Before

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  This urge has been around for weeks (since my last B&A post http://buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=111617 ), sometimes weaker, sometimes stronger. Strong now.
  
  But also additional things have happened. My b/f has fallen ill, heart condition. It’s not critical, but I have had to confront the thought that he will not be with me forever. It terrifies me, he is the only person I really trust and depend on. I feel bad that I’m not able to fix this situation for him. It also brings up thoughts on my own death, I’m scared of dying.
  
  Other stressors. One son (19) is making some major life changes, don’t know how much I will need to help out, lots of things are in the air atm. Feeling bad because I can’t be there for friends right now. Various smaller stuff.
  
  I need to be strong, keep my head together. Lots of practical stuff to deal with. And I am, but I feel myself slipping. Hard to focus, hard to relax, forget things, lose words, mood swings.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Not the exact situation, but feeling overwhelmed in a similar way yes. Tried to just keep going, do what I had to. Not very successful I guess, crashed and wound up in hospital. Didn’t feel much, things were too weird.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Have talked a little to b/f, friends and T. Cried. Walks. Cuddled up with b/f. Eaten. Music. Comedies on tv. Computer games. Cleaned the bathroom. Took an antihistamine last night to sleep more.
  
  Can only think of more of the same.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Anxiety, hard to breathe. Emptiness, knowing there are things that can’t be fixed, things I have to accept but I can’t. Shame, that I’m too weak and have no excuse. Anger without a target. Afraid that I may have lost my ability to cut myself, want to know that I can do it if I decide to.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I… don’t know.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  More numb maybe. I want numb. In the long run I doubt it will matter much either way.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Life and death can’t be avoided. As for future, I find it too hard to make predictions right now when so many things seem shaky.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No. But I don’t know what I need. Anyway, I don’t have any good opportunity right now so not going to happen today.

[quiet1]

i am sorry that things are hard right now. i don't have many words for you, but i wanted you to know that i read your post and i hope that you can resist SI for today.

hugs

[Stellaria]

Thank you quiet1