Things Left Unsaid *LA*

[elected_princess]

A- i hate you for breaking ma heart and i hate u even more because i don't hate you and i can't live without you.

[DiamondHeart]

M: If you want to know something about me, consider ASKING me first before you start reading my things. If you are that fucking concerned, it should be easy to muster up the nerve to ask me about whatever's on your mind. Do not read my journals, my websites, or my IMs with my friends! Snooping around in my stuff is not communication- IT'S SNOOPING and I feel very annoyed when you do it. If you feel that I don't talk to you enough, then YOU need talk to ME. I'll be very honest- I am not going to go out of my way to talk to you about things like my SI. You wanna know, ask. I'll tell you anything you want to know, provided you don't act like the stupid jackass you usually do when you inquire about it.

B: I know you read through my IMs with K. May I ask what in the world prompted you to do so? I had no idea you were even aware she existed. I found the Word doc that had our IMs saved into your folder when I did a search for them. I did something very wrong and started snooping around yours and M's stuff in retaliation and I found the email you sent him about a month ago. In reponse to it:
I am not my mother. I am no where near that manipulative, that deceitful, that cruel. I am very sorry you view me that way and also very hurt you feel that I am that disturbed, but didn't feel you could confront me about it. My asking to please be at least informed when you were going to have one of your patented scream fests was out of sheer fright. It was similar to a time I remember you talking to M about how him drinking reminded you of B. It just reminded me of the absolute worst time in my life and I am sorry that it makes me so terrified. I am doing my best to deal with that and please, all I ask is that you cater to that by just going outside or asking me to leave or something. Anything. That was one of the few times I can remember that I asked you to even change something for me. If there have been others you remember, I apologize.
I do go for days without SI. Weeks. My best record yet is six weeks. I didn't do it alone- I did it with my friends that you so despreatly disapprove of. I'm sorry, but I am not about to give up the one thing that truly helps me when I am triggered. I live with this alone. I can count on one hand the number of times I have bothered you or M about this. When you feel that you could live what I have lived through, deal with the things I have to deal with, beaten an addiction with no adequate professional help, and maintained a B average, you can judge me. I've forced myself to ride through panic attacks that would ice your blood. I've had to lie in my bed crying so hard I can't breathe, unable to touch myself because if I do I'm afraid I'll SI. How long were you smoking before you could quit? How much does M still smoke a day? Just remember this the next time you criticize me because of my SI- I have never had to walk out on dinner with my family to feed my addiction.
I do not like to talk to you about this. I think it makes you upset and doesn't really help anybody. If YOU WANT TO, I will. I just didn't want to risk it before.
There were some things I wanted to hear, things I wanted you to do. I didn't verbalize them, which was kinda stupid now that I think of it, but it hurt that you didn't realize how much I needed to hear things like, "We're not ashamed of you." or "It's okay. You can do it." or "We're not mad at you for not stopping sooner." (Repeat: We aren't ashamed of you.) I hate how you sound when I try to bring it up. Like, "I'm trying really hard not to either scream or break down crying, so I'm going to grit my teeth together and sound like I'm about to burst into flames and shoot poisoned arrows from my eye sockets."
I never thought until now that you and M might have misconceptions about my SI.
As far as emotional blackmail goes: If you think I am blackmailing you, honey, you don't know the definition of it. Blackmail is not, "Can you please not do that around me because I feel upset when you do?", it is, "Buy me a mazda miata or I'll slit my wrists on the spot."
You get full credit for the chores thing. I admit I am lax to the point of no return about that. But Matthew did the same thing, and I don't recall anyone calling him manipulative. He was lazy. I'm lazy. There's a difference between, "Man, I don't wanna vaccum" and "Hey, if I don't vaccum it's ok because I can pretend to be upset and freak everyone out so they'll be too scared that I'm going to go play with sharp objects to say anything!"
And I don't ask you for anything because I'm scared to death of you. Please just shut up about me manipulating M with my "please daddy please" thing. I'm joking. Just...shut it. It's old. It's dead. It is decaying in a maggot infested septic tank. It's a game. He doesn't mind it, or he would tell me to stop. I'm 15 and skinny- I can't be that hard to stand up to. I have never been so crushed that I didn't get to go to Bookstop that I SIed. Please. I am not that petty.

