- puts this at top of post to remember it.urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
so this post has taken me the better part of 7 to 8 hours to write. i jump around a lot. and my thoughts are probably a bit rambled. but yeah. its still a before and hopefully i will not have to do an after. crosses fingers. hell, crosses, finfers, arms, legs, toes, nose hairs and eyes.
if i make it through tomorrow, ill be 1 week free. one week. seven days. 168 hours. IF. that will be the seconf time i have made it to 7 days, never been passed that since joining bus. i am urging a tad, but not really urging if that makes sense. the previous 2 days, ie sat - & sunday have had more serious urges, than i am feeling today. but i just need to chat, to think, to get it out. am not su, but really just want to give up. dunno if the questions will help much, but i need something. i need to do something. i want to stop. cutting atm does however seem mundane, but i know if i allow myself that first cut, its not gonna be a pretty ending. there is a saying in afrikaans, kyk noord en fok voort. meaning just carry on. will forge ahead. will mix and match the questions as they grab my attention and my thoughts
# Do I need to hurt myself? easily answered no. i do not need to at this stage. i feel i want to. have words written on my legs. bad on the left and fucked up on the right. its how i feel that i am, i want to go over them so people can see that i am bad, fucked up. that they can be warned and just stay away before i cause more heart ache and pain and am caused more heart ache and pain. ~ at this point i am wondering if this is a good idea. feel almost like that question is urging me more. ~ anyway. *taps keyboard* no, i dont need to cut. i need to be able to cry. i need irl support. these 2 are unavailable options to me for a variety of reasons. but ummm. i do believe that i do not need to cut. i made it through yesterday and the day before and the 3 days before. i can do this without needing to cut. shakespeare - me thinkest though protesteth too much. i keep saying i dont need too cut. maybe i am just trying to convince myself?
7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
right now. i want to crawl under my covers, bury my head in the sand and hide away. which will solve nothing bc tomorrow there will be more messages, more hassles. more problems. i sit and think to myself. myself - you do not need to cut, but i f***ing want to. why do i want to? why? mmmmmmmmm will come back to the second half of this question then ...... back at the second part of the question. i do have a self-protective instinct. it has been developing and improving. ive gone from cutting sometimes 3 to 4 times a day, to know being able to go 3 - 4 days pretty easily. so, we are getting there. the immediate thing. well yeah. my sister just got a cd she won from operah, that made me happy for her and made me feel better and lifted my spirits. in the long run, i have place, where i really post a lot to get all my things, thoughts and stuff out. i have a spirituality thread going where i am wotking on the finer points of my faith and getting better as well as boundaries. i have never ventured anywhere besides arc, place, games and well here. i have now started a thread in coping on dissasociation, which i hope will get some replies. what is nice is that i am starting to see what is going wrong where, though i do get overwhelmed at times. and am tackling internal issues such as boundaries and dissasociation. feels a bit better again, saunters down to the last few questions
# Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?me thinks i should change need to want on these questions. anyway. petty things. need/want. same difference. the important thing is why? i think there are two things here. the minor is to externalise some pain and frustration. focus on external pain. focus on a tangible thing that i can do something about. but this will also be a distraction, because while i am cleaning up blood and stuff my thoughts are elswhere and not obsessing and thinking about the crap that brought me to this point. secondly cutting is punishment. i am a bad father. a bad person. want to go over the writing on my legs for that reason, warn people that i am bad and fucked up. want to feel pain and see blood. i think the punishment aspect is the more driving force behind my wanting to cut. ok so i carried on down, answered next 8 questions. took the break. got some air. cleared my head. well that was the idea anyway. i still feel i want to cut. all i can think of is i need to be punished for not phoning my daughter yesterday. i am bad and fucked up.
