before

[roseleaf]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll feel like I've done the right thing... satisfied in some way.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring calmness and stability... something I know and am familiar with.
  It will take away... I don't know. I don't feel as though it will take anything away apart from the urges.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't know. I want to feel secure, I suppose. In the long run I suppose that hurting myself will take me further away from that, because I don't feel secure having cuts and scars all over my arms and legs.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will last for this evening... After that, I don't know how long it will last. And then I suppose I'll fight the urges all over again and probably end up giving in to them 'cos that's what I generally do.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could go straight to bed instead of hurting myself. That would be better for me as well. It will change things by meaning I get more sleep... After that, I dunno, I guess I fight the urges when they come back, 'cos they always do.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I'll feel stupid tomorrow if I've hurt myself, but also pleased and relieved because I did the right thing. If I do the other thing I'll be pleased with myself but also disappointed in myself because I didn't do it. It won't take the urges away.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

At the moment I really want to SI... I don't know why, though. I can't identify a particular feeling or incident that has led to me wanting to SI. It's like it's there all the time and it feels like the right thing to do.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I don't know. I really really don't. I've had the urges for a few days now. I think it might be something to do with not feeling secure but I'm not really sure... I've never understood what the reasons are that I want to SI since the first couple of months when it was all about stress, but it's not about that any more, I don't think.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I have been here before... usually I just SI because it's what I want to do. And it felt like the right thing to do and I felt better for it.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I had a long shower and shaved and did everything properly to try to look after myself and make myself feel better... I can just go to bed now instead of hurting myself.
• How do I feel right now?
  I feel low. I feel insecure. I feel frightened.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  I will feel huge relief and a feeling of rightness.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I'll feel a bit stupid afterwards... like why did I do that? Tomorrow morning it will probably feel right again. I like having the cuts there, and the scars when the cuts heal. It feels like the correct thing.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I don't know, because I don't know what the stressor is. It feels like it's just life, which can't really be avoided. I'm avoiding work already by not going.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I suppose not. I want to but I don't need to. I think I will just try to go to bed and not hurt myself.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

sometimes writing a before post, or in my place or journal, i close my eyes for a sec and try to identify what i'm feeling. it can be important to not act or think too much, to just let the feelings find their way into my consciousness, since moving or reading something can distract or block what i'm feeling. sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't, but stillness and quiet and being willing to let the feelings be there without pushing them away is usually a good thing.

also i name feelings like "sad", "frustrated" and if any of them feel at all plausible then i think some of that feeling is there, and a big mix of feelings is normal for me. often the feeling i can't identify is anger, because i don't think i deserve to be angry at something small or self-pitying, but every feeling has a place/reason even if the reason is not one you would expect or want.

in trying to reduce my si i told myself that i would si if the feeling was too hurtful and overwhelming, but that i had to let myself feel it first, it isn't helpful to si in preparation of feeling bad. feeling wrong, uncomfortable and like si is needed, that's probably a signal that you are feeling something, but try to let yourself feel it and/or express it, because pushing it away (esp using si to do so) is going to make the uncomfortable and urgy period more common and longer, without dealing with the underlying feelings. you can get through that discomfort, but even if you do si after a while, the longer you give yourself the better chance that the feelings will be identified and something can be done to help them.

[roseleaf]

Thanks treasure, that's really helpful. I'm so bad at identifying feelings, but I tried closing my eyes and being still for a few moments, and it made it a bit easier.

To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure if I want to reduce my SI. Sometimes I think I do, but there are times too when I just don't feel like I should. Not sure if that means I shouldn't really be posting here... I still find it helpful to be able to use the questions to think about why I want to SI, though...

[treasure]

i am struggling recently with whether i want to help myself or let urges have control. i don't think you have to stop si or even want to stop before trying out the before q's or some of the other help on bus (like the coping forum). it can help in lots of ways, so i'm glad you're posting.

[roseleaf]

Thanks treasure, that's really reassuring.