Jem's Master B&A Thread

[Butterfly.]

I'm trying to use the questions as much as I can at the moment. SI is starting to take over again, and I'm trying to figure out what is behind that. And the other urges I'm getting to od and drink.

I figured it would be easier to put everything in one thread - I think its neater, and might be able to draw comparisons as time goes on.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  The urges will lessen. There really isn't anything to change - I just want to. I think it might be trying to keep feelings at bay, and stop them rising up again.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  Bring - numbness to an extent, it will help me keep it together
  Take away - the opportunity to feel things, to try and work through those feelings
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  There seems to be no hard and fast rule any more. It might be enough to do it just this once today, I might feel the need to do it again before I go to bed, I might only last an hour.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I can keep hanging around bus. Go play games on neopets. Stay out in the living areas with Mum now she is home, which will delay it at least. If I try and distract myself, the urges might not go away. Or I'll get (more) triggered by something.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  If I don't do anything - the feelings will be more intense, which will make everything feel worse tomorrow.
  If I do - it will take the edge off for a little while, and I'll be back in this same spot.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  The feelings are likely to be too intense. I don't know how to deal with them. The self-protective instinct is trying to find a way to stop them before they come back to the surface. The only way I know how is to SI. I need to find an alternative to give me space from the feelings.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  To prevent feelings from rising up. Feelings I can't cope with.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've tried journalling. I've been trying to distract myself. I'm going to try playing games, and I'm sitting out with Mum,
• How do I feel right now?
  Urgy, things starting to rise up, panicky
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain. Physical pain.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  After I'll feel some safe distance from feelings. The urges will subside for now. Tomorrow morning - probably urgy again.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I don't feel I have any other option at this stage.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

The feelings are likely to be too intense. I don't know how to deal with them. ... I need to find an alternative to give me space from the feelings.

what does too intense mean for you?

imagine a friend said something that upset you and being upset is a logical and expected reaction - how would you deal with intense feelings then? or would that also be an issue? what would be the ideal outcome for that situation, if you could react to feelings in a healthy way?

[Butterfly.]

what does too intense mean for you?

I get really overwhelmed by emotions/feelings. I find I label feelings as 'too intense' when its a very strong emotional reaction, or there are multiple feelings at once, or they build up. Any feelings that are too strong to suppress I would say are too intense.

imagine a friend said something that upset you and being upset is a logical and expected reaction - how would you deal with intense feelings then? or would that also be an issue? what would be the ideal outcome for that situation, if you could react to feelings in a healthy way?

It would be an issue. It can become a big issue. How I deal with them varies on what the reaction I have is.
If it makes me angry (the one and only emotion I can identify) I tend to shut down, go totally numb, and totally disconnect from myself. It's like a partial dissociation - I can still hear and respond, but I'm not really there.
If it upsets me in any other way, I usually suppress everything, and distance myself. I have been known to break down in tears, but its very rare. I generally will do that in private. Anything I suppress either gets bottled up until I explode, or if I can over ride my instinct to bury it, I'll attempt to work through it. It will start with writing about it (in my journal, in my place here on bus, or on scrap paper that can be later destroyed). Going on past experiences, when things have been said, trying to work through it often leads to me suppress it again or hurting myself.

The ideal outcome would be for me to be able to feel whatever it is I'm feeling, without freaking out or automatically suppressing it. Then being able to take those feelings, and able to work through them or express them some other way, a way that doesn't involve hurting myself.
I don't know what the ideal outcome would be in the case of a situation that made me angry. I don't understand anger, even though I know when I'm feeling it. I've never had anger healthily modelled to me. I still associate anger with being attacked and abused, as that was what almost always happened. I was the punch-bag and outlet for his anger.


I know emotions and feelings are a big trigger for me. Anything too overwhelming (which is most emotions for me), and I internalise it or bottle it up until I explode. And both of those lead to me wanting to take it out on myself.