What has brought me to this point?this is the million dollar question .... comes back to it. ... well not really. final straw this morning.. from place..
this was the final thing that just broke me. i woke up feeling crappy. then the day went from crappy to shitty to worse. felt worthless when i woke. me thinks i may have serious self image issues. feel fat again. feel ugly. look like shrektruce wrote:then i just got a text. i am but not worthy to be called a father. i am just a sperm donor. i can forget talking to my daughter ever again. fuck fuck fuck. i know its bc i didnt phone yesterday. it was her birthday. but i cant. i couldnt. its useless. i am but just a fuck up. just bad.
except im not green. wow i used a smiley. thats a good sign. i dont know so many thoughts in my head atm. had plenty of ptsd flashbacks this weekend egged on by a stupid pm i got sent. loneliness is still a factor. am surrounded by mom, sister, friend. so am not alone but am distant from them. am lonely. they do not understand. they try somewhat to care and show they care. am feeling a bit better atm. maybe due to bus friends on msm and stuff chatting. but still. in this room, in this mind it is just me and only me. im's and pm's are also but just a distraction. they shouldnt be. they are to be seen not as distraction (um not distractions in a bad sense but still distractions). should friendships and relationship, even in cyber space, be seen as building on yourself. doing something for you? not a distraction. funny i chose that word. ????? wonder what the connotations might be of that? ok so i may be over self analyzing atm. (ggrrrrr side tracked, where was i) it has just been so much on top of everything. i want to put my hands in my head and cry. its financial worries. business is okay if the damn clients would pay and get their accounts up to date. losing my medical aid, my life insurance, owing friends money, my car needs repairs, behind on maintenance and school fees. not having money to go see a t. mmm, for that matter not wanting to see a t. will address the t issue in another question later on. this song and words just to sum it up everytime i hear them. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING SICK AND TIRED. its the festive season gone past. the new start to the new year. ugghhh, its my mother. its johann. its just so much, i feel overwhelmed. i feel frustrated. feel like i am losing control. i start a plan, get working on one front to fix problems and then the other side flames up. like fighting a bushfire, in dry long grass with mean cross winds. and i am all alone. the flames are getting closer. i am running around in circles and just getting nowhere. it all just burns more and more, flaming on itself. feeding on itself. multiplying in heat, intensity and destructiveness. why does it seem that i keep getting stuck at the same things. keep banging my head on the same brickwall. ok got side tracked again. seems this is happening a bit. takes 5 minute break to clear mind, get juice. was busy 3 questions down, then, mmmm. my outstanding court case. this is a problem. i get frustrated, wound up with not knowing the unknown, the outcome. i want to know what will happen so i can prepare myself for whatever will be. i hate the not knowing more than anything else. rubs head. circles on temples. stretches. i want to carry on, pick myself up. but if it all goes pear shaped then this is all for nothing. all the work down the drain. oooh the frustration.4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?mindset is changing as post goes on. i know that hurting is firstly not my best option. its not something that i really want to do. see circles. up and down. want to hurt, dont want to, need to punish, dont want to cut. this whole up and down thing is just too much for my small intellect to comprehend.
6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?havent yet come up with another thing yet. though i doubt i would cut atm. urge is dying with this post and analyzing my feelings and thoughts. even considering not submitting this post. but i will. its good for me. though if i did cut, there would be a slight hint of remorse that i didnt make a week yet again. but very slight and only in passing. i have kind of made my peace that as much as i really want to stop si'ing that i probably wont be able to in the near future and i will have a few episodes. so i no longer feel guilty or upset that i si really. as to the other thing. well we are still deciding if we are gonna si, if we need another thing. but i think atm, this post is my other thing, bc it is halping and tomorrow though i would feel no guilt at cutting, i would feel better that i have tried to work out some issues.
