Before, again.

[Spidey]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

Maybe if I SI the SU stuff will go away.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Bring: Mental peace, a feeling of being okay, feeling safe. Guilt, too, likely.
Take away: My record long SI free streak, I'll have let S down, I'll probably end up feeling like shit.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want it to go away. I don't want to feel anything like this in the long run. I don't know if it will get me closer or farther.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I want to be numb. It will last until I get drunk. Then I'll pass out.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could finish these questions. Work. Watch old Dortmund matches. Nap.
I don't know how I will feel after I do all that. I just want to be numb.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Shit, shit.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I am SU and I don't want to be, I want to SI as a failsafe, I feel like shit, everything feels awful and heavy.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yeah. Bad things happened.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I watched football, baseball, soccer, I slept, I got incredibly drunk, I tried to ignore it. I don't know.

How do I feel right now?

Like shit.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Numb.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Numb. And then like shit.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

You can't avoid your life.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Do I need to breathe?

[treasure]

You can't avoid your life.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Do I need to breathe?

i don't know if i can make a coherent reply but i wanted to say how much feeling i can see in that quote, how i can imagine being there, that i have been there, and that i understand being numb is such a massive temptation. i want to say that feelings are bearable, that you can feel hopeless and desperate and continue breathing and continue living and it won't just kill you to feel. but i know that stuff happens to you (and me) when feelings are too much, when brains just act weird. i think that the focus should not be numbness though - that will only be a very temporary thing and then what? you can't escape into alcohol and si for very long without massive consequences. focus on something that is part of the feelings but not directly. like focus on breathing, just on letting it happen and using it to help you relax. focus on beautiful things or awesome things or uplifting things, even if you don't believe they are true.

be kind to yourself. even if there's no reason to, i think that you should be.

[Spidey]

You can't avoid your life.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Do I need to breathe?

i don't know if i can make a coherent reply but i wanted to say how much feeling i can see in that quote, how i can imagine being there, that i have been there, and that i understand being numb is such a massive temptation. i want to say that feelings are bearable, that you can feel hopeless and desperate and continue breathing and continue living and it won't just kill you to feel. but i know that stuff happens to you (and me) when feelings are too much, when brains just act weird. i think that the focus should not be numbness though - that will only be a very temporary thing and then what? you can't escape into alcohol and si for very long without massive consequences. focus on something that is part of the feelings but not directly. like focus on breathing, just on letting it happen and using it to help you relax. focus on beautiful things or awesome things or uplifting things, even if you don't believe they are true.

be kind to yourself. even if there's no reason to, i think that you should be.

I'm trying so hard. So, so hard. But it's becoming so difficult.

[Scarlett_]

I'm cheering you on. You're trying really hard, thats all anyone can ask for.