Before... and After.

[Annybelly]

Before You Self-Harm-
Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. Look at it. Ask yourself:

How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
I would feel a lot calmer, and I wouldn't have graphic images plaguing my head. I'd feel more in control and the voices in my head would also stop. I'd be less afraid of bad things happening.

What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
It wouldn't bring a lot... peace, I guess, peace and calm and quiet. It wouldn't take away a lot, I don't have any established record of time without self-harm, I'm only here because I want to hurt myself more seriously than I've been hurting. I don't think it'd take anything away...

How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
Long term I'd like to be less reliant on a blade, long term I'd like to not want to do this to myself... I don't want to be doing this forever, I don't want to have voices in my head anymore. But hurting myself once, I don't think it really makes much difference. It's not going to get me closer, but I don't think one night of self-harming is going to get me further away. It's just when it builds up, but what's one day, really.

If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
The relief will last until tomorrow evening usually, maybe longer if I hurt badly enough. The afternoon if I don't hurt well enough. Then I'll hurt again. But if I don't hurt now... then I'll hurt tomorrow anyway so what's the difference?

What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
I could carry on watching TV, then go or read or something? I can think of distractions to delay hurting, but I don't know how to get rid of the urge. It doesn't go away until I hurt, it just builds.

How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
I'm not doing very well with these today. I'm a little bit scared to post it in case people get angry or something.
I'll be irritated if I hurt because I'll have injuries to deal with, but hurting is just life at the moment, so I won't be that fussed or bothered. If I do the other thing then I'll probably remain urgy and want to hurt tomorrow.

What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to hurt myself... I don't know what to do. I want to hurt myself, that's what my head says is the best thing to do. I feel small and ashamed to say that, but I don't know why.

Urges aren't necessarily the enemy. They happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. Remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer-

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Because I was talking about it with someone last night which sparked the urge to hurt more seriously. I hurt a lot at the moment because of the need for punishment and control. I feel like I'll be calmer and happier and more at peace.
And little things feel like they're signs that I should hurt. The TV's been turned over from what I wanted to watch so my main distraction's just gone. I feel like it's a sign because I'm bad and I should be hurting myself.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been wanting to hurt for these reasons for the past 2 months. I've hurt. I've felt better for 20 hours or so, then I'm super-urgy until I hurt again. It's life at the moment.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've been trying to avoid triggers like pro-self-harm content, I've done some school work & I've been doing various variations of the 15 minute thing- I can hurt once I've written these French questions; I can hurt once I've planned this set of questions; I can hurt when I finish the before questions... next it's I can hurt once I've showered. I can shower and shave my legs and generally prolong my time in the shower. I could paint my toenails. I could do some colouring, or a puzzle book or read... but they're all just distractions. It doesn't express the disgust and hatred I feel, it doesn't atone for my guilt and badness... it doesn't make the urge go away.

How do I feel right now?
Ashamed of myself because I feel like I'm doing these questions badly, scared I'll get into trouble, urgy.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relief, and probably frustration because it probably won't go exactly as I want it to, but a sense of peace too.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll be annoyed I gave in because it's more injuries to deal with, more scars, more inconvenience. I'll feel calmer and less urgy though, and tomorrow I won't be panicking or scared. It'll calm me down.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid the voices in my head because I don't know how to make them go away. I don't really know what to do with them because I don't function when I don't hurt myself. I can avoid getting into triggering conversations, I just need to say no rather than letting them continue and purposefully triggering myself with them.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't know. Logically, when I do the thing where I pretend I'm my youth leader and what she'd say no, I don't need to- I just want to. My head wise, yes, I do... if I don't then bad things will happen, the bus will crash or someone specific is going to die and I want those people to stay alive. I'll panic and embarrass myself with panicking in public and I won't done what I need to do. I don't know. Loud head.

[treasure]

I feel like I'm doing these questions badly

you are doing them really well you are figuring out what they mean to you, and hopefully they help, if only to distract a little more (or maybe to help you think).

is it ok to reply, to point out things i think are helpful, positive and memorable in your post?

[Annybelly]

bmw,
I hope it's okay to call you that, I saw it in your sig... I coped, although I coped by hurting myself in the end. I'm not sure how ready or willing to change I am right now, in the past when I've done the "before" questions they've been more useful for me and I've been able to avoid hurting myself more.
Thank you for the affirmation, it helps a lot

treasure,
Thank you, it helps to have that gentle encouragement
It's totally okay to reply if you're happy & willing to take the time to, I really appreciate replies if people want to offer them!

I'm tempted to do the after questions. I think I'll start them as a post in this thread, keep them open in this tab and see how far I progress.

[Annybelly]

Questions to Answer After A Slip

Slips are chances to learn. You figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. So instead of beating yourself up, take action.

Have you taken care of your physical wounds? If not, go do that now. We'll wait.
They're all good. Went shopping for the stuff I needed and all.

What had happened just before?
I'd showered and gone to bed... not a lot had happened really.

What were you thinking and feeling?
I was urgy and I wanted to hurt myself a lot because I wanted to see it.

Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
The whole 15 minute game variation of "I can hurt when..." faded, and I wanted to sleep but I was hugely urgy so I needed to hurt first.