~Diamond~

[kcat]

dad...all my life I have tried to get you to love me. You have largely ignored me all my life...except to criticize. When you found out about M. you said you DON'T BELEIVE ME. oh sorry, you said, "I don't see how that could POSSIBLY have happened the way you say." So after 12 years of silence I tell you about my childhood and YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME...just love me and if not then fuck off.

mom...you are the only reason I don't kill myself.

K...you are the most cold, thoughtless, dead-inside person I have ever known. And please stop telling me "I don't want to get better, or else I would." You should start with yourself, you manipulative, evil bitch.

A...thank you for being there and loving me unconditionally

M...no words can suffice. You took away my life from me. Every day spent with you in our grandfather's basement I died a little more, and you know what? I never stopped dying since then. I hope sincerely that you are suffering now as much as possible.

S...you are a superficial bitch and I hope YOU need a friend one day and find yourself like I did...WITHOUT one.

WOW, this makes you feel so much better!

[Chimera]

J: How dare you tell me to "Get over it" when I confided having suicidal feelings to you! I told you because I trusted you and thought you should know how I was really doing. I didn't tell you because I wanted to get the old pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps routine. I'm doing the best I can, dammit. I needed you to listen and hold me and you made me feel like a piece of shit instead. Thanks ever so much. Now I don't feel like I can tell you anything, which makes me feel even more alone, which makes me wish I were dead...I should have kept my damn mouth shut.

[Adrienne]

B - i thought I could trust you and i can't. ooh, what a big surprise that is. Why don't you just go back to hating me, it's so easy for you isn't it? and you know you love your life to be easy, at everyone else's fucking expense. why not send me another of your bitchy little text messages and get your screwed up feelings out in the open?

my mother - shut up. shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I can cope ... no wait, i can't ... but i don't need you to sort anything out for me. and for the record, he's just a friend, just a fucking friend, and a pretty crap one at that. and having condoms in my top drawer does not make me a slut. Get over yourself.

him, The Bastard Of All Time Whom The World Should Hate - i fucking hate you, i hate you i hate you, you bastard. why the fuck do you think i'm so worthless that you can do all this shit to me. Why are you screwing my life up at the worst possible time, and why are you making me do things to myself that you can't even imagine? why do you make me love you so much? when you're not even worth loving.

[Twilit_Star]

Dad-
if you don't want me, just tell me, i'll be glad to go.
like i don't do enough damage to myself, i need your help!
go ahead add it to the list of screw ups, but be caresul you are lible to run out of room on the page soon
if you scream at me every time i leave my room of course i will haul up in here! it is a learned behavior for G-d sakes!
it's not my fault i was born it was your f*cking spirm that put me here!
this is not all about you! it is all about me! THIS IS ABOUT ME, NOT YOU, ME!

Mom-
no you don't know. you don't get it. you don't understand. are you the one up here ripping at your skin all the time? do you even know why i do it? and yet you understand. HOW? tell me how you understand even a fraction of this?
i love you so much. thanks for trying, thanks for worrying. i'm sorry i'm not worth it.

My Therapist-
i was ready to be honest with you! i was ready to trust you. i would have told you the stuff that was going on in my life. but instead i have to go through it all alone because i said that i was triggered. i didn't say i was going to do anything i just said i was triggered. you think that some law was an excuse? well i researched that law. i did the homework and the law was about being a danger to yourself. i was not a danger to myself.
self-mutilation! how can you bear to be so uneducated. you can't even agnolage that it is a coping mechanism just to shut me up?! WHY THE HELL NOT?! it is a coping mechanism. how can you bare to be a therapist and be so uneducated?

