The last time I did SI was 4 or 5 weeks ago. Sometimes I just need a hug. Today is one of those days. Tonight I feel overwhelmed by the stress of my pending and escalating divorce as well as concerns regarding job security.
Here are the questions for "BEFORE".
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It won't. I will wake up to the same situation in the morning. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will undoubtedly make things worse. Divorce in progress - escalating the matter in the eyes of lawyers and a judge would be bad bad bad. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to think of this as one in a series of nights I have beat the urginess. Not hurting myself brings me closer to that goal. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Hurting myself while compelling at the moment is not the best option at the moment. However the urge remains. It will bring me some serenity tonight and I'll be able to sleep. I'll wake up tomorrow with the same problem I have now and the new problem of hiding the evidence of my SI. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am here - after several months of inactivity. Its a distraction. I may play a couple games with other members until my eyes glaze over in exhaustion. Then I will sleep. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel defeated and ashamed for giving into it. If I stick to my plan (such that it is), I will get through the night and feel better knowing I did not SI. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to turn off what I feel for the evening. I know this is avoidance. I know it is not coping. The best way to honor my self-protective instinct is to not SI because it will be used against me if discovered/discussed in court. That will affect me, that will affect my kids, and I can't let that happen.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Recent events in my personal life are not in my control. I cannot control what my ex does, I cannot control what he feels or what the kids feel. I can only attempt to control how I feel and what I do. SI is a component of that as I utilize it as a event that I can control. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Sure I've been here before. I distracted myself. Recreated the pain in a less damaging manner (rubber band snaps). I've similated the look of my method of SI with pens. Writing, blogging... today I screamed at the top of my lungs as I sat in my car at a light. I don't advise that - it didn't make me feel any better and I'm certain people in the neighboring cars were alarmed. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I spent time at my moms. I called my friend to talk about what is troubling me today. I am here. - How do I feel right now?
Anxious. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Shame combined with resignation. I will be calm and that overshadows the shame for the moment. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Immediately after, I will remain calm. I will feel focused. Tomorrow, I will feel stupid. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't see how I can avoid the stressor. I don't know how to step through the divorce without hitting landminds on the way. With regards to employment I can polish off my resume and start sending it out all over. - Do I need to hurt myself?
No.