I was trying to think back to the short periods when I would say I was well. During those times, feelings never seemed so strong then. I still internalised it, and bottled it up, but they didn't seem so intense. From what I can think of, I didn't have any specific outlets for emotions either...

[treasure]

The ideal outcome would be for me to be able to feel whatever it is I'm feeling, without freaking out or automatically suppressing it. Then being able to take those feelings, and able to work through them or express them some other way, a way that doesn't involve hurting myself.
I don't know what the ideal outcome would be in the case of a situation that made me angry.

i think it would look the same as what you said for other feelings. anger can be felt without freaking out or acting on it or suppressing it, and then worked through and/or expressed in a useful (and not abusive/self-harmful) way.

have you done cbt exercises before? i think they can help dial back the intensity of feelings by working on your thinking. it doesn't get rid of them or properly deal with them, but it can sometimes help you identify ways of doing that.

i journal a lot too, i think it's a really good way of expressing feelings, even intense ones. although i think sometimes expressing them there is a way for me to repress them somewhat, to pretend that the journal is the only expressing needed, i don't have to talk to other people or deal with the cause of my feelings.

thanks for replying, i hope you find b&a helpful

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  The urges will go away. I feel like I deserve to be hurt - and that will lessen. And all the underlying emotions will be relieved to an extent.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  Bring - a shift, possibly clearer thinking, no urge to fight
  Take away - nothing I can think of
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't want this (calorie discussions and food) to become a trigger. By giving into it, I could renforce behaviour, which will get me father away from helping myself and keeping this from being a trigger.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  It will probably last through the night. It will take the edge off and I should be able to wind down and go to sleep.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I could try sleeping without doing anything. It could lead to more frustration, but if I could sleep, the urge might pass. I can keep trying to keep myself distracted with the internet and chatting to a friend on fb, but I will need to get offline soon so I can try and go to bed.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  Hard to tell. The initial trigger won't be a problem, but the thoughts could still be there, and the emotions that have come up in relation to it all will quite possibly be there still. If I don't do anything now, I possibly will in the morning because things could still be there.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I mostly just want to shut the thoughts up and drown out the internal noise. I would love to go to bed listening to music, but iPod is dead. Sleep would shut the noise up, so if I can sleep I can get the best of both worlds - quieten my head and not hurt myself. But I could get frustrated trying to sleep with so much going on in my head, which would just lead me back to wanting to do something. I don't know what is best.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  To quieten the thoughts and noise in my head, which was triggered by a food and calorie related conversation earlier this evening. Which has set off a cascade effect of food to thoughts on myself to related thoughts about other and me.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've been talking to a friend over fb chat about it. It helped clarify why it was a trigger, but the urge hasn't gone away. I've been browsing (the safe side of) tumblr.
• How do I feel right now?
  Urgy, thoughts racing around my head, keyed up, anxious
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain. Physical pain. The hurt I think I deserve to feel
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Relief, release, quiet mind, punished as I should be. Tomorrow - probably nothing different.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I need to come up with a plan.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I don't know what else I can do to help me settle down.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Butterfly.]

Thanks bmw.

I do love that quote from Perks. It has resonated with me so much since I read the book.

[Butterfly.]

So, the one thing I've learnt so far.

Intense emotions* are a trigger. Almost every time I have been urgy lately, whether I've ended up posting here or not, strong emotions have been involved. The lesson in this: I need to find ways to help me handle my emotions better.
And the first step is learning to identify the emotions, learn what they all feel like both physical body sensations and emotionally feel like. Then I might be able to get strategies on how to handle each of them.

* I'm yet to experience a strong emotion on the happiness/excitement range. I don't know if that would trigger the urge or not. So far its only been sad/hurt/angry type emotions.

I was going to do the questions, because I'm really urgy, but then I realised that I can't answer any of the questions except to say its because of emotions. Which is basically the ultimate behind all of my posts so far.

[Butterfly.]