G-d
if you could just explain i would be so grateful. you must have a point to all this but i'm just not seeing what it is and maybe if i could that would help me to understand why i have to go through this.

R-
be okay. please be okay. be okay for me. be okay for you! what you are doing is so unhealthy. i know you have trouble seeing it that way but that's how it is. you can't keep this up, you are already starting to break, and if you do we both go down. i seriously can't survive without you. at least just talk to me. stop shutting me out! let me help you. all i want to do is to help you. i know you are sick again. you can't hide it from me and it hurts like hell that you are trying to. i just want to be there for you, can't you see?

pdoc-
could you maybe look past what i'm saying and see what i'm feeling? maybe forcing me into something would be beneficial. i am too scared to decide anything on my own. i need someone to choose for me.

Mrs. D and Mr. F. Mr. V and especially Mrs. G.-
i really really like you. i wish you would see the kid who is hurting and having trouble, the kid that hasn't slept in two months and cares about your opinion so much it hurts rather than the honors kid who is slacking off and falling asleep in class. i wish i could show you the scars without having to face the consequences of doing that.

S-
i look up to you cause you survive.

D-
you are so oblivious. sweet, well meaning, but oblivious.

S-
please i can't take any more bad news right now. i just can't listen to it. can't you just put it in your pocket till tomorrow when i am ready to face the world again?

L-
i would tell you, but you wouldn't get it, and even if you did i would regret it later. sorry, you know i like you a lot, but that's just the truth.

A + S-
Ugh! you are so irritating! why can't you all just bug off!

S-
you are so wrapped up in yourself you don't even know i exist. and yet you care what i think. . .why?

A-
i look up to you so much. you'll probably laugh at me or think i'm nuts, but i really do. it is almost admiration. i would kill to be concidered one of your friends.

S-
i thought i loved you. i was wrong. but it has nothing to do with you. i'm just mixed up. please don't hate me, even though i deserve it.

The World-
i'm just mixed up, can you maybe just accept that for a while and go pick on someone else until i collect myself a bit?


wow. i feel so much better now! thanks.
brilliant idea for a post by the way.

love
twilit

[double_agent15]

W- *sigh* You think you know what is really going on. You think that everything is fine and wonderful. Especially compared to last year. And then to top all of that off you are leaving me. As per usual anyone who I trust leaves.... It's a fucking unwritten rule. And I'm sick of it. And no one really seems to get why I am so upset that I am leaving. Alicia says "Oh just ask her for her e-mail" No one seems to get that I am fucking SHY!! No it would never appear that way W would NEVER think so. But I am. The second I feel like I am doing something out of place or out of line I get so worried and so stressed........... Oh but I can just go in there and MAGICALLY ask her for her e-mail. Jeez..... this was the person who I admired from afar for a month before I could even do more than put my hand up in class and even then I still couldn't talk. So then actually trusting you was a HUGE deal and I guess I'd like to think that you know something is wrong. That you could at least pick up on something. But then again I'm sure you have, but you probably put it all down on me being worried about Alicia.... well guess what it isn't Alicia I'm worried about..... it's me!!!!!!!!!! But hey I guess it would be asking too much for you to see that..... Do you know how tempted I am to come into class with cuts all over my body? Unfortunitely I know that you would have to react to that and not actually be able to respect that I am trying to get help. *sigh* I just want you to validate that something is wrong and that I am hurting and that everything isn't wonderful. I would just once would like you to be serious and ask me if I am okay, even if I lie to you and say yes, at least I know you care. GRRR It is so annoying in my head I know all the reasons. I know every last one, but getting myself to believe them..... I never could.
M- Don't even let me get started. I have already enough that I could never say to you. I just want to say I hate you and I hope one day you realize that it is your fault that I am so fucked up
C- I'm trying, you are too. Don't get so upset if I fall. I'm dissappointed enough and we both know that I will get back up. I know that one day I will be able to do this, I'm just not so sure which one day it will be. You are doing amazing, you are doing a better job of it than I ever could and hopefully not killing yourself with it in the process, if you need your space tell me. I can live with you being away so if it gets too much for you tell me. I will understand. I will not break if you drop me.... and even if I do I can put myself back together. Enough people have dropped me I know how to fix myself now
I- Email me back already!!!!!!!!! For christs sakes just let me know that you are alive. It's been a year. I really didn't think that I was asking for too much when I said "can you e-mail me back to show me that you got it and A) I had the right address and B) That after hearing who I am you are still okay, I have a freaking guilt complex about sharing. Is it asking too much to know that you are okay after reading it so that I don't have to feel guilty. Comeon, it took so much for me to share that, the least you could do is say "I got your e-mail" I really don't care how hard it is for you to talk about the SI.... you don't have to........ just tell me you have heard what I was trying to tell you.... it's really not that hard
A- Don't be afraid to ask me if I am okay.... You've been in the mother's shoes, you know what it is like to watch something like this.

