I want to stop hurting myself because...

[SplinteredGirl]

some things i posted to my place last week

i dont want red scars.. im only just starting to deal with the fact my white raised scars will most likely be there forever.
Swimming.. while i dont mind my white scars showing around close friends, i dont want fresh marks or red marks to detour me from havfing a good time. i deserve to have a good time, right?
My boyfriend. i dont want to hide from him, and yet i dont want him to find out.
My mental health. for instance, last last time i Sied it didnt help at all. it brought back alot of scary thoughts and emotions i hadnt dealt with in a long time. while trying to escape bad feelings a brought a flood of feelings i felt i couldnt even deal with.
Confidence. i cant have confidence when i am SIing. It is highly linked ot self hatred ad often brings more of it.
There is never a good enough reason to punish yourself. (just try and remember that one.)
Depression. While at times it can be my security blaket, offering comfort and release, it can also contribute highly to the depression, and often exelerates it.. while this is hard to accept it is so... and i know by looking back how far and fast i can fall.. especially with SI involved.
Its a temporary solution. while i might feel better for... who knows 5 minutes, the night, a hour.. it will not fix wat is bothering me or my depression In The Long Run
Hurting others. If people close to me find out im hurting myself (again) it will hurt them (just as SU would hurt them A Lot..) ad i cant deal with that when im in a bad sate of mind. Guilt is not an emotion i deal with to greatly, and it just adds to all the weight i feel on my shoulders.
*sigh* disfiguring my body i suppose goes along with dislike of scars) I remember one time, my bf got really upset about my SI. He held my wrist and told me not to Disfigure my beautiful body. That one really hit home.. i think about that word sometimes, disfigure, i never thought about it that way before. That was around the time i started to hide SI on my legs, and he got really upset about me scaring my legs, and i havnt SIed my legs since.

[Stefani140]

I had to vote ambivalent. Because I do want to stop SI for good....sometimes. I don't like having scars and I don't want anymore. I don't like having to hide from people or justify myself to the people that already know. I don't like risking my safety every time I SI because I know that obviously something could always go wrong.

But at the same time, its the one mechanism I have that I always come running back to. It keeps me ok in the moment, and so I feel like I probably will always keep coming back to it no matter how many good reasons I have for stopping.

[capricorn]

I would like to stop SH for good. I know from personal experience the pain it causes friends/those who love you to see you SHing. It made me more unstable, with the guilt and shame I felt afterwards. Hiding it is a really nasty experience. And of course I believe "an it harm none do as ye will".

However the thought of never doing it again really ... scares me. Hence, ambivalent.

[Glockenspiel]

Wow. Amby is crushing.

I'd like for the situations that make my urges to SI to stop coming about, but I know that's not going to happen, so...

[NobodyToYou]

I posted "yes". But I suspect it is only because I am already several years past my last instance of SI that I could say it that clearly. I know when I was closer to it, I wanted to quit but wasn't sure I would have the strength to, so I probably would have been ambivalent then.

SI has never made my life better. For a while I thought it had... but when I look back overall, it made my life much much worse. The short term benefits (numbing out emotion) were far overpowered by the guilt, the increased depression, my loss of ability to cope in a healthy way, the emotions seemed to get stronger, etc. And then all the interpersonal things... isolation, fear, distrust, secrecy... the list could go on a long time.

SI was not my friend, ever. It never helped me. It never improved my life. And I never want to go back to it again.

I still have occasional urges and times when I want to SI. I haven't given in to those, but I know that the option is there and that someday I might give in... Deep down, I don't want to, but in a moment of emotional overload, it could happen. But I hope, and am trying to make it happen, that I am done with SI forever.

[Annybelly]

I didn't answer the poll. I didn't feel able to give a straight yes or no answer, or really commit to any answer at all.

Self harm has been my worst enemy. But it has been my best friend. It's always there, which in itself is a blessing and a curse. The urge doesn't leave me when I'm upset, it's still a method of coping, it won't abandon me, but is it a good method of coping? I've been told not, and believe it deep down.

idk. i want to stop, i dont want the scars (well any more of them anyhow), i dont like the lying. i dont like the feeling of letting people down.

but at the same time, i love self harming. its been my closest friend at times. i get such a sense of relief.

i guess im just verily confused.

[Glockenspiel]

I changed my vote to yes.

I feel so much better than when I voted the last time.

[elphie_the_green]

had to vote ambivalent. i remember it made my life hell, i remember i wanted to stop and that it was something bad. i can't remember why though. i like the pretty red lines i make on my arms; i wake up feeling slightly foolish the next day sometimes but then i only look at my arms and i'm pleased with how it looks. i only hide it because it is frowned upon, not becasue i don't like how it looks. if i don't do it, it feels like i am being kept from my best and dearest friend. the only thing i don't like about my SI at the moment is that i know my bf doesn't like it and my mother would kill me if she knew. she yells enough without knowing about that too. but as i'm sitting here, just the thought of how my arms look right now makes me smile like one who is insanely happy

[5th section]

The ayes have it

I certainly want to stop for good...I think I've got it in me, I think i have the willpower, or at least I hope so...
(I'm currently running at 7 months...I've been a year before & still slipped, so I'm not getting complacent, but at the same time I'm trying to remind myself that this is in my hands & I can hold out...)

[strmdncr]

Part of me wants to respond yes because I know that I'm supposed to be doing everything I can to "close off the exits" but the ambivalent group is closer. It doesn't quite fit either though because in my own mind being ambivalent means not really caring either way and I do care. I know that I don't want to si again but as NTY said, I know the possibility of it happening is there. Beyond that I've been in an extreme emotional situation after 18 months si free and given in because I couldn't figure out any other way of coping with the situation. So I'm not sure where I'd fit in all of that, it's kind of like a "yes but only if" kind of thinking.

[strmdncr]

Part of me wants to respond yes because I know that I'm supposed to be doing everything I can to "close off the exits" but the ambivalent group is closer. It doesn't quite fit either though because in my own mind being ambivalent means not really caring either way and I do care. I know that I don't want to si again but as NTY said, I know the possibility of it happening is there. Beyond that I've been in an extreme emotional situation after 18 months si free and given in because I couldn't figure out any other way of coping with the situation. So I'm not sure where I'd fit in all of that, it's kind of like a "yes but only if" kind of thinking.

[Niniane]

I do want to stop, since it causes a lot of trouble. The swimming pool is impossible, as well as short sleeves. Besides, there is always the fear of my family finding out or people at work (during this month, wouldn't be too bad if my father wasn't working in this place)/ at uni.

But, on the meantime I need it so much at some point that I just can't live without it. It's just too... scary to imagine leaving it, and I never succeeded anyway; I always had a relapse after 2 months at best.

So I guess that leaves me with the 'ambivalent' option.

[Stormy Llwellyn]

I'm tired of it and how it has ruled my life.

[PLAIN JANE]

I believe NTY said it best.
Si has never made my life better.

[secret_writer]

* My best friends - they are all hurt when I SI, and some of them have even self-harmed because of me.
* My crush - she doesn't know I like her, but she's one of my best friends and my crush on her gives me even more reason not to disappoint her.
* My future children - they shouldn't have a mother (biological or adoptive) who self-harms
* Swimming - I used to love it, now I'm just always super paranoid about my scars and cuts so I can't enjoy.
* My future career - I can't be a psychologist or a writer who can't even cope with her own problems.
* To inspire others - In order to this, you kind of have to be recovered.
* Scars - my current scars are almost all letters, words and names that can not be explained if spotted, this is why I really need to stop.