but that is extremely unlikely to ever happen. As it is, I feel I'm "spoilt goods" already. The one thing that actually matters to me is that it worries my husband, I don't much care anymore what other people think. Unfortunately, it also makes me a bit resentful towards him (otherwise, I'm rarely angry at him) - he "stops" me from doing what I want just by caring. Whatever I do, some part of me is upset.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  It would at least get the SI thoughts out of my head for a few days. Maybe a couple of weeks. It depends on my mood and how stressed out I am. Then things would probably repeat themselves.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  Pretend I'm normal. Do the dishes. Visit the Christmas market downtown, buy a wreath for the front door. I should also clean out the old plants that have died now from the frost, maybe plant some winter heather. Temporary stuff. Start all over tomorrow.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  It's complicated, I don't like not hurting myself for the sake of other people, it's like making them responsible for my condition. At the same time, I don't want to make someone I love uneasy.
  
  I'm sure my husband will be much happier if I act normal. I don't want to hate him for that.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  
  My first thought is: Does it even matter what I want?

[treasure]

My first thought is: Does it even matter what I want? [/list]

i think it does matter but i think maybe you value your relationship more than the relief you'd get from si.

i also do things because someone else wants or expects it and i find most of the time going along with that is helpful for me (because they don't have mental illness clouding their thoughts) but other times it is a good idea to interrupt the pattern and think for myself. it doesn't matter if my decision is the same as what the other person would do, just having the ability to think through something and be responsible for the consequences can be a good thing. to some extent posting here means you thought about the reasons for si and the consequences of it and made the decision not to si. it wasn't all because of your husband, you do have control over the decisions you make.

There is some kind of desire for the rush... I don't want to drink or eat chocolate or net shop. Certainly not talk to other people.

what would that rush help you with - is it because of the back pain? can you do anything else to help with that pain?

[Stellaria]

i also do things because someone else wants or expects it and i find most of the time going along with that is helpful for me (because they don't have mental illness clouding their thoughts) but other times it is a good idea to interrupt the pattern and think for myself. it doesn't matter if my decision is the same as what the other person would do, just having the ability to think through something and be responsible for the consequences can be a good thing. to some extent posting here means you thought about the reasons for si and the consequences of it and made the decision not to si. it wasn't all because of your husband, you do have control over the decisions you make.

I agree with you that I have a lot of control over my decisions. Then you can always argue about at what point you lose your grip because you are too crazy, or how self-determined you really are if someone is holding a gun to your head, but neither of those situations apply right now.

Maybe it's falling back into old patterns... sacrificing what I want for the sake of others, and then it all becomes a mess. Even though I'm not in the same position now, the emotions make it hard for me to think clearly. It's like... one half of me wants to show a lot of consideration to other people, while the other half screams "no, if you let anyone else influence you, things will blow up!"

If anything, it's in these stupid little self-destructive areas that this manifests the most. If you have decent, nice people around you - and I have now - they are happy when you do constructive things. When I do constructive things, I feel like I'm being influenced, and it's scary. I don't trust it.

There is some kind of desire for the rush... I don't want to drink or eat chocolate or net shop. Certainly not talk to other people.

what would that rush help you with - is it because of the back pain? can you do anything else to help with that pain?

I already know that I have some wear and tear in my back, it comes and goes. I think it's worse now because I have gained a massive amount of weight in a very short time (med side effect). That med was just for temporary use, and I hope I can lose some weight again soon. But the pain isn't terrible, it doesn't hurt when I sit or lie down, just when I walk for a while.

No, the urge is just for the kick, for something to break up monotony. At the same time, I really, really need to live a life of boredom for now, I have travelled and socialized in the past week+ and I'm way past the point where I need to rest or I will get sick again. I know this very well from experience. So I will find some tv series to disappear into for now...

[WalkingStick]

The one thing that actually matters to me is that it worries my husband, I don't much care anymore what other people think. Unfortunately, it also makes me a bit resentful towards him (otherwise, I'm rarely angry at him) - he "stops" me from doing what I want just by caring. Whatever I do, some part of me is upset.

I get this COMPLETELY. I'm 100% the same way.


Sorry I don't have much constructive to say. But, I've been intimidated to post in this forum and reading through your honest posts is helping me feel like it's something I can do soon. I admire your effort- if that makes sense.

[Stellaria]

WalkingStick - thank you

It's a good place to write your thoughts down, whether just for yourself or for input from other people. I have found that people here in general are caring and not judgemental. You don't have to write in any "perfect" form, you can just give it a try and see if any thoughts pop up.

For me, it's not even the biggest thing whether or not I stop myself from SI'ing every single time, but to disentangle the mess I trip over and get a better view. I don't really have anyone IRL who has a good grasp of SI, even though I'm in therapy. To me, there are more aspects than the usually assumed factors of anxiety relief/self punishment/(and don't get me started on attention seeking). I love my therapist and she has been extremely helpful in other areas, but I feel she can't do much for me here.