moon raver's before and after masterpost

[moon raver]

i hope the q's helped distract you moon raver. also it's really great that you are planning to do laundry and have a rest, i hope having something to do will help reduce the urges.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i think i would feel about the same. i don't really feel guilty for cutting, ever.

would you feel the same about the triggers and feelings you felt today if you si or not? it can help me to avoid si if i am convinced it won't change anything. although it is also helpful for me to try and recognise when si will help and hinder me in the short term. i don't think i would ever feel guilty either, but sometimes i would feel less hopeful the day after i si, or less able to make the sorts of positive choices that i want to make.

i could think about how much i hate long sleeves. it really doesn't change my feelings, but i've been doing it for 8 years. at this point it's an impulsive reaction to pain.

[moon raver]

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
•Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
Yes, I felt guilty about having sex with a guy (I felt guilty because I liked it, and called myself a whore)
•What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i went to the library
•Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
Yes, it got me away from the blades and out of my head
•How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
Next time i feel guilty about sex i will probably get out of the house, like i did today

[moon raver]

•have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, it was yesterday

•what had happened just before?
My grandma said she didn't know if she could pay for ged classes, and that id have to wait until tomorrow (today) at noon

•what were you thinking and feeling?
I thought it wasn't fair that I would have to wait.

•why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Nope. Just impulsive.

•how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

•were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Pms.

•what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't try any, it was impulsive

•in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Yeah. Making loom bracelets.

•name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I will snap a rubber band to remind myself to stop and think, and I will talk to someone

•how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is resolved. Now I feel better to wait.

•are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
No im not

•what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
making loom bracelets, scrapbooking, and bike riding.

[treasure]

do you use the same tools to si, moon raver? if so, to help with impulsivity, maybe you could wrap them in paper or put them near or under some work sheets, or things that remind you of coping activities?

*challenging*

it really doesn't change my feelings, but i've been doing it for 8 years. at this point it's an impulsive reaction to pain.

have things improved over that time, or got worse? what are the things causing you pain? if some or all of the triggers come from your own thinking, then it sounds like a vicious cycle where there is always a trigger and always si as a response (or almost always). do you want that to continue for the rest of your life?

[moon raver]

haven't posted here in a while. i'll post using tonight's SH

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yep, i have
what had happened just before?
i was just chillin after masturbating (nobody ever said this was a G rated thread) and i saw alcohol wipes, like i use when i SH to clean up with.
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt desperate to self harm, to feel the sting as the blade.... you know what it was just very romantic.
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
it's late. i was tired. in the future i'll just go to bed b/c nothing good ever happens after midnight
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i don't have my phone so i can't go on pinterest, because the house computer doesn't work w pinterest.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
going the fuck to sleep
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will just hop into bed and sleep. or, if i want to stay up, i will watch doctor who or something
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i feel pretty chill about it
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will feel the desperation to SH
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
watching doctor who
going on pinterest
going the fuck to sleep

[moon raver]

do you use the same tools to si, moon raver? if so, to help with impulsivity, maybe you could wrap them in paper or put them near or under some work sheets, or things that remind you of coping activities?
have things improved over that time, or got worse? what are the things causing you pain? if some or all of the triggers come from your own thinking, then it sounds like a vicious cycle where there is always a trigger and always si as a response (or almost always). do you want that to continue for the rest of your life?

i tried to put a lock on the box that holds my SH tools, and wearing the key on a pro recovery (orange) bracelet, but that didn't work, because i just moved the "hiding place" to another box that can't be locked, in my underwear drawer.
but i will put them under a workbook (when i get one) and promise to do a page, or i will print out some worksheets, and put the box under that. great idea!
and unfortunately, things have gotten worse since i started. ever increasingly worse.
i've tried to use a mindfulness technique where i sort all my thoughts into "piles", one for important thoughts, one for unimportant thoughts, and one for damaging thoughts. it hasn't worked when i SH but i will use that skill more often so it becomes a habit.

[moon raver]

I BEAT AN URGE!!!

After You Beat an Urge

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yesh
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i felt like i was going crazy, i felt inadequate because my grandpa used an ableist slur (psy**, used in the wrong context)
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i remembered that the goddess Brighid (i'm a wiccan, sue me hahah) would want me to take care of myself and i kept on making seaded bracelets.
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
yes. it was a struggle, but remembering my spirituality helped me deal with the feelings.
Why do I think they worked?
because She is watching out for me
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i can distract my mind

[treasure]

congrats moon raver
i'm glad your spirituality helped. do you have some routines around that, eg practicing a daily ritual, or could you start some?