How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
Okay, so there wasn't a final straw as such... but I needed to hurt so I could sleep. So I guess the decision I would've needed to make would've been to somehow get rid of my urge before I even got there. When I'm that urgy I probably need to actually talk to someone and actively do things... I could've sent F a text maybe.

Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
Nothing last night.

What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
I didn't really try other ways of coping because I don't have them for urges, not effective ones. Self hatred and need to self harm to a certain level... I don't know how to cope other than by hurting.

In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?
Not really... and that's the issue. Hurting is going to be an ongoing thing until I figure out something else.

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Erm. I might message someone and ask if they know what I should do when I want to hurt because of self hatred, voices in my head, urges to damage myself.

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No, it's not really resolved. The conversation which triggered me has ended but it'll resume at some point. I also still hate myself and want to damage myself, soooo... I don't know. I could message F. I've posted in place and stuff.

Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yeah, I am. I am now, like... it's not something I need to work to recognise, that bit I can do.

What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
I... I'll post somewhere on bus. I'll message someone if it's an appropriate time. I'll do some colouring, on paper or my body.

*presses pause and considers continuing tomorrow. If I don't I'll delete the unused questions for the moment*

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
If No - What coping skills got me through?
Why do I think they worked?
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?

[treasure]

i'm glad you're still posting anny. i'm sorry you gave in but at the same time it's ok, you are still making steps forward.

I would feel a lot calmer, and I wouldn't have graphic images plaguing my head. I'd feel more in control and the voices in my head would also stop. I'd be less afraid of bad things happening.

i think these are reasonable things to want and need and if si helps then it's a sensible reaction and a way of taking care of yourself, even if at the same time it is damaging.

so this:

What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to hurt myself... I don't know what to do. I want to hurt myself, that's what my head says is the best thing to do.

makes a lot of sense.

i find that statement - honour the self-protective instinct - to be pretty powerful. the self-care and self-protection you want/need (it sort of straddles some wants and some needs) is a good thing, and to honour that is to give yourself permission to need care and protection. there might be things other than si which help in that way, to get rid of the thoughts, images and feelings you are struggling with.

they're all just distractions. It doesn't express the disgust and hatred I feel, it doesn't atone for my guilt and badness

some activities might seem pointless, just a distraction, but they can add up to coping better, or they can help you cope better if done in a certain way. for example, having a shower or bath can be soothing, and a way of taking care of your body, but you could spend most of a shower criticising yourself mentally, or have the water too hot or cold to be comfortable.
the urge to si is not always for the same reason, and some things which help in some situations won't help in others.

feeling disgust, hatred, badness, these feelings sound like mentally you are thinking really negatively about yourself. talking to F, or getting feedback on bus or other places, might be a way to attack some of the thinking, and changing your thoughts can change your feelings. it might help to ask yourself, what is the evidence for that belief about yourself? is it a realistic or kind way to treat yourself?

if I don't then bad things will happen, the bus will crash or someone specific is going to die and I want those people to stay alive. I'll panic and embarrass myself with panicking in public and I won't done what I need to do.

have bad things happened if you didn't si, have you panicked? sometimes these fears are real, and sometimes they are exaggerated or unrealistic. one of the worst things about anxiety is that it happens when you think about the trigger or event, as well as happening after an actual trigger or event. if you are able to calm yourself (with breathing exercises, which are pretty effective) then maybe you can get through these feelings, and the reality, without anything bad happening.

I needed to hurt so I could sleep. So I guess the decision I would've needed to make would've been to somehow get rid of my urge before I even got there. When I'm that urgy I probably need to actually talk to someone and actively do things

that's a really positive thing to hear if you are aware of how you feel there are generally a few chances to shift the feelings before they become overwhelming. and talking to someone can be helpful no matter what you feel - whether you are feeling good, or bad, or almost overwhelmed or completely overwhelmed.

[Annybelly]

Thanks treasure, it's really appreciated!

I had a bit of a moment today where a post in PBH prompted me to think about the fact that I need to learn healthy coping mechanisms to replace the unhealthy ones I use, and that trying to stop the unhealthy ones is pointless until I have something with which I can replace them!
And also I do need to change my thought patterns, but that's going to be a slow process and I need ways to deal with my current thought processes as I attempt to do that, ways which don't reinforce my negative thinking patterns!

I think you're right, treasure, in that those activities can turn into a type of coping, definitely... I need to start collecting things which can help me cope when I'm faced with things.

I think negatively about myself, it's probably one of the biggest giants in my life, and I'm really struggling to overcome it, I have been for years. Part of me is quite defensive of it and reluctant to overcome it at all.
I mean, I'm someone who's pretty into critical thinking and evaluation and truth and questioning things instead of acceptance... but I really struggle to deal at all rationally with self-hatred.

If I don't hurt myself I know I'm more susceptible to panic, and panic attacks... and whilst I know how to breathe them through and stuff, it doesn't make them much more pleasant, and they're still something I want to avoid.
And yeah, times I've hurt myself or haven't hurt myself, and have gone contrary to my head in doing that, those times I can link with negative events which have happened. F says the events would've happened anyway and I just actively seek out those links when my head wants to. She might be right.

I think I really do need to get all my thoughts down on paper at some point, I'll probably email F... but right now I need to do some more schoolwork!