Self-Punishment... please help

[WhereIsTheLove]

I just started therapy, and we have been talking about a lot of things that happened when I was little involving my mother. It was nothing horrific, but there are some painful memories that we were discussing. Anyway, a few days after leaving therapy each week I feel progressively worse. I feel like I need to punish myself for being upset with my mother, and for telling my T things that my family probably wouldn't have liked me to tell her. It is very uncomfortable, and lately I have been using SI as a punishment.

The difficulty is, I am finding some positive coping mechanisms, so I am better able to stop SI when I am doing it for tension relieving reasons. However, when I use it for punishment it seems harder. If I do other things it feels like I am being good to myself and evading punishment that I deserve. I know it is good to be kind to yourself, but when I am in punishment mode it doesn't seem like that is what I should be doing.

I am planning on talking to my T about this when I next see her, but that is over a week from now and I need some more ways to cope between now and then. I would appreciate your comments and suggestions. Thank you!

[guff]

I feel like I need to punish myself

The one thing that I can't help but wonder is why you need to punish yourself because you're upset and talking about personal things in a confidential environment.. Talking about things and getting emotional is perfectly normal in my mind.. Is that something you have explored with your T?

Coping mechanisms.. Not really my strong point.. When I was trying to give up cigarettes, I replaced them with a yoyo (as I'm sure everybody is sick of hearing about now). Helped me kick the habit pretty easily, because it would instantly take my mind of smoking. No idea if it would help you, but thought I'd throw it out there anyway..

Another option could be looking for "softer" punishment, i.e. something you don't like (so it doesn't feel like you're evading what you "deserve"), but something that isn't SI.. I'd imagine the kind of thing that would work for you would be very different for me.. But the one thing that springs to mind is I hate when coffee goes cold. So maybe only drinking cold coffee would be punishing enough? It'd certainly be hell for me anyway.. Sorry, probably sounds like nonsense..

I really hope somebody else with decent ideas posts.. Sorry I have no real words of wisdom..

[LoverlyLaurie]

hi. i'm really glad you're going to tell this to your T because he/she can help you get through that guilt. i think about 80 percent of the time i SI it's because of guilt. it's not really my guilt, but i feel like i take on others' guilt and make it my own, they may not even feel guilty about it but i feel like they should feel guilty and if i can't express to them how guilty they make me feel or how much i want them to understand that they should take responsibility for their own actions, i can't. it's not my place. and i can't change the past. i have a hard time dealing with the fact that it's their responsibility to own up to, not mine. i can only own up to my own shortcommings, not theirs.

you know better ways of coping, but if you don't realize that it's okay to be angry, then you will always feel guilt for your own feelings. feelings aren't right or wrong. they are how you feel. no matter how much you SI, you will still feel angry. try to let it out. let your T know you are angry and feel so guilty about it and that it is leading you to SI. maybe your T can help you confront your anger and your guilt so that you can cope with your feelings.

i really relate to what you said. i have such much guilt because i constantly thing my feelings are wrong and i feel guilty about it.

hope you feel better soon.

L

[strmdncr]

I feel like I need to punish myself

The one thing that I can't help but wonder is why you need to punish yourself because you're upset and talking about personal things in a confidential environment.. Talking about things and getting emotional is perfectly normal in my mind.. Is that something you have explored with your T?

What you say about this makes sense to me WhereIs. For myself I know that it's partially linked to beliefs that you don't talk about what happens in the family with outsiders and if/when you do you are betraying the family.
So doing that can trigger feelings of betraying the family and for myself also shame about what I either did or didn't do at the time of the past event that led to the particular outcomes.
If either of these things seem familiar WhereIs then please know you are not alone in feeling them, nor in feeling the need to punish yourself for sharing them. Attempting to do so for myself was and still is a strong trigger for si urges and dissociating.

One of the best things my T offered me as a way to deal with the feelings around it was to look at the situation in that we all have room to improve but I did the best I could with the skills I had at that time. Whether that will help you or not I don't know. I so far do not have any better coping skills as I still struggle with this myself and advoidance strategies linked to it.

It definitely seems like a good thing to bring up with your T because I don't see a T wanting to do things that will lead to you harming yourself. I wish you the best in finding a solution to this. If you wish to talk further feel free to pm me.

[NobodyToYou]

I kinda see two separate issues here (well, related, but not exactly the same... whatever).
One is the short term "I feel guilty and urgy, what do I do now?"
The other is the bigger picture issue of deciding for yourself what is and isn't ok and how to love your family while still facing their flaws.

I am pretty sure your T can help you work through the second part... it is hard to face dealing with family issues. I love my family and I think in general they are great, but there have been some areas that I had to work on that I know they contributed to the problems. It took me a while to be able to see and talk about those things without feeling like I was betraying my family or somehow ignoring all the good things. But reality is that they did a lot of things right and a few things wrong... both parts really are in there, and it is ok to notice and talk to your T about both parts. Uncomfortable, but ok.

As far as the immediate future, when you are still wanting to use some form of self punishment but not SI... I think choosing something that feels bad but is ultimately good for you or others may be the way to go. For me, the easy answer is exercise... it is "good for me" but NOT something I enjoy. It feels like a punishment, but it isn't harming me (although it might hurt a bit). The idea someone else had about cold coffee is something similar...cold coffee isn't destructive or harmful to you, but it sure isn't comfortable or enjoyable either. If you can find options like that, that aren't harmful but are something you don't like, those are probably the way to go until you have the time and energy to work on the underlying issues.