Boundaries are the limits - physical, emotional and mental - that we set in order to keep ourselves safe. Boundaries are essential in healthy relationships, as is our ability and willingness to communicate them clearly and honestly with each other.
Having healthy boundaries improves our self-esteem and self-confidence, showing respect to ourselves as well as to the people around us. It enables us to form healthier, happier and stronger relationships and to take responsibility for ourselves and feel more in control of our lives.
Setting boundaries can be hard, though, especially if we are "people pleasers" and are in the habit of putting other people's needs above our own. It can be difficult to speak up when we feel that a boundary is being crossed. We don't want to be "selfish", so we sometimes end up ignoring our needs and doing things for other people that might not be beneficial to our own well-being. In reality, we need to be somewhat "selfish" in order to have healthy personal boundaries. It's not helpful to anyone to always strive to please other people at our own expense. It only serves to build resentment and bitterness and, ultimately, damage relationships. Having weak personal boundaries also makes us more likely to overstep those of other people.
When setting personal boundaries, it is necessary to be able to identify the things that we find unacceptable so that we can let people know when they have crossed a line. We all have limits. We all have different levels of tolerance for different things. It's important to recognise our own limits so that we can communicate them to other people and make sure they are observed. We need to trust our feelings, be true to our needs and believe in ourselves, rather than allow other people to make decisions for us. We know ourselves best and we are the highest authority on what our needs, wants and values are. When we communicate our boundaries to other people, they should respect them; if they don't, we need to enforce them.
This can be hard to do when we fear confrontation and tend to "people please", but enforcing boundaries doesn't have to involve anger and arguments. It is possible to enforce boundaries without getting angry or making the other person angry. The key is to be assertive.
What is assertiveness?
Being assertive involves communicating our feelings clearly, asking for what we want and saying no when we're not comfortable with something. It isn't always easy and it takes practice to get it right. People who don't know how to be assertive might be either passive or aggressive. Neither of these is ideal.
- Passive people:
People who are passive tend to give into other people's demands at the expense of their own and find it hard to say no when they aren't comfortable with something. They find confrontation very hard to deal with and try to avoid it at all costs. They often feel unable to speak up when boundaries are overstepped. They are also likely to overstep boundaries themselves.
Aggressive people:
Aggressive people tend to put their own needs first at the expense of others. They often make decisions for other people and possibly use bully techniques to get their own way. They tend to lose their temper and continue arguing even when people have had enough and may resort to shouting, bad language and name-calling. They will openly criticise other people and find fault with ideas, opinions and behaviours that differ from their own. They will often use confrontation to get what they want and overstep boundaries.
Assertive people:
Assertive people consider both their own needs and the needs of other people. They are able to openly express themselves and be respectful in disagreements. They ask for help when they need it and are confident at making decisions. They are able to say no to things which they aren't comfortable with and they take responsibility for their own feelings, thoughts and behaviour. Assertive people are good at setting boundaries, enabling them to have healthy relationships.
It can be really difficult to be assertive and set boundaries in relationships, but these are skills which can be learned. With practice, we can become more assertive and learn how to maintain healthy boundaries, even when people try to push against them. There is a technique known as DESC which can help. It stands for Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences and it can be used to communicate assertively and enforce boundaries when they are at risk of being overstepped.
Describe: Describe the situation as completely and objectively as possible by sticking to the facts and avoiding judgemental statements.
Express: Express your feelings and thoughts about the situation calmly and clearly, describing how you feel and what you believe to be true. Use "I" instead of "you" wherever possible. Beginning sentences with "you" can sound accusatory and often makes people defensive and thus less inclined to listen to you and take into consideration what you want. Remember that people aren't mind readers! Don't expect them to know how you feel already. Explain it to them.
Specify: Specify clearly what it is that you want. Try not to beat around the bush; just ask. Again, remember that people aren't mind readers and you can't expect the them to know what you want if you don't tell them. Keep the emphasis on how you feel and what you want; avoid telling people what they "should" do.
Consequences: Specify the positive consequences of your needs/want being met (people are more likely to comply with your wishes if there is some benefit to them). Let people know the negative consequences of it not happening. Reward people for responding positively to your wishes as they will be more likely to do so again in the future.
- Describe: Describe the situation as completely and objectively as possible by sticking to the facts and avoiding judgemental statements.
- "I do most of the housework around here. This week, I have done all the washing and all the cooking."
- "I don't think it's fair that I'm doing most of the housework. I feel exhausted and angry because of it."
- "I would like us to share the housework equally. I would like us to take turns with jobs like washing and cooking."
- "If we share the housework, I will be less tired and irritable, and we will get along better."
- "Thank you for being so understanding and respecting my wishes. I really appreciate it."
- Describe: "This is the third time this month that you have asked me to lend you money. I've given you £50 so far."
Express: "I work hard to have enough money to live on and I can't really afford to keep lending it to you. When I give you money, I am out of pocket until you pay it back, and I have to wait to buy some of the things I want. As a result, I feel stressed and annoyed."
Specify: "I'm going to say no today. I would like you to try being more careful with money so you don't need to keep asking me to lend it to you."
Consequences: "If you learn to manage your finances better and don't keep asking me to lend you money, I will feel feel happier, and we can enjoy spending time together without anyone being out of pocket."
Reward: "Thank you for being so understanding and respecting my wishes. I really appreciate it."
Appear Confident: Standing tall with our shoulders back and making eye contact can help us to appear confident even if we aren't feeling it. Using a confident tone of voice and speaking clearly and calmly, avoiding the urge to whisper or look at the floor, shows that we are in control. We don't need to raise our voice. People are more likely to be responsive if we appear confident, but not aggressive. Stay mindful: It is important to remain focused on our objectives and not allow ourselves to be distracted or become sidetracked. This means ignoring any attempts to divert us such as verbal attacks, threats or changing the subject. Responding to these attempts allows the other person to take control of the situation. We keep control by continuing to focus on what it is that we want. If we need to, we could use the broken record technique, and calmly keep repeating ourselves. We don't have to keep changing what we say or how we say it; just saying the same thing again is all that is required. Negotiate: We need to remember the importance of give and take. Being open to alternatives - offering some of our own and also asking for suggestions - can help to find a compromise. We might consider reducing our request slightly without completely backing down. When saying no, we can keep saying no, but look for a solution that suits everyone. A technique that can be useful is "turning the tables" whereby we hand the problem over to the other person and ask them for alternative solutions.Remember that being assertive isn't easy and it can take a lot of practice to get it right. If we've been passive for a long time, it can be hard to develop the confidence to assert our needs and ask for what we want. Equally, if we've been quite aggressive in the past, it can be hard to keep the aggression under control and communicate what we need without getting angry or making the other person defensive. However, assertiveness skills can be learned and, if we work at it, anyone can use the DESC technique to set healthy boundaries and speak up when they are at risk of being overstepped.