[Guest]

F- I hate you so much!! How can you leave me, when I need you so much?? Nothing but lies..except now when you say I should leave you alone and you don't even like me!!! Hate you!

Myself- I hate you, because you still love F underneath the hate.

C- How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend..I loved you so much. Thought you would never betray me..but you did..

[no_angel]

Mom: Please stop asking questions. I just wanted you to know the truth, and now I feel like I have to lie again. I don't want to go into details, I don't want to show you...I just wanted you to know...

Dad: You haven't said a single word to me. Do you think that if you ignore this it will go away? It's not your fault, please stop blaming yourself.

Alan: You are the greatest friend. I hate to think where I would be without you. Thankyou for listening, for understanding, and for always being there for me.

Matt: I don't understand why you hurt me. Why? Why are you afraid of me? What changed so drastically that one day I was good enough for you and the next day I wasn't? Why can't things be easy? Why can't we go back to the way we were? Do you really love her more than me? Or is she just easier to handle because she's "normal"? Does she make you happy? You don't seem happy. If you were really happy then you wouldn't turn to me. But if she does make you happy then I'll leave and not look back. But you have me tied around your finger and your grip is tight. Please...I beg of you...either let me go, or hold me close and tell me that you love me and that things will be different from now on. I can't take any more of this. I hate you...but I also love you. Please don't hurt me anymore.

[double_agent15]

W: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!!!!!!!!! Either you are worried about me or you aren't, just don't go and tell Clare one thing and then when I react to it tell me that it is just a rumour. It wasn't a rumour...... Clare KNOWS what she heard and you asking about me after that comment that I made, that was actually made for that specific purpose. I thought that I wouldn't have to lie to you any more..... no more being the double agent with two lives, at least not around you. I could "be who I was and say what I felt" as my shirt says........ You matter to me...... you matter to me a lot, and I want you to mind what I am doing to myself... I want you to be worried because maybe it will take someone who I care about that much worrying about me to get me to stop and to give me the strength to. If I can't do it for myself then at least maybe I could do it for someone. But treating me like I was the one that was crazy today when I went in to talk to you to specifically ask you what was going on and give you that letter that was so hard for me to write. You have no idea what that took and how hard that was for me. I wanted SO much to have you understand. To get the year to end properly, so that I wouldn't have to hide. I'm so sick, oh so sick of being the damn double agent. I'm sick of hiding everything. At least from you. I don't care about the scars, I can look past them, I keep them covered in your class so that I don't hurt you. Stupid as that may be it is the truth. I just want you to care. I know you do. More than I will probably know. As you said earlier this year to me "If I make fun of you it is because I love you" I really do hope that I will be one of the people that you'll remember...... I know that I will always remember all the fun times that happened with the witch...... you made this year so amazing for me when it had such the potential to bomb and make everything fall flat on my face and screwed up and without you I would have gotten depressed, but it was so damn hard to stay upset in your class. You have made me smile and laugh at least once everyday this year, and to me that is SO invaluable you have no idea...... without even knowing it you have probably been the one thing that has saved me the most, just by being exactly who you are. I just wish that for once you wouldn't be so scared of the things that you don't know...... I'm inviting you to a chance that SO few get, a chance to walk around inside my head where I say nevermind the consequences to this, it is more important to me that you understand. I'm more than prepared to deal with the consequences..... accept that and take advantage of this..... before it is gone...... because I really don't know what I am going to do without you next year..... it's going to hurt so damn much I don't even know where to start......

