Coping with Social Anxiety

[ChangeTheWorld]

one of the biggest paradoxes of my life is that I speak for a living. in my job I am constantly interacting with people, I lead plays as an actor and director in my leisure time, I have three beautiful children and a wife yet I am constantly almost completely overwhelmed by having to interact with people. For instance, one of my wife's relatives passed away recently and we went away for the funeral/wake/ allocation of the estate etc. I had to be strong for her but I HATED the relatives, the interaction, constant involvement with people. Before I had a family it was a great deal easier to withdraw. I lived alone, I mostly kept to myself. In my student days I lived in residential colleges but was known as the weird one who was never invited to parties on my floor. It didn't bother me at all preferring to be quiet and solitary and focus on my study (it paid off, four dean's listings and several faculty prizes and scholarship, and a damn good job but I wont brag) I used to think it was just introversion, naturally preferring my own company, but I noticed when we were away that I actually feel anxious and clam up when anyone I don't know speaks to me. At work it works because I know it's only between x and y times. If one of the kids has a party and a parent speaks to me I can usually keep it up for only a very small amount of time. At A's soccer games I sit in the car and let K be the "active parent". She understands, and I do my bit but I know it gets stressful for her. So the point is how do you deal with it?

[treasure]

i've fairly recently been working on reducing social anxiety and what works for a lot of people, including me, is exposure therapy. you don't have to work with a therapist necessarily, it's about challenging your behaviour and choices and choosing things that make you anxious rather than avoiding them. it's a little like stopping si i think, in that you have to learn to sit with some pain/discomfit/anxiety and deal with those rather than pushing them away, choosing the healthy behaviour when you are able to.

coping in situations that make you anxious sometimes can be helped by planning ahead. like how work is less stressful because you know when it ends/starts - you can remind yourself how long the situation will last and/or leave at a certain time (eg. i will talk to person a for 10 mins and then excuse myself by saying that i should do x now).
it has really helped me to be open about the anxiety - if the person you are speaking to knows you are anxious you are a lot less self-conscious about anxiety behaviour like twitching/moving or talking fast.

if you are speaking a lot at work as well as at home and on weekends, do you have enough quiet time for yourself? i find it overwhelming to be around people (other than my sister) more than a few days a week. in my experience reducing social anxiety is often about reducing anxiety in general - making sure i'm getting enough sleep, and am not on edge with other worries (like money or health issues).

it can also help anxiety to work with cbt, dealing with automatic thinking. for me at least, social anxiety is really ingrained thought patterns - thinking that i'm inferior to other people or likely to be humiliated and ridiculed. (a dr told me last week that it's roughly 80% of depression can be helped by meds and 80% of anxiety can be helped by therapy, not sure how true that is).

[Stawberry_Lollipops]

Social anxiety used to be a huge issue for me so I can relate. You are not alone. It can be overcome though, I'm living prove of that, as long as you have supportive people around you because it's not easy but certainly worth it in the end. It won't happen quickly either. It takes time and it means trying things over and over again. In essence it takes practise, just like anything else.

Like treasure suggested, exposure therapy is really the best way to combat social anxiety because you're challenging your mind but also teaching it that you WILL be okay in social situations. The first few times it's probably not going to work and you aren't going to feel good but if you keep at it your brain will learn that there is nothing to fear. Start with small things too, like perhaps just getting out of the car at your son's soccer games, even if you don't necessarily talk to anyone. Become familiar with the environment. Sit with the anxiety. It will pass. Everything does eventually. I know this isn't a pleasant process but it will get easier given time.

I find one of the things that really helped me when having to make 'small talk' with others was to rein in the focus on the other person. People love to talk about themselves, so let them. Ask them a few questions here and there and more often than not, they'll contribute to the majority of the conversation which at least for me takes the pressure off a bit.

Sometimes it's useful to ask yourself a few questions concerning your anxiety.

Why does x situation make me anxious? Is it because I fear I will say the wrong thing? Look like a fool? Because people won't like/accept me?

Once again like treasure said, a lot of the time it's ingrained thought patterns that make us anxious. And it's about challenging those thoughts and replacing them with new, more positive ones. I very much used to be afraid of saying something wrong or saying something that would make people think I was 'strange' or 'weird'. It took awhile to realise that I only thought that way because I considered myself to be strange so I was self concious that people would “pick up” on it. That's one example of an ingrained thought pattern that lead to social anxiety and anxiety talking to people I didn't know well. Once again challenging these type of thoughts is not easy and a lot of hard work, as they are tough to dislodge but you can do it! I believe in you and so does everyone here on BUS!

