The hardest part of having Bipolar Disorder

[WalkingStick]

I'm going to be interviewed soon by one of my coworker's daughter for a paper she is writing on Bipolar disorder. I"m a little nervous because I have no idea what she's going to ask or how it's going to go. But it has made me think about the last 10 years of being diagnosed with it (and the 2 or 3 years prior to being diagnosed). Sometimes I think too much and it gets me into trouble, but I feel that thinking about when I'm stable it gives me clarity and helps for the times I am not stable.


I think the hardest part about having Bipolar is that I still have no way to cope with the emotions that i have no control over.

It's so hard when the depression strikes because it's hardly ever situational (isn't that a word? spell check is saying it isn't)... it just happens. So there is nothing to talk about. Nothing to change to fix a situation. It's nothing. It's just my brain deciding to be stupid. I know when it's happening. I can take a step back and observe the changes. But it doesn't make it better. It doesn't make it easier. And it still doesn't allow me to change how I feel.

So what did I used to do to cope? I turned to Cutting and Anorexia. And they helped so much in their own self destructive ways. They helped calm my mind. They helped me control something. They let me visualize the pain my brain was inflicting on me.

Well I managed to stop cutting after years of trying and many failed attempts. And I managed to recover from Anorexia after years of struggling, a month in the hospital, the support of my boyfriend (now husband), and eventually my love of endurance sports.

But I never found replacements. "Unhealthy" behaviors went away and were never replaced with "healthy" ones. I use quotations here because I still am not convinced that Cutting is bad. How is smoking socially accepted even though it causes lung cancer, but cutting, that only leaves scars and doesn't cause cancer, is socially shunned? I really don't get it. (sorry if that's an inappropriate thing to say on this board.. it's just my opinion)

All of this leaves me okay without Cutting and Anorexia during my stable times. When I'm stable I'm okay. I have no urges for those things.

But then I wake up and my brain decided to be stupid and make me depressed, anxious, and cause derealization (which is fucking mess up). And now I can't turn to Cutting (anorexia really isn't even an option/preference anymore, praise God). So what am I supposed to do? I have no release from the emotional pain anymore and it sucks.

That is the worst part of having Bipolar.

It takes away my control over my emotions and I have no other way to regain it. All I can do is wait until my brain decides to change its mind.

[Jamas]

I hope the interview goes well for you and for her.

I think the hardest part about having Bipolar is that I still have no way to cope with the emotions that i have no control over.

Yeah... I don't have a diagnosis of bipolar, but that's a really hard part of my situation, too.

I agree... sometimes it seems like nothing helps... I used to use cutting in the same way, and I only stopped (mostly, with a few slips) when I realized how it was affecting my partner...

I think it's fantastic that you have found endurance sports to help you!

Actually, I also believe that smoking is just as bad as cutting -- both leave permanent scars.

It takes away my control over my emotions and I have no other way to regain it. All I can do is wait until my brain decides to change its mind.

That sucks. I'm so sorry that's been going on with you. (*offers mint tea.* )

There are a few online tools to help with bipolar... there's an online "mood tracker" -- a daily chart, like a diary -- that helps to track and draw correlations between mood (as expressed through thoughts, feelings, behaviors, actions, etc.) and other variables in life, such as medication, diet, exercise, sleep, life/work stressors, etc. Some people find that helpful.

There is also a process one can do, called "Wellness & Recovery Action Planning," (here's a sample WRAP workbook) which allows a person to think of things that help them to feel better, that keep them feeling well when they are stable, and recognize their early warning signs to catch them and intervene early on.

I know it's hard to do... I wish you the best of luck with it all!

Jamas

[StarChild]

There is also a process one can do, called "Wellness & Recovery Action Planning," (here's a sample WRAP workbook) which allows a person to think of things that help them to feel better, that keep them feeling well when they are stable, and recognize their early warning signs to catch them and intervene early on.

I did WRAP several months ago while in treatment. I still use it, and it's hugely helpful for me. I've used it when my brain puts me in a crisis, and often it helps me reduce a "crisis" to an "issue," if that makes sense. It reduces my stress levels when I'm in crisis, too, because I'm following a plan that I made when I was well.

Some WRAP workbooks also let you write out your wishes in case you become so ill that others have to make decisions for you. I like this because this way, I know that even if I'm totally out of control, my wishes will be respected concerning where I'm hospitalized, where I get treatment, who's in charge, and so on.

It's a great way to take charge even when your mind seems to be working against you.

loki