After

[Magus]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
I've cleaned and covered.


what had happened just before?

I had an attack of "you're a bad person and a failure and everyone talks about you and thinks you're a freak. You'd be better off alone."


what were you thinking and feeling?

See above. I just wanted to make my body hurt so I could stop the emotional hurt. Part of me was thinking "you deserve this."

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I couldn't handle being alone in my car with no one to talk to about this wave of feelings, knowing that in a short time I had to be back at work pretending everything is alright. I don't think there was a final straw. There was just an urgent need to "handle" the feelings.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I knew I wasn't feeling safe. Maybe my safest bet would have been to stay at work instead of driving off elsewhere for lunch and being alone. Even if I were to go outside for a cigarette at work I would still have been in public view and would not have had the opportunity to do it. I could have then at least held out and gotten to my best friend's house after work and distract and talk.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I have stopped taking my Seroquel, which is prescribed for anxiety and "agitation." I stopped because it is such a sedating medication, I felt like all I was doing in my free time was sleeping, which isn't good for a depressed person. I don't know if that made any difference. I haven't noticed much difference since I stopped taking it except and increase in energy. Maybe if I were still taking it I would have been able tio curb the impulse and work through the ruminating.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I tried talking to myself, rocking myself, distracting myself by playing with my phone, but all I could think of was how badly I wanted to hurt. They didn't work too well- there's not a whole lot that I can do for myself in terms of coping strategies during the work day.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Nothing I can really think of that I can do while I'm at work or on the short time I'm on my lunch break. I would love to hear any ideas that people may have- hear what may work for you if you find yourself in a similar situation.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I think what may help me is if I keep my DBT skills workbook in my car. That way I'll always have it wherever I go, and looking through that and going through the exercies can serve to distract and cope with feelings.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I'm still having a hard time with my feelings of self-worth. I definitely feel better after having injured myself, but wish I had used some sort of alternative- anything other than what I did. I feel the situation is mostly resolved- I meet with my therapist tonight so I'll be able to process some of my feelings and do some reality checking as to my image of myself.


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I am likely to experience that emotional state again. I usually don't have a problem recognizing when I'm in trouble or needing help, but I do have trouble remembering/using all of my skills when I get to the frantic point where SI seems the best conclusion to my problem.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

While at work: From now on I will keep my DBT manual in my car for reference. I will look through that, especially the portion on distress tolerance. I will not put myself in a position where I will be alone. I will use the rubber band technique.

At home: Go through my DBT manual and list of "Adult Pleasant Events"
I will distract with art projects and/or video games. I will make outreach calls to my friends until I find someone I can talk to. I may even visit the board for more suggestions.