moon raver's before and after masterpost

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
i have taken care of them
what had happened just before?
i was thinking about dinner. i was bored and felt the need to self soothe, but i guess in my mind you can't just self soothe for no reason, you can't just take care of yourself for no reason, so i self harmed
what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought i needed to baby myself, but i needed a reason
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
it was impulsive. i had my box of tools out so i could write DBT skills on it and i just thought "maybe i should SH so i will have a reason to self soothe"
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
it was impulsive. i could take care of myself when i don't feel the need so that when i do feel the need i don't resort to self harm
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i guess i'm somewhat tired, unbalanced eating (restricting), being off my lithium (having not had the prescription yet) intense loneliness
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried online window shopping and it distracted me for a bit until i got bored and antsy and overwhelmed
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have made crafts, avoided being alone, colored with my brother, played video games with my brother, done a tarot reading, played solitaire...
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will leave my DBT skills box where i can see it instead of under my bed
i will snap a rubber band when i want to self harm
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved, i still feel lonely and neglected and i still need to be babied
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will recognize it by feelings of helplessness, feelings of isolation, loneliness, boredom
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
exercising (yoga, pilates, weights)
drawing my feelings
pampering myself with a spa night
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
because i already had the tools out, all i needed to do was use them
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was there for the taking
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have probably done something else
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
decreased
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
being alone, having tools, being bored/having intense emotions
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
i would feel "some type of way"

[moon raver]

BEFORE
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i feel "FAT" and ashamed and like i should have eaten less when i really didn't eat much today, like i should purge or take laxatives.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i usually self harmed when i felt fat
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
listening to music and lying down, lit an incense stick and let it burn for a bit
How do I feel right now?
i feel bored, worthless
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
not very well. desperate, physical pain.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
after i will feel relieved but ashamed
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i could eat less or fast
Do I need to hurt myself?
yes
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel less ashamed
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring relief and disappointment and comfort
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel like i'm good enough, like i don't need to lose any weight.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will last for a few hours, at which point i will either cut again, or deal with it later
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could sing or create something
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel disappointed tomorrow if i hurt myself, i will feel tense and on edge if i don't self harm
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to lose weight. i could exercise or use self soothe.

[moon raver]

AFTER
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, i have.
what had happened just before?
i started feeling some type of way about myself, fat and ugly, like a pig.
what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought i don't deserve to eat, i deserve to starve. i felt ashamed.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
it was impulsive
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for
some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have stopped to think before self harming
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried listening to music, singing, and lighting incense
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
no
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will look at the top of my box that contains my tools because it has distress tolerance skills on it
write the distress tolerance skills in a place that can be easily seen
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved, is what i think i should say, but i think it really is. i feel better.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will recognize when i start to obsess over food and calories and weight
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will do my nails
i will online window shop
i will play with candles

[treasure]

hi moon raver, i was wondering if you wrote the last 2 posts about the same si urges? if so - did you do anything creative like you planned to?

what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought i don't deserve to eat, i deserve to starve. i felt ashamed.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
it was impulsive

it might feel like an impulse that you have to act on at that moment, but at the same time, it doesn't sound impulsive. it sounds like negative thoughts and feelings were simmering for a little while before then and they led to the si urges. were there any times in the hours before si-ing where you felt the negative thoughts and feelings at a slightly less intense level? there might be warning signs in your thoughts/feelings that can tell you that you need to intervene by talking to someone or doing something to help yourself cope.

in my experience, i down-grade anything negative to just be background noise and then the si urges seem to come out of nowhere but the negative background stuff is worth paying attention to. specific things might trigger you and then hours or days later you might feel the need to si, without knowing that you were struggling for a while and the si is trying to help you cope.

[moon raver]

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
kind of? i mean, i identified the trigger, but not the thoughts and feelings associated with them. i just recognized the trigger and the thoughts of self harm
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i guess i felt kind of upset because i got removed from my classes and kind of angry and kind of sad
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i brewed some white raspberry tea, turned on bbc sherlock, cuddled with my mom, and wrapped up in a big tardis hoodie. yes, i'm american, yes, i like british tv.
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
i believe they were
Why do I think they worked?
because they comforted me
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i think i dealt with it pretty well this time.

