write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I would have felt more "in control" at that time. I would have felt grounded, real, valid. I would have felt. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It would have brought that sharp feeling that I needed to snap out of my funk. In my mind, it would've made me feel less empty. It actually would've taken away any feelings of "fullness" I could've filled the emptiness with. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run, I want to feel. I've been numb for nearly a month now. I've felt cold and unreal, but no real human emotions, except panic. Hurting myself would've been a temporary solution -- I would've at least felt pain, just something tangible that I could say, "Okay, yes, I'm real, I can feel that now. Message received." - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It would've brought momentary relief. But it would've brought something, and I felt so desperate. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I chose to send my friend a message. I did not ask for help, but I did talk, and that was a step forward. I was planning on sweeping it under the carpet last night, but he's too smart for that. He sees right through me even though we're an hour's drive apart. It didn't help last night, and I knew he'd be thinking about me this morning -- I chose to send him a "good morning" message when I got out of bed, and by the time he responded I was in a panic. He was patient enough to sit with me. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I would've felt guilty. I probably wouldn't have had the presence of mind to do it in an inconspicuous spot -- I was just blindly urging and needing to feel something. I'm not past the urge, but I know that if I stay like this until tomorrow, or next week, I'll be pretty proud of myself. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Independent of the emptiness, I feel I need to hurt myself because I deserve to be in pain. Simple as that. I deserve to hurt. I don't know why and I can't justify it past that feeling that I need to be punished, maybe for hating myself? - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been here a lot recently. And I've been hurting myself to deal with it, and feeling amazing while it's happening. After the fact, not so amazing. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Last night I just put it off. All week I've been coping negatively, punishing myself with food and with sleeping aids. While they're not damaging to a "normal" person, and while I'm in denial about the damage I could cause myself, I am definitely consciously choosing these things with the intent of harming myself. Talking last night and especially today has definitely helped, and I haven't hurt myself yet. - How do I feel right now?
Right now I'm starting to crash. I didn't sleep last night, I didn't think I deserved to. I tired myself out when the storm rolled through and I worked myself into a panic. I don't feel good, but I suppose I'm bordering on "okay". - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Fantastic. Free. To actually be able to feel almost makes it all worth it. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I would feel guilty. Like I'd overindulged. If I'd have done it last night, I might have slept, but this morning I would've felt worse than ever. I probably would've done it again today in my panic, simply because I could. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know what's causing this right now. I could better deal with the storms, but they always seem to drive me into a panic and I can't even pull myself out from under the kitchen table to close the windows as the rain pours in. I should start dealing with it pre-emptively when I see the dark clouds coming and put myself in a safe frame of mind. - Do I need to hurt myself?