And above all give yourself credit. You have lived very much a solitary life until now. It's naturally going to be difficult to interact and talk with people but that isn't to say it can't be done. You may naturally be somebody who prefers their own company and is a solitary creature but you can still learn to interact with others effectively. It's mostly about accepting that the anxiety is going to be there. Acceptance of your social anxiety and your limitations is a big step in overcoming your social anxiety. You can't work on it and progress without accepting it's going to be there and that yeah, it's probably going to feel awful. It's then acknowledging it won't feel awful forever and that things will improve if you spend the time and energy trying to do so.

Have you got a therapist you can talk with more about this? I think a CBT type approach might help you here. Another thing is perhaps looking into any social anxiety group therapies in your area. This is what I did though it may seem kind of backwards, sitting in a room with other people who are just as anxious as you are, it is surprisingly beneficial and actually really helped me in overcoming my anxieties. I still have a close friend from that group and it's amazing how far we've both come. I think making friends with someone who could relate and was aware of my anxiety really helped. So just a suggestion that you might want to look into.

I think I've rattled on enough but feel free to PM if you need anything or whatever. I would keep posting here too. I am sure there will be other people who have some great ideas that may help you with your social anxiety.

Ness

[ChangeTheWorld]

A realization occurred to me that a lot of my recent social anxiety comes when I am anxious about passing i.e will people read me as male, will I blend in, will I be singled out or misgendered. It has gotten better since I have gotten further along but when I am in new situations where I have not disclosed I am trans, or it's not practical or advisable to do so, it is far worse. I am far enough along now to know that I am read as male (i.e people see me as male, without knowing me) probably about 90 percent of the time, but it is still those times when I cannot read an environment that bug me the most. It also usually relates to kids environments too... schools, birthday parties, sporting activities, dance lessons etc. Not many of the parents know me well, but they do know me, it's just those times when I meet people for the first time it's usually the first thing in my head "will they figure it out". I think exposure therapy will be a very good idea.

[disastercake]

Meeting new people in environments where it's important to be accepted is stressful even without the added stress of being misjudged. Ness and treasure had great suggestions. When I get overwhelmed in a social situation I find an excuse to go out to the car, go for a little walk, etc. just to recharge and regroup.

[steady hands]

I agree with a lot of the other suggestions. Exposure therapy is difficult, but finding small things to help alleviate my anxiety in tiny bits helps me get through situations a little easier.

One thing that helps me during the situation is to have something sort of to diffuse my anxiety a little bit and serve as a roadblock to negative thoughts, or as something comforting. It can be something just to help serve as an outlet for nervous energy or to help keep you a little grounded. I like having something to fidget with - any sort of jewelry, something small and special you can tuck away in a pocket. Anything that is special to you, or even something you just like to look at or like the texture of. I like to use these as a reminder because having something physical that I can access at any point helps to calm me down and keep me from feeling overwhelmed. If I am uncomfortable and anxious in a situation, it tends to make it worse when I feel trapped and can't get out to get some air or escape to a bathroom at any point. Sometimes it comforts me just to have a token somewhere and attach affirmations, or positive thoughts to it. Before I go into the situation, I just take a minute to focus on what I am feeling anxious about and try and talk myself down from it, or come up with something to counter act it. If you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed later, just come back to whatever you're using and give yourself a chance to pause and think about your affirmation or take a deep breath.


If I am feeling insecure about how people are gendering or reading me, I usually try and focus on the fact that there are other things going on, and that I am probably the one who is paying the most attention to my gender/how I am presenting. Usually with children's events and meeting new people, I try and remind myself that a lot of people are focused on their kids, and whatever other activities are going on.

It also helps to have an ally, sometimes. If there is someone there, or going with you, that you feel comfortable telling that you are anxious, that might help. I usually tell my best friend that I am anxious beforehand, and during the situation, I will glare (jokingly) or make a silly face at her, and then she will reciprocate. It is like a non-verbal signal that I am anxious, and her doing it back helps to comfort me. It is still scary, and I am still anxious, but just knowing that someone else knows how I am feeling, and feeling supported during the situation helps make it easier for me. I like having something that is non-verbal because you don't have to be right next to the other person. You could really use whatever you wanted, it is just about finding something that works for you.

if you want to pm me, you can.
I hope you find something that works for you.
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