Trying to get closure (more advice needed...)

[longlost-hope]

Hey guys, I was just wondering if you could maybe read my idea and tell me if you think it's a good idea or not and maybe bring to light obvious pros and cons... And if you have ever done it as well.

So I've been writing around BUS being a bit confused and maybe even contradicting myself. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm not, then I'm confused, then I'm happy...

I think I'm at a stage where I'm ready to move on from this 'chapter' of my life. I know that sh will probably always been on my mind or I'll be reminded of stuff and it'll be tough but I want 11/12 months of each year to be happy and not disasterously awful.

Over the last 7 months I've been 'happy':

1. I've not contemplated sh
2. I've not even thought "I really really really want to do it now... I don't care anymore."
3. I have gone through some stressful times, sad times and not once had sh crossed my mind as a method of coping.
4. I now do what might seem like mundane things, cross word puzzles, reading, making cards, writing letters, frequently so that these have now become the norm and Im not sitting around the house feeling bad...

The problem is that I'm scared of accepting that I no longer need sh to cope and that I have other ways of coping. I'm finding it hard to say to my friends "I'm really happy " because I'm scared they'll think that that's sh over and done with and it'll never ever come up again. I feel attached to it but I know it's not helpful anymore.

So my idea is that I write a letter to one of my friends who has helped me a lot through all of the sh stuff. A letter declaring how I felt about sh, how I feel about it now and what I want from it now... A letter basically just explaining it all and getting it all off my chest one last time. I suggested it to him and he asked me what I wanted him to do once he had read it and I said nothing, unless you feel there's something important that you have to say. It's meant to be a letter of closure rather than opening up new things.

With my other friend, the one I can talk to face to face, I want to have a long chat about sh and just say it all... It'll be hard but I think it's necessary.

i just think if I say all the things that I think about sh right now, how I regard it, what scares me, how much I want to move on and not have it bothering me, then I will feel like I can move on...

So the floor is now open to advice, suggestions and so on....

[NobodyToYou]

I think it is a reasonable idea... but what I actually hear sounds like 2 ideas rolled up into one.
One is a letter to write out how you now view self harm.
The other is a letter to let your friends know that even though things are better, you are scared to admit it because you are afraid they will go bad again and the help and support won't be there anymore.

I could be wrong...but I suspect that the part for your closure is going to be a bit different from what your friends need to know. If you write a letter that covers both, there is no problem.
But if there is something you need your friends to understand (that you might need support, even if the self harm is over, for example), then it needs to be addressed to them directly, so that they know how to respond and so your message is clear.

Also... I don't know if this happens to you, but for me, if I write or tell something really personal, I get very nervous afterwards about what I have told the person and I want to know what they are thinking about me, how they are taking it, etc. If you may need reassurance about stuff like that after he reads this letter, it is probably a good idea to warn him of that ahead of time, so that he doesn't accidentally do something that would make you feel worse (like not answering his phone after reading it, or something like that).

I do think it is a big step to kind of "let go" of using SI as a support and think about life without it. It can be scary to admit that things are better, because that leaves the possibility that they might get worse again. But your friends aren't supporting you because you SI...they support you because they like you. And I don't think that is going to stop simply because a harmful behavior stops. The key is being able to communicate when you need something from them, since the SI is no longer going to be the "warning sign" that you need something. But I think you can make the transition and I hope you find the "life after" part very satisfying.

[longlost-hope]

Thanks, I like how you seem to have popped into my brain, lifted up a stone and said "Look here, this is what you mean too!"

I am terrified that one day, say six months down the line I'll mess up really badly in terms of sh and need my two friends and I'm scared it'll look more like a cry for attention because we're not talking as much. And I told one of my friends that, and he said that he would be there for me. I guess I just need to know that they're not going to forget that I used to sh and realise that even if I manage 1 year without doing it, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm any stronger...