I'm dealing with both the urge to SI and the urge to drink myself stupid. I'm going to try and figure out both in one post.
Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  Bring - numbness to an extent, SI will bring a sense of control and a physical outlet for emotional pain
  Take away -
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  In the long run, it isn't going to matter how I coped.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  I don't know how long it will last. My guess is not very long. It will all still be there in the morning, and things will still be shit.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  Honestly, I don't think there is anything else I can do. I wish I could talk to someone about it all, but I feel like I'm wasting their time, being a nuisance, being whiny etc.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  If I drink, I'll possibly have a bit of a headache tomorrow. If I SI I probably won't feel any different.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want an outlet. A way to make the pain stop for a little while.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Emotions, blame
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Cried
• How do I feel right now?
  Shit. Sad I think. Pain.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  SI - pain, in control
  Drink - lightness in my mind and body. Numbness
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I don't know what else I can do. I need to make it stop, if only for a little while

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Butterfly.]

Questions to Answer After A Slip
Slips are chances to learn. You figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. So instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• Have you taken care of your physical wounds? If not, go do that now. We'll wait.
  Yes, all taken care of.
• What had happened just before?
  I have been thinking about it since I got out of Centerlink this morning. I've been so wound up, and anxious all morning. Just before, I was sitting in the lounge trying to stay off tumblr.
• What were you thinking and feeling?
  Thinking about SI. Still keyed up. Various other unnameable emotions.
• Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
  I had been thinking about it all morning, since I started trying to get ready to go out. I couldn't do it then, or I would be running behind my schedule. After being so worked up this morning, it had been on my mind a lot. When I came home, I tried to keep myself occupied and distracted, but I couldn't get it out of my mind. And there's part of me that didn't want to fight against the urge.
• How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
• Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
  I had to get up earlier than usual, and I yet again didn't sleep well. I am trying to improve my sleep again.
• What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
  I kept myself distracted when I first got home - unstacked the dishwasher, then rounded up the few dishes that weren't washed and put them in the empty dishwasher. Jumped on my computer and tried to distract myself there. Put music on thinking it might settle me a little bit. Nothing worked - SI was constantly on my mind through out all of it. I kept trying to use mindfulness and bring myself back to the moment, but nope.
• In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realise might have helped? What were they?
  Not really
• Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  I'm still a bit anxious, and it will build up again from here. I am still going out this afternoon, although my outfit is now settled on and I know what I'm doing a bit clearer. There is less outside factors affecting my plan/schedule for getting myself out the house again.
• Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  I'm still a bit in that place - keyed up and anxious. Although its no where near as bad as it was. I can easily recognise it, it is just a matter of trying to deal with it in a healthier way (and wanting to)
• What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
  I will try distraction again. Do some mindful breathing for 5 minutes. I can't think of a 3rd.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  Nothing specific.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  Bit of both. There was nothing to stop me.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  I would have made an opportunity.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  Increased
• What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? Having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  There's no hard and fast rule. If the emotions get too much, I will find or make an opportunity. But things that can become roadblocks - It tends to be where I am (I generally try not to do anything when I'm not at home), likelihood of interruption if someone is at home (which in this case there wasn't), intensity of emotion, how long since I last did anything (which can affect how much I feel I need to do it), etc.
• If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
  I would find it hard to believe that there would be something that will take away all my opportunities.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

hey Jem. was there something triggering anxiety for you this morning? or something from the previous day?

[Butterfly.]

Leaving the house was the major source of the anxiety. I find if I'm going out for a quick errand, I'm fine. But most of the time, I get fairly worked up about going out, and trying to pick clothes that I'm comfortable wearing (and what I feel okay in varies day-to-day, so I can no longer have a back up outfit like I used to, and even if I pick it the night before, I can wake up and fell horrible in it, and have to pick a new one). Plus at the time, I believed when I went into Centerlink I was going to have to wait ages, and then have to sit down to go through the forms I was lodging. And I didn't know how long that would take, which meant I didn't know how the rest of my day was going to play out and I couldn't plan a schedule like I usually do.