[moon raver]

hi moon raver, i was wondering if you wrote the last 2 posts about the same si urges? if so - did you do anything creative like you planned to?

what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought i don't deserve to eat, i deserve to starve. i felt ashamed.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
it was impulsive

it might feel like an impulse that you have to act on at that moment, but at the same time, it doesn't sound impulsive. it sounds like negative thoughts and feelings were simmering for a little while before then and they led to the si urges. were there any times in the hours before si-ing where you felt the negative thoughts and feelings at a slightly less intense level? there might be warning signs in your thoughts/feelings that can tell you that you need to intervene by talking to someone or doing something to help yourself cope.

in my experience, i down-grade anything negative to just be background noise and then the si urges seem to come out of nowhere but the negative background stuff is worth paying attention to. specific things might trigger you and then hours or days later you might feel the need to si, without knowing that you were struggling for a while and the si is trying to help you cope.

they were about the same urges, unfortunately. i didn't try anything creative that i can remember, i just thought about using coping skills, then didn't.

[amerylis]

Go you Moonraver! Tea and Sherlock and a Doctor Who hoodie sounds a perfect evening and ideal coping techniques. OT but which series are you on? Im still trying to see series 3 I've only ever caught the 1st episode

Back on track, is there a way you can try and remember that you beat the urge this time (showing you are stronger than the SI) and that it is OK to comfort yourself and be nice to yourself?

[moon raver]

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes. contempt and loathing for the idea of someone
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i felt like i was worthless because the police thought i was lying about my rape, and told me straight up that it was just a story
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i just kept writing
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
no
If No - What coping skills got me through?
writing and pushing through
Why do I think they worked?
i don't really know. it's nearly 3 am and i'm tired af
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i could prepare myself if i know i'm going to be writing about rape

[amerylis]

well done for getting through that. our idea of being prepared next time you write about the subject is a good one. could you plan to have comforting items or distractions nearby to help with the emotions the writing will bring up?

[moon raver]

well done for getting through that. your idea of being prepared next time you write about the subject is a good one. could you plan to have comforting items or distractions nearby to help with the emotions the writing will bring up?

first, i've already seen all the episodes of sherlock, i just like to rewatch them when i'm upset.
second, i could have some tea or a candle/incense, or talk to my mother beforehand, so that i can go to her after.

[amerylis]

All of those options sound good especially as you could light the incense while you write.

[moon raver]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
because my grandpa is being an asshole, saying mean things, degrading my political views to whims of a child
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
usually in the past, i would have yelled and screamed and maybe cut. i want to cut now. in the past i would feel angry, enraged, hurt.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i drew a butterfly on my arm. actually i had my brother draw one.
How do I feel right now?
i feel hurt
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relieved and anxious
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
anxious, paranoid, careful
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
yes, i can go to my room and listen to music and just chill.
Do I need to hurt myself?
not really, i just would like to.
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it will change because it will make me more calm and less likely to explode or implode
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring relief and anxiety, it will take away anger and release frustration
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel accomplished for not exploding or hurting myself. hurting myself will get me further from that goal.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could go to my room and listen to music, i could watch youtube videos, i could talk to my mommy.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel neutral tomorrow if i hurt myself. i will feel accomplished if i use a coping skill
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i could draw butterflies all over myself and cuddle with my mom and maybe paint my nails and do a facial?

[Spidey]

I think you have some good ideas on how to distract yourself and get through this. Take care

[moon raver]

TW SA
After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
i did
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i was feeling ashamed, and upset because i was sexually assaulted a year and a half ago and i felt like i couldn't talk to anybody
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i went to my mom and had her call the rape crisis line for me
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
yes, i believe reaching out was a very good coping skill.
Why do I think they worked?
because i was able to be around a person (my mom) who i would not SI in front of.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, i've cleaned my cuts, and taken a shower.
what had happened just before?
nothing that i can remember
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt desperate to cut
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i just felt the need then
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
my vulnerabilities were unbalanced eating (binging) and obsession w food
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking to my mom and cleaning the kitchen
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
listening to music and going on bus
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will snap a rubber band if i feel like self harming and i will set a reminder on my phone of things to do when i feel like shing
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is resolved. i feel better now.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will be in that place in the future. i will recognize it by the "itchy" feeling and the desperation to self harm
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
music
reading
going on bus

[treasure]

hi moon raver.
two things i've learned when dealing with the itchy desperate feelings - first that si is a coping mechanism so it makes sense to want it or need it, but sometimes the feelings you are escaping are not as bad as you think they are. if you give yourself permission to feel bad for a little while, to take some time to let the feelings be felt, then the urge to si can be less urgent or go away completely.
secondly the '5 minute' trick - put acting on the urge aside just for 5 mins. find anything that will fill 5 mins - walking, reading, music and promise yourself to wait until that 5 mins is up, even if the urge is really strong. once you have made it to 5 mins, that is a good thing, you can push yourself to wait longer than 5 mins or to make small 5 min promises to yourself for a little while. it's ok if you end up si-ing after the 5 mins, but each time you try other ways to cope it will get easier to push si away a little bit and to make it less urgent and less impulsive.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
i have taken care of my wounds.
what had happened just before?
my mom was upset because we don't really have any food that she likes. so she was getting a little short tempered and snippy, so i felt some type of way
what were you thinking and feeling?
i was thinking "she's a bitch" and i felt... some type of way? (a little angry and frustrated)
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
there was no final straw, it was just a case of event--->emotion--->behavior
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have decided to go to my room and use coping skills instead of self harming
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i don't think there were any outside factors...
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did not try anything else
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have walked away and watched a movie, or listened to music
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will draw a butterfly on my hand or arm to remind myself not to self harm, i will snap a rubber band every time i feel like self harming to kind of snap me out of my impulsive behaviors
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved, i could talk to my mom about why she was acting that way
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i will recognize it when i start getting a little miffed
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i could watch a movie
listen to music
drink tea while doing these things