[Ysilne]

S - Won't you stop it ! I hate talking with you now, I hate hearing what you say, again and again. Always the same. You refuse to talk about real life. Only games, roleplaying or computers... And how can you say I'm as responsible as you for the time we were together and the way it ended ? I stopped SI, I accepted everything you did to me... And you kept asking for sex when you knew about the abuse I've been through. Each time I came, the house was dirty, and I didn't complain, I washed your dishes. Each time I wanted to see you, you were busy on the computer, or you just wanted to be alone. We never went anywhere, did nothing together. You just wanted sex, all the rest, you said I had to make friends, not to ask you.
And when your gf cries, you're supposed to comfort her, not yell at her and break things because you can't calm down.
I don't think I've forgiven you yet. I know I've left you 1 year and 1/2 ago, but even now it affects me too much. I'm scared of my new bf, because I keep thinking he will act as you did.
Oh, and one last thing : you are the main reason for my ED. And I hate you for that. And I told you to stop it, I told you were it would lead me. You just refused to hear and didn't really care.

[racewithdeath]

H- my SI is not your fault!!!!!!!!! i love you to death. you changed my life.

S- i hate you bitch, i would kill you if it were not against the law.

MFM- your fault not mine. sam hates you stop stalking him. and stop getting other peope to write you hate mail. stop complaing, you've never been suicidal. im the one with the scars bitch.

K- some friend you were. i wish i never met you. you made my SI worse

ALL MY CRAPPY TEACHERS- flunk me out of school if that will make you happy. so what if im dyslexic. most of the brillient people in this world are. so FUCK YOU

[racewithdeath]

i forgot some things

H- im trying so hard. i know should stop.

K- STOP BEING STUPID...I KNOW YOU SEE THE SCARS AND KNOW HOW THEY GOT THERE. BUT YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL. H IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES!! I HATE YOU. YOU ARE NOT THAT GREAT STOP BEING IN LOVE WITH YOUSELF AND PRETEND YOURE DEPRESSED YOU CANT PULL THAT SHIT ON ME!

S- sometimes i want to tell you that i cut just so you'll finailly have a reality check. someday you'll realize that the world dose not revolve around you. i wish i never had to see you ever again. i dont know why you would think you would win the election. i hate you so dose eveyone else thats why you didn t win bitch

R- you almost got me suspened bitch. I HATE YOU. GET A HAIRCUT

JESS- YOUR AWSOME. DONT CUT. IT WILL TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE. YOUR BETTER THAN THAT

G- [b]GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU STOP STALKING ME I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN. STOP MAKING UP CRAP I KNOW YOUR LYING

that was fun[/b]

[(s)aint]

Nan- I miss you, and I'm sorry for not saying all the things I should of said.

Gary- You are my everything. I love you more than anything. Im so sorry I cause you so much hurt. Please never leave me.


g.s- I hate you, you destroyed my life. And you are still doing it now. I hope you get what you deserve.


b- You only ever wanted one thing, I wanted so much more. To say I hate you is an understatment. You have given me terrible memories, that I will have to live with forever.

[bexy]

S-My SI has nothing to do with you, its not your fault. You didnt cause it and you can't stop it. Im still your sister though and you dont have to treat me any different, you want to say something please say it before the tension kills us both.

J-What did you do to me???