[moon raver]

what had happened just before?
i was organizing the first aid box and was triggered by the self protective instinct
what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought about how well i take care of my wounds, whatever method of self harm i use and i wanted to do it again, do first aid on myself
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because the thought of my spirituality totally slipped my mind, earlier i used my religion to not self harm, and i wanted to earlier because it had been three days, it's been so long, and i thought to myself, "Brighid will protect me from myself and heal me" but this time i realized it's totally up to me. the goddess can't make me do anything
look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have put the stuff away and not organized the box just then
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i'm really tired i guess.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i didn't try any
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have put the stuff away and made rainbow loom bracelets
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will open up my book of shadows and light a candle for myself
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
yes, because i got rid of my personal first aid kit and integrated it into the family first aid kit, and i plan on getting rid of my tools tomorrow. pretty much the only reason i SHed this time is because i could. i'm getting rid of them tomorrow because i plan on doing a ritual to get rid of them, and thanking the goddess for the times that she has helped me overcome those feelings in the past, and pray for more in the future. basically i'm going to meditate on it.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, if i ever slip during my recovery, i will start to get anxious and "itchy" (if that makes sense)
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will make rainbow looms
i will go on tumblr
i will paint

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes i have, i took a shower
what had happened just before?
i was filling out the before questions when i decided to cut
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt overwhelmed because i'm finally home, longing for the stinging pain of the blade running across my smooth thigh and stomach and craving, fat
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
when i binged
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have not binged, or stopped when i felt myself getting out of control
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep and unbalanced eating (binged)
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried answering the before questions but in the middle of it i decided i missed answering the after questions and i cut
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have used self soothe or distract or radical acceptance (accepted binge and moved on)
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will post on my bulletin board or write on my whiteboard the distress tolerance skills
i will write it on my hand in sharpie
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved. i could reach out to somebody and tell them i cut and maybe talk it out with them.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, tonight and later on before night comes. i will recognize it because i would feel out of control while eating
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will play minecraft
i will talk to my girlfriend
i will go on tumblr

[moon raver]

do you use the same tools to si, moon raver? if so, to help with impulsivity, maybe you could wrap them in paper or put them near or under some work sheets, or things that remind you of coping activities?

*challenging*

it really doesn't change my feelings, but i've been doing it for 8 years. at this point it's an impulsive reaction to pain.

have things improved over that time, or got worse? what are the things causing you pain? if some or all of the triggers come from your own thinking, then it sounds like a vicious cycle where there is always a trigger and always si as a response (or almost always). do you want that to continue for the rest of your life?

idk if i replied to this or not, but just in case...
i have put my tools at the very top of my closet where i will have to go through boxes of crafts (also a coping skill) to get to them.
mostly from my own thinking, sometimes from memories of trauma.

[moon raver]

this one is from last night
⦁ have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, this was last night
⦁ what had happened just before?
i binged on peanut butter and marshmallow fluff and cheese and etc etc... and i felt fat
⦁ what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought that my diet was screwed and i'm a failure and i felt disappointed, ashamed, angry
⦁ why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because it was impulsive, it was right after i had binged
⦁ how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have told someone, reached out before self harming
⦁ were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep, unbalanced eating, intense emotions. i will go ot bed on time and eat more healthfully
⦁ what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did not try anything
⦁ in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have done crafts or tended to my plants
⦁ name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will snap a rubber band on my wrist and i will post my coping skills on my bulletin board
⦁ how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i still feel fat, so it has not been resolved. i will eat less and exercise from now on
⦁ are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, idk how i will handle it
⦁ what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
reaching out
journaling
drawing

⦁ What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
because i just got home and it's been so long since i've self harmed with my own tools
⦁ Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was there for the taking, everybody was asleep and i was quiet
⦁ What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i probably would have made an opportunity
⦁ If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
increased
⦁ What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
being alone, access to tools, right feeling
⦁ If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
probably "some type of way"

[moon raver]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
this situation or feeling will not change if i hurt myself
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring shame, and it will take away anxiety
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel proud of not cutting. it will get my farther away from that goal
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will only bring temporary relief, i would probably be tired when it's over and go to bed
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could go on tumblr or do school work
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i hurt myself i will feel anxious, like i have to hide what i did. if i do school work, i will feel more accomplished at having gotten something done and not hurting myself
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i can use self soothe b listening to music that i love
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i feel ashamed because 1) i'm fat and 2) last night i od'ed on laxatives and i feel ashamed for being so stupid
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i have felt shame before, just not for this particular reason. i always used to cut when i felt fat.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i will watch star trek and go on tumblr or do school work
How do I feel right now?
i feel anxious, ashamed, overwhelmed
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relief
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
relief
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i can deal with it better in the future by taking care of my body and not overdosing on laxatives
Do I need to hurt myself?
noperoo

[moon raver]

