For subject, just take your pick of nasty swear words

[Stellaria]

I'm sorry, but I'm beyond frustrated right now. So very, very much of my SI urges went away last year, I think I had one really small incident and that was all. It was such a relief to not have those thoughts frequently invading my head like pests. I have hurt myself for what, 16 years now? But in the last 6-7 years, it became less physically harmful and I was finally thinking yay, I'm over this!

Now I had to make a medication change a little over three weeks ago (I'm bipolar) and the effect on my body and mind is just driving me nuts. I feel sad for ten minutes and then I'm fine, and then I talk to a friend on the phone and laugh really loud and babble way too much, and then I'm annoyed with something, and then I'm fine again, and my head hurts, and my body hurts, and I'm physically tired but mentally agitated (especially at night), and I have disturbing intrusive thoughts of violence (this is something that comes and goes and I have had it since forever, it's just really bad right now - I don't want to go and hurt somebody else, I have visions of things happening to myself).

I do try to stay busy, but to complicate things I have issues with staying focused and easily become exhausted. I really love to meet with friends, but can't do it every day because it makes me so exhausted I feel sick (I'm not talking about going to parties, just having a coffee and a chat is a day's work to me). Thankfully, my tolerance for my husband is greater , probably because I'm just so used to him. I take walks, I mean that's what pretty much everyone always tells you to do, and I think it must be good for the body, but when I feel this crazy it doesn't really ease my mind at all. I spend a lot of time on the computer, on message boards about very different stuff (not SI related) or reading articles I might find interesting. I have to jump back and forth. I have given more crafty stuff a go, knitting and painting, and house work, but lost interest immediately.

It's like I'm in this bubble now where my soul is screaming constantly for a sharp object. I'm trying to run away from the scream but I'm not getting anywhere. And I'm scared, because I know that when things get this intense, it can get out of control. It's been a long time since I believed that I always know what I'm doing. I can exert a lot of self control. But it is by no means fail proof.

Probably I just want to whine. I'm so damn upset that I have to go through this again after a year of relative peace.

Any hugs or stars or stern challenges are greatly welcomed.

[Stellaria]

Yeah, it's annoying, I was actually doing pretty well mentally, I didn't have any suicidal thoughts at all for over a year which is amazing for me, but some standard blood tests showed that a thyroid test and a kidney test were out of range. My hands were also shaking even worse than usually, I could practically not write at all. To be physically safe, the lithium was lowered, and to try to prevent a hypomania the antidepressant was also lowered, but I still became hypomanic so the antidepressant had to go. That's how it often is with these things, very delicate balances. I could have called my pdoc days ago, but I do have an appointment on Monday, and I know there is only so much he can do - some of my discomfort is discontinuation symptoms from the antidepressant and should fade, and he can't adjust the lithium before enough time has passed for the physical tests to settle.

The meds suck... and at the same time, I have to very grateful for them. I know there are people who take meds who don't need them and have no use for them, but for me they are a life saver, that has been proven over time. I'm an angry person right now, but I'm a living angry person.

Funnily enough I'm not depressed, just every other feeling in the book. That is a good thing, though, I'm not SU at all.

I just finished sort-of watching a tv series with my husband. I'm pretty restrictive with sleeping pills, but I think taking one and just heading off to bed would be a good option right now. (S)he who sleeps does not sin.

Thank you so much Kicks for your kind words

[Spidey]

Bipolar here, too. Med changes were awful for me, too. If I didn't feel like wanting to tear myself out of my body, I was almost hysterical. I gotta say that beyond their stabilising effects (I had to go off meds cold turkey because I could not afford them), I don't miss all the tweaking and side-effects.

[Stellaria]

You are right it is a very delicate balance... meds have been a life saver for me too... i wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for them... i know some people are against them but they are necessary for me and i put up with the side effects i have from them which luckily are few for me because they are so important for me... sorry you are having such a hard time but i am glad you aren't suicidal... i hope you guys find the right balance soon... hope you have a good sleep... if you are like me things are always better with sleep... take care of you

I'm glad you have stuff that doesn't give you too many side effects, I know you have sometimes been very ill and deserve some relief.

Thank you, I had a long sleep. Now I have another day and a half to get through before I can see pdoc, but sleeping got rid of a few of those hours...

Take care, you too

[Stellaria]

Bipolar here, too. Med changes were awful for me, too. If I didn't feel like wanting to tear myself out of my body, I was almost hysterical. I gotta say that beyond their stabilising effects (I had to go off meds cold turkey because I could not afford them), I don't miss all the tweaking and side-effects.

I have been through many, many med changes but I must say this has been a bad one, and I didn't quite expect it which is probably one reason it annoys me. I have quit Wellbutrin once before and the discomfort was smaller and gone within a week. All this brain chemistry stuff is continually baffling. Still, as long as I don't become suicidal it's not going to kill me.

I'm sorry you had to quit the meds just because of money - it's one thing when people simply don't want to take them, unless you are a total menace to society nobody should force them upon you, but it saddens me when you are denied them just because you are not wealthy enough. I hope you have found your own path without the pills.

[Stellaria]

Saw pdoc, who declared it a mixed episode, but I can't go back up to the previous lithium dose because the kidney and thyroid levels are still not okay, and I will probably have to reduce the lithium even more later on. So the valproic acid has to come up, and now I'm just hoping my liver will cooperate...

Whoever says "meds are the easy way out" will get a swift kick where it hurts from me.

Though seriously, I am grateful for the meds, when you get them to work they can do miracles. This will work itself out, just a bit more patience needed...

[Stellaria]

The mixed episode finally dissipated, and with it the SI urges, which I'm intensely grateful for!

Now I'm "just" depressed, and yeah, that's not fun either, but it's a lot more manageable.