Let me introduce myself...

[~*Yas*~]

This is the first time I've entered a site like this and I dont really know what to write, so I guess I'll just tell you all something about why I'm here in the first place.
I have been suffering from depression since a few years, on and off, but I have always managed to cope and never really realised I was in a depression. Until March 2005, when I really hit rock-bottom and attempted to end my life. This is when it hit me and when I decided I needed to do something about the way I was feeling. So I started doing therapy, first only once a week for an hour with a psychologist, but I soon realised that that wasn't enough for me. The thing is I am completely by myself here in Belgium, my family lives abroad so I dont get to see them a lot. Plus I have the feeling they dont really understand what I'm going through. They try to be supportive but it doesn't really seem to help me. Since August now i have been doing group therapy, four days a week, 7 hours a day, so it's really very intense. It started going better and better and I was really feeling stronger again, but about 2 months ago it completely turned again. I had a brief relationship with someone that was so intense and beautiful, but then he decided he didnt have the courage to finish his 4-year relationship to be with me, and since then I've gone right back to where I was before. I don't know how to deal with rejection, I have very low self-esteem and things like that only make it worse. People tell me I should stay away from situations like that until I feel confident enough about myself, but on the other side, since I am all by myself I really need affection from others and I need to know that there are people who do care about me.
I have all these feelings inside of me and sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating, I dont know how to expres my feelings because I dont even exactly know what it is that I'm feeling. Is it anger, pain, disappointment....I don't know, it's just too much.
I started cutting myself 3 weeks ago, i don't know how I got to that point, I just know that at that moment it felt like such a relief, like I could take the pressure off for a while. It happened 3 times in total since then, I was really shocked the first time it happened, but now I don't feel so bad about doing it anymore. In a way yes, because I know it's bad to hurt myself, but on the other side I really don't care anymore. I am still in therapy and I have told them what happened, but I dont seem to get the help I need there. All they say is that I have to talk about my problems and things that bother me, but somehow for me talking alone is just not enough. I've been talking for 7 months now and look where it got me...And I dont get any feedback from them that is useful, in my eyes...
I just don't want this SI to become a habit, cause the way I feel about it now is dangerous, as soon as you dont care anymore about doing it that's when it starts to become a habit. I've only done it 3 times, and the little sense I have left inside me knows that that's already 3 times too many. But my feelings and my common sense are not really working together at the moment...
I need to find some other way to expres my feelings instead of turning them on myself, anybody have any suggestions?

[Spidey]

heyos and welcome to bus! have a welcome

and you are right - you don't want si to become a habit - it is a very tough habit to break. but you also should remember that in the end si is a *choice*. you have the choice of whether or not you want to si or seek some other kind of relief from your emotional pain.

some ideas...

could you perhaps start a journal of some type? like a paper journal? that may help you identify thoughts/feelings that you're not familiar with.
write down your feelings and then tear them up?

[falling...]

hey have you thought about posting on main (the forum marked bodiesunder seige) more people will read it there and you will get more replys. anyway welcome to BUS (tradition!)
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Television discussion

[~*Yas*~]

Thanx for the tip!!

[Green Beauty]

Hello and welcome to bus. There are many ways to express yourself but you need to find what suits you best, perhaps painting/writing? Anything that you would enjoy doing. There are also many ways to cope when you get the urge to self harm, if you have a look here at the coping strategies you might find something that works for you. Although i have to say working on your feelings and thoughts is the best step you can take to stop such behaviours.

Stay safe.

Alex