My story...support appreciated

[Jessica]

I'm new to this, I decided to go halfway and find help without actually finding professional help, you know? So I used to cut myself in high school, due to trauma from failed relationships, overall stress, whathaveyou. But I stopped, without getting help... I just got to a point where I felt like I didn't need it anymore. But now I'm in college and I'm back into it. And I cannot stop. I know I need to stop, but I can't figure out a reason to, which I think is because my thinking is warped... I guess. I just feel like, it helps me to feel better when I'm really upset and angry and it's not like I'm hurting anyone else. I'm going through a rough time figuring out what I want to do with my life, and my relationship with my boyfriend is falling apart. He knows that I do this, he's the only one, and instead of supporting me he thinks I'm blaming him and he gets angry and he yells at me to stop and asks why I'm crying and I just wish I could call him when I get the urge to cut but I'm scared he'll yell at me and I just cut instead... It's getting hard to hide the scars from everyone and some days I feel OK and it just gets hard when I think about how much is wrong with me and my life and how scary it is to make decisions for the future. The cutting is like a height of emotion thing and sometimes it really does make me feel better. Maybe that's why it's so hard to stop. But I know it's not good for me... If you took the time to read all this, I REALLY appreciate it, please do anything you can to try and get me through this... I really don't know what to do.

[ebmcs]

Hi,
I can totally understand and relate. I did something very similar.
For whatever reason, it is a coping mechanism that we have in times of stress (ie, starting college and everything that goes with that).
I finally got up the nerve to go to counseling during my senior year in college. Wow, I am so glad that I did. It didn't solve all my problems but it did help me to start turning my life around... and it's the only time in your life pretty much that you can go for free. I would seriously recommend that you consider going. Especially as you are facing major life choices right now. It really can be a blessing.
A reason to stop.... that it isn't an effective way of solving problems. It pushes aside the feelings, but doesn't address the issue. That's what helps me, anyhow, yet it's a daily struggle at times.

Keep us updated.

prayers,
ebmcs

[disastercake]

Welcome to bus, have a traditional welcome cow

I think you've come to the right place. If you go into the sourcebook, there's a lot of good threads there that address all sorts of aspects of SI.

[Tamrick]

Hey, sorry to hear things are so difficult at the moment. Look around the boards - they have ways of coping with urges. Maybe if you can, it would be wise to get into counselling now if you can. They can help you with a lot fo things - including your relationship problems and difficulties at college. It might be a good idea to get someone to talk to even if you never talk about the SI.

As far as reasons not to SI go, it helps to write a list of pros and cons that you think of yourself. Usual ideas are: Pros: helps you cope with strong emotions whereas cons can include things like bad scars and having to keep secrets. You need your own list though.

Keep posting on Bus also. There are a lot of people here with a lot of experience who you can relate to and make friends with. Good luck.

Tamrick