M-remeber when we were best friends, people used to think we were twins we were so close. Where did you go? I was there for you when you were ill, why aren't you here for me when I need you

S-I've known you for 11 years now, you know me well enough to know that I can never ask for help when I need it. Please help me stop this, I know I let you down so badly but I need your help to fix this mess.

E-Im sorry

[Batz]

R - I do love you, I love you as much as it is possible for one person to love another. I want that not to be the way it is any more but it's not something I have a whole lot of control over. I rack my brains to try and understand the complexities of love, to grasp the rules of attraction. Why the words that you write say one thing and your conclusion is true love yet what we have is not. How can she be your soulmate when she does not know all your truths? When you do not know hers? There is no corner of my being that is unlit to you in my life; I have no desire to not share my everything with you. I will always be with you at your side and when you ask me to leave you I will shadow you with my being and my eternal love.

A - I will not give up on the path of friendship we had begun to tread together. I will not give up.

A - Sometimes I feel very, very jealous. I am a scared little girl who thinks that if you love everybody then how can there be enough love for me?

N - More. I want more.

[Surrealgiraffe]

G- You make me sad. You say you need help, you need support, but whatever I do is wrong. I either am being too nosy or I've abandoned you. What the f*ck do you want from me?
P- I love you babe. I'm sorry about this Saturday, you know I wish I could be there. You've always understood and accepted me, and you've been so supportive of everything. Sometimes I cry because I don't deserve a friend like you (but I'll take you anyway!)
B- I shouldn't have lied to you that day. I've thought for weeks about calling you, but I'm too scared of some disaster that I know will result from the truth. I don't know you enough to trust you, but the fact that you cared makes me feel better when I'm down.
J- You are the most superficial and unsensitive person I've ever met, and you just don't understand anything. But at the same time, you've always been there, even through all my screwed-upedness you stayed my friend. I can't trust you, and I feel like I'm using you. I don't know what to do.
B- If you don't call me I'm going to have to do something so horrible I haven't even thought of it yet.
M- Leave me the h*ll alone.

[racewithdeath]

ya im back again....


K- what is your problem? will you make up your mind? your fake anorexic/suicidal act is HORRIBLE. stop it. its not funny... all you want is the attenion....you still eat all. the .time!!!!!!! and you freak out if you start bleeding from a tiny scrach FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU...STOP STAREING AT ME LIKE IM SOME KIND OF FREAK.

S- I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU !!!!!!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
*sigh*

H- what do i say? i havent called because i dont want to put all my problems on you...i know it can make you upset and thats not what i want to do. all i want is for you to me happy....to not have to deal with my problems...i dont deserve someone like you..but yet there you are...and you havent left, diched or hurt me...and you actaully know me.... most turn and run. if it werent for you i would already be dead...i still cut yes, but thats been going on for years before i met you...you changed my life... i dont know how i made it this long without you. i love you, and i really need you.


ok thats all i guess

[TappingTheVein]

M- You have to realize that you can't protect me from everything. You have to let me live, i'm suffocating here.

S- It hurts me everytime I see you. I get this sudden flutter of hope but it disappears as soon as i realize that you love.....(ugh) her.

J- I want nothing more then to hate you half of the time. Part of me wants to be your friend but the other part know that I cant. Sometimes I wish you hurt as much as I am hurting.

C- I don't even know who you are anymore. Its like you've seperated yourself into two seperate people and the real you is trapped somewhere in the darkness. Or maybe THIS is the real you and I just never noticed it before.

R- It's funny how I hardly know you and yet I think of you as a close friend. We have way too many similarities. I hope that everything turns out well for you in the end. Hopefully we will always be able to talk to each other.........

[paperfaced]

R-I am here for you. Don't think I'm pushing you away.

M-Will you listen to me? Please? You can seriously believe you are helping me this way. It's building up inside and I know I will let it out. So for fucks sake, give me it back.

D-Have your own opinions.

D-Grow up. I'm not a little sister anymore.

A-I love you. You are a star.

K-Whatever I did to you, let it fucking drop. GET OVER IT.

A-You're full of empty promises.