And yeah. Basically, I became an anxious mess over leaving the house.

And I thought it would wear off when I got home, because I had only had to walk in and walk out of Centerlink, I could plan the rest of my day to an approximate schedule. But I came home and couldn't settle down. And then I couldn't stop thinking about SI, which in the end made it too hard to fight.

[Butterfly.]

Trying to do this off my phone and failing..

Read through before questions and answered them in my head. Can't say it helped or gave me any clarity.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

I'm feeling mixed feelings - I'm both numb and feeling some pain. Is that even possible?
There's also the fact, I feel like doing it for the sake of doing it.

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  Feelings will change - I just don't know how.
  Situation - urges will be gone. And by doing it intentionally, I can avoid it building up and doing something rash and unplanned.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  Bring - some control, physical outlet.
  Take away - urges, future in-the-moment risks
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  *shrug*
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  I have no idea. It could be a while, it could be the morning. I think it will last a day or two though, if not more.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I've tried painting. I could try doing some meditation or do a card reading, or just shuffle my deck and pull one out to think about. It may take my mind off it. But I don't really want to do anything else - that is part of the problem tonight.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  I have a feeling that the urge will still be there, and all I would have done is delay it until the morning. Which will make me a little uncomfortable. I don't like SI-ing in the mornings, unless it is desperate/I definitely can't be caught. Mornings is when mum is most likely to try and talk to me and I won't be able to explain why I can't come exactly when she wants me.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want to just do it. I don't know what the self-protective instinct is telling me.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Cried
• How do I feel right now?
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

i think it is possible to feel in pain and numb at the same time. maybe that pain is still strong enough to be felt despite the numbness? or something.

brains take so many mental shortcuts and si-ing often involves a few. your (/my) thoughts and feelings can jump to si without knowing why, and the choice can be made to act on si thoughts without really knowing what led to it. one thing i've found helpful is pretend it was someone else doing those actions, and analyse what really happened. what went on during the previous day/night/week? were you hungry or tired? were there things you planned to do and didn't, or things worrying you? dealing with the facts, and what those facts usually mean in regards to feelings (like for me being around ppl usually means i'm anxious, going to work usually means i'm tired/sad/stressed). whether you feel it or not, figuring out what you might be feeling is at least some place to start, either to reduce that feeling, or deal with it better/earlier in the future.

[Butterfly.]

Okay so I started the before questions this morning, saved it as a draft because I had to go out there and then, and it couldn't wait. Which took away my opportunity, and the urge has subsided since then. So much to my own surprise...

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.

• Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
  I had started to, by doing the before questions, even though I didn't get to finish them/submit the post.
• If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
  I was incredibly anxious about having to go to an errand and deal with centrelink. My head was going around and around, and wouldn't stop. I needed things to quieten down and I needed an escape, even a temporary one, from the current thoughts/feelings. I knew SI wouldn't be a long term release, but an eye to a storm. I was also in a lot of physical pain.
• What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
  I didn't actually use any specific coping skills. Initially I had to get dressed because my cousin was probably calling in and I didn't want to still be in my pjs when she did, as I have been every other time lately. Once I was dressed, I was watching the time and knew I couldn't put the errand off any longer, and just had to go. I'm still not sure exactly how I made myself get into the car and go and do it.
• Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
  Not really. I didn't really use any coping skills exactly.
• If No - What coping skills got me through?
  I went driving (because I had to).
• Why do I think they worked?
  I don't know.
• How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
  At this point in time, I don't know. The head stuff comes and goes. I am going to address it with pdoc next time I see him (in a week and a half). I need to make an effort to do before questions - they help to give me insight and to think things through. I can possibly remember going for a drive can help me to clear my head and gets me out, which is sometimes what I could do with - the space - and driving forces me to focus on reality. Not always the safest option when I'm really distressed/extremely urgy or caught up in my head, but an option before it gets to that point.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  I'll feel something else. It will be a shift from the current thoughts and feelings.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel like I coped like a "normal person", but I am starting to think that is going to be impossible. I'm just going to have to cope however I possibly can.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  I have no idea. It could be a while, it could be the morning.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I could go clean the inside of my car. It's too overcast to wash it as well, but I could make a start. It will be physical work, so a bit of an outlet. And it will distract/delay, and if I'm lucky the urge will pass.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  If I hurt myself, I could very well want to do it again. And I don't particularly care if I do/don't. I currently don't experience the day after shame/anger-at-self. If I did the other thing, urges could be worse, but I could also feel like at least I tried to put off and do something else.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want to feel different. It's just a matter of how.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  There's a number of things going on at once. Most of them have been ongoing. I've been dealing with them however I can, and that often means using SI.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've been listening to music, varying between songs that reflect how I feel, and songs I love and sometimes make me feel good. I let myself cry, and cried a lot. I've done a bit of writing about stuff. I'm considering going to clean the inside of my car.
• How do I feel right now?
  I can't name the emotions (I am working on this though)
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain, release, something different. The pain will distract me from the inner chaos.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  After I usually feel a bit more relaxed, a little less wound up and a little less caught up in my head. I will probably go back to feeling how I am now in the morning.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know. I want to, and I can't see any other way to help these things pass. But I am hoping to at least delay it. Maybe the urge will be less strong, and I'll do less of it.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  It will reduce/stop urges. It will make me feel different. I don't know what I currently feel, besides my mood being incredibly low.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  Bring a shift.
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  I have no idea. Tomorrow morning, next week? The urges fluctuate.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I could go for a shower first. Although, si feels inevitable, and I'm not ready to start stopping/fighting strong urges.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  It generally has no impact on how I will feel tomorrow.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want to si. The urges are strong and screaming at me. I don't know what it is trying to tell me though. Nothing has happened, I haven't thought anything specific, there is nothing to set this off.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Strong urges.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I have faced strong urges before. I usually dealt with it by si-ing. When I was trying to stop, I used everything I had up my sleeve. But I'm not really ready to fight it/stop.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Nothing so far. Just sitting with it, and trying to delay. I can go for a shower. But really, I think I'm just putting off.
• How do I feel right now?
  I don't know. Urgy and low mood.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain, release
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Relief, lightness or numbness or both.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?

It feels like it, yes.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Butterfly.]

Before You Self-Harm
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

I've been urgey since last night. I managed to not do anything last night, but I don't know if I can again tonight. Urges have been really bad today.

• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  The urges will go away, at least for a while. It will release some pressure, release some feelings, prevent things building up to exploding point for the time being. I will be punished; not completely, but enough to shush my mind up for now. It will help me relax a bit.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  It bring calm, releif, a sense of control. Punishment. Pain I deserve.
  I don't know what it would take away.
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  ? Right now, I don't care the long run. I'm only considering getting through the next day, heck the next hour.
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  I have no idea. It can be so hit and miss with how long the relief lasts. It all depends on how much relief it brings without overdoing the si.
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I'm not sure what I can do. I could try taking something to help me relax, but it takes time to kick in (up to an hour) so I have to try and fight it until it kicks in enough, and I don't think I can.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  No.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've spent the day keeping myself distracted. Helping mum this morning, baking all afternoon. I've had a nice warm shower to try and relax. None of it has been of any help so far.
• How do I feel right now?
  Keyed up, urgy, hurt, angry, scared, lost, many more I can't name.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Pain. Nothing but pain.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Punished. Relief. Hopefully relaxed.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  No real stressor besides emotions. The reason for need to punish half can be avoided, half can not.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  It feels like it. I can't think straight.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

The reason for need to punish half can be avoided, half can not.

what are the resons you feel like you need punishment?

how did it go last night? are you ok?