4-21-2015
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, i have
what had happened just before?
i was thinking about how fat i am and how much of a failure i am for eating today
what were you thinking and feeling?
thought: i'm a horrible person and i deserve to die, feeling: shame, guilt, self hate
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i ended up self harming then instead of another time because i felt overwhelmed by my feelings of shame
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i'm quite tired and unbalanced eating, intense emotions such as shame
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried journaling, but it only made me more angry at myself
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have used distract, done schoolwork
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will write on my hand
i will snap a rubber band
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it has not been resolved. i could take steps to exercise more to lose weight rather than restricting
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i am. i will recognize it when i feel desperate to eat and out of control when i eat
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
school work
journaling about something different
as weird as this may seem, masturbating. it's a good coping skill.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes i have
what had happened just before?
my mom was watching law and order svu, it was, unsurprisingly, an episode about rape
what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought i should have done something better when i was raped, it was my fault, i'm a worthless human being. those thoughts triggered a flashback
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
completely unrelated, but my mom said something and i took it to mean i was fat
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i took her comment the wrong way, and i let myself have flashbacks.
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep and unbalanced eating (eating too much)
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried drinking yummy coffee and taking a shower, i self harmed before my shower though
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, anything creative or self soothing
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will write coping skills on my hand
post coping skills on the fridge
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i feel ashamed. i feel like it is not resolved, and i could talk to my mom about how the tv show triggered me
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes. i will recognize it by a feeling of anxiety.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will try being creative, going on pinterest or tumblr, baking vegan brownies

[moon raver]

congrats moon raver
i'm glad your spirituality helped. do you have some routines around that, eg practicing a daily ritual, or could you start some?

hmmmmm, i could meditate daily, maybe twice a day (meditation is recommended for 20 mins per day, i can only do 10 at a time without getting fidgety)
i could pray into a flame
i could make small offerings of sage leaves to the goddess to ask for assistance with my recovery

[moon raver]

earlier today
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes
what had happened just before?
my grandmother and i were in an argument about seeing my mother at the hospital. earlier this morning i was feeling lightheaded and dizzy while visiting her and was brought down to the ER to get checked out. my grandma said i was "exaggerating", my mom said it was "for attention" and i was arguing with my grandmother because i wanted to see my mom to make sure she still loved me
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt rejected, hurt, disrespected, i thought it wasn't fair that i couldn't see my mother, i thought that it's not fair they're calling me a liar
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i was upset then
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
no final straw
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
change in meds, unbalanced eating (restricting)
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did not try other ways of coping
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have gone on buslist and left her alone, i could have done my makeup, i could have made a craft or art project, i could have eaten a healthy snack
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will write on my hand a reminder to use my dbt skills and i will ask my grandmother to let me know when i'm becoming emotionally dysregulated
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it has been resolved, i went to see my mother, she's fine, i even told her about a friend date i have on saturday and she is happy for me
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will notice when i start crying heavily and my voice gets high and i'm pretty much yelling "you don't love me" at the nearest person
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
writing in journal
cuddling the dog
doing my makeup

[moon raver]

last night's self harm
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, i have
what had happened just before?
i was touching and feeling my older cuts and was missing the feeling
what were you thinking and feeling?
i was thinking about thinspo and pro ana and how fat i was i felt overwhelmed
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
it was impulsive. i thought about doing it, then i did it.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i was in bed and i thought about self harm, then i did it.
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep and unbalanced eating (binge/restricting)
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did not try coping with these feelings
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have made bracelets or colored or gone on buslist
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will write it on my hand, i will draw a butterfly on my arm
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it has not been resolved, it has been made worse because now my family may see my cuts
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i will recognize it when i am feeling impulsive and overwhelmed
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
making crafts
writing in my journal/writing poetry or songs
blogging in my recovery blog

[moon raver]

yesterday's self harm
HEAVY EATING DISORDER THEMES
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes i have. i always make sure to take good care of them
what had happened just before?
i had binged because my blood sugar was very low and i panicked so i kind of just binged. i tried to purge but i couldn't bring myself to do it
what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought that my diet is failed and i'm a horrible person and i felt ashamed, embarrassed, upset, angry
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because nobody was home and i could do it in peace and quiet, there was an opportunity and it was impulsive, done in the heat of the moment
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have called a friend, messaged somebody on facebook who understands (my friend vicki, who is also bulimic and is recovering)
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
unbalanced eating (binged) and being off my meds (my mother hasn't gotten the prescription for my lithium yet, so i've been off it for about a week), low blood sugar
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
after i self harmed, i put on a nice dress, did my makeup, put on classical music, and colored.
before i self harmed i tried purging, which i realize is not a healthy way of coping, but it was an attempt at coping.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have done crafts, done the things i did after i SHed, before, i could have drank some tea and gone on buslist.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
write it on my hand
put my dbt diary card on the fridge
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it has been resolved because of the coping methods i used after i SHed
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will recognize it by the feelings of shame and guilt
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
making loom band charms
doing school work
drawing

[moon raver]

After You Beat an Urge
i beat an urge mother frakkers
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes, i wanted to SH because of a previous SH (yesterday), filling out the after questions for yesterday was triggering
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i felt overwhelmed for a second there, i felt kind of nostalgic
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i used mindfulness, i observed my urge, radicaly accepted it, and let it go
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
yes, because i did use my dbt skills
Why do I think they worked?
because mindfulness is a skill that works really well for me, that i need to work on more. radical acceptance is also a really good skill for me specifically, and i don['t work on it nearly enough. since i don't work on these skills enough, when i do, they work really well, ya feel bruh?
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i don't think i could have done better, i did really well.