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i made an opportunity
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have probably had an angry outburst
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
it would have increased
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
being alone, having tools, first aid supplies
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
i would feel frustrated

[moon raver]

hi moon raver.
two things i've learned when dealing with the itchy desperate feelings - first that si is a coping mechanism so it makes sense to want it or need it, but sometimes the feelings you are escaping are not as bad as you think they are. if you give yourself permission to feel bad for a little while, to take some time to let the feelings be felt, then the urge to si can be less urgent or go away completely.
secondly the '5 minute' trick - put acting on the urge aside just for 5 mins. find anything that will fill 5 mins - walking, reading, music and promise yourself to wait until that 5 mins is up, even if the urge is really strong. once you have made it to 5 mins, that is a good thing, you can push yourself to wait longer than 5 mins or to make small 5 min promises to yourself for a little while. it's ok if you end up si-ing after the 5 mins, but each time you try other ways to cope it will get easier to push si away a little bit and to make it less urgent and less impulsive.

i have never actually tried the five minute trick, but i assume it would work for me. along with snapping a rubber band every time i feel the urge to self harm, i could snap the rubber band to remind me to use the five minute trick, then i could use it and at least put off self harming.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
no i have not, but it isn['t bleeding anymore if that's what you mean. if i get the first aid kit out, it'll only lead to more SI
what had happened just before?
i turned off the xbox, not knowing my brother hadn't saved his game. he got very upset and started crying and whining and then he scratched himself to try to SI. i couldn't believe it! he's 9!
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt ashamed and guilty and i thought that it was my fault he did that, if only i never did it, he wouldn't know about it and he wouldn't SI
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i felt very strongly in that moment
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i tried to stop myself. first, i told him to go sleep in my mom's room so i could cut, then i invited him back in, but then i told him to hold on a minute as i was "changing" was really cutting a little bit
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep i guess, i'm up later than usual because i won't take melatonin because it makes me sleepy
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking to somebody and having somebody else in the room so i couldn't SH, but those only lasted so long
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes. i could have never kicked my brother out of our room, because i could never sh in front of him or anyone.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will just make a mental note, and use a rubber band to snap on my wrist when i feel these strong emotions
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved. tomorrow, i will talk to my mom about it and ask for her help
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
maybe, if i ever see he's self harming, ever again, i would probably kill myself. i actually considered it tonight, but didn't make a plan or go through with any impulses because of my brother. what would happen to him if i were gone? he's said before he would kill himself if i died.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will color
i will cuddle a stuffed animal
i will come on bus

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, i've cleaned the new ones and the existing ones with peroxide and put antibiotic cream on them
what had happened just before?
i don't know, i guess i was kind of nervous about my friendship date today (the SH happened yesterday)
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt anxious, and i thought "what if... i do the wrong thing? what if it's awkward? what if she decides she hates me before we pick her up?"
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
for relief of my anxiety and to help me fall asleep
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have not asked my mom to take my brother to bed so i wouldn't be alone
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep, unbalanced eating (restricting), anxiety
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried writing, answering before questions, they worked well for the time being, but then i binged because of my anxiety. then i self harmed because of the binge and because of the anxiety
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have not isolated myself, i could have hung out with my grandpa and brother playing video games
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will keep myself from being alone, and i will snap a rubber band
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved, now i'm anxious and nervous about my cuts instead of my friendship date. i could just take a buspar and wait and see what happens
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
probably not, i usually don't feel the need to SH when i get anxious. but if i am, i will recognize it because, like many times before, i felt desperate, like it was either cut-or-die.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will play video games
i will read a book
i will go the fuck to sleep
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
i don't really understand the question
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i made one, i sent my brother to my mom's room so i could be alone, i took first aid supplies into the bathroom with me, and i SHed
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have probably colored or listened to music or gone to sleep
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
decreased probably
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
being alone, having tools and first aid supplies
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
i would feel some type of way. frustrated.