5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?well instead of hurting myself. i am doing these questions. a good start. they have helped a lot. it hasnt really changed the situation, but has allowed me a much better perspective and has grounded myself a bit. brought things more into focus. the thought that someone may read this, maybe relate a bit so that i know that i am not alone in these frustrations and i have shared instead of bottling it up until it does result in si, is a good thing. how long will it change the situation, well .... probably until i am finished and need to start getting back at tackling stuff and i start feeling overwhelmed again. what will i do then. well, atm i have no idea. but baby steps. one bit at a time. when i am calmer i am more likely to get things done and thus have less problems in my hand and in my face. some problems though as my outstanding court case and things are but beyond my control. and i need to accept that. so this question wasnt meant this way. i suppose. nothing really though. the alternates, such as elastics and paint and stuff. ive been there, ive posted so much about those techniques and they dont help. i have to think my way out of an urge. bar that, cutting is usually about my only resort. to me its a lot about the blood .... moves answer to next question ...... so my other options would be like the elastic. but the pain is too temporary. its too different. another way to hurt me? any ideas? i have tried with my boxing bag, but um previous si methods ahve damaged tendons in my knockles and i land up with swollen knuckles looking stupid as if i have been in a bar fight. (like i look like a genius with cuts all over my arms and legs) but i suppose i would rather that people think i am mentally unstable and hurting than think i am a hooligan. i have never been in a fight in my life. (excluding arrests, but those are not boxing matches) and honestly. the paint thing i havent tried. i just could not see that working before. maybe after the thoughts below, i could try it properly and see what happens. what did help once, believe it or not, was going to another si site (no names mentioned and i wouldnt advise it) where people could post pics of their si. this actually helped me. i imagined that i was looking down and i had done the damage and that brought about the release. i tried taking a photo or two of my own si. but it wasnt the same. others si helped me get over. maybe bc it was like new cuts on me. where as my own pics i kept thinking yes you did that and you needed more and landed up urging me. so we deleted my pics off my hd. and are scratching that as an idea. funny enough on a previous before post, i had to vent about a britney spears video, where i knew it was false, yet irl pics helped me. scratches head.
# How will I feel when I am hurting myself?cutting to me is a weird thing. to me it is partially the pain from the blade across the skin, that is the punishment aspect. and then the blood. i think the blood is the more significant part of si to me. for 2 reasons. firstly the release of the pain, and then the whole looking at the blood and seeing if i have bled enough, been punished enough. omg. i sound sick. goes back to above question.
1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? i know it will not change the situation. it will not help the feeling at all. bc i will feel like i am but going backwards. bleah. i am so mixed up. ive gone from i wont feel guilty, to feeling bleah. i dont know. bottom line is it wont change the situation and i will be back here again soon. i cant answer this question. i just cannot.
# How do I feel right now? hurting. physically. have a pain like steel bands around my chest. my ankles (mainly my left one) are sore and swollen. emotionally. sad. lonely. lost. worthless. useless. mentally. confused. frustrated. 2488 words into this post. why the word count suddenly became important to me. no-one shall know. feel almost as if i am beginning to dissasociate too. like i am sitting deeper inside myself. seems as if eyelids are further than they are. as if i am looking down a tunnel. watching my fingers type. not controlling them. just seeing them move. apart from me. bleah.
2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? will focus me. thats my thing atm. how else can i focus? relaxation therapy stuff. naaaa. eyes closed. soft music. easy to wander in my thoughts. gonna go for a walk a bit will finish post a bit later. my bum has pins and needles anyway. so had my break. added a sentence or so to the top question. hurting will bring punishment. will take away pain and feeling of guilt. but for how long i must ask myself. feeling very sad right now.
# Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? i need to find a t. i need to talk through the sa. need to talk through the ptsd. need to work through the anger and self hate. yet everyone just wants to give me meds. i am currently on no meds at all. meds i have found, well dont help. or i havent found some that help. i need intensive therapy with a therapist who will make the effort. ....... so umm had to go help my sister who locked the keys in the car. my foot is ultra sore and swollen now and i lost my train of thought. bleah ........ jumps back to second question ..... back again. avoiding and dealing with the stressors. well internal, i mentioned above about various threads. i have put up a whiteboard in my room / office to keep an easily visible list of what needs to be done. goals and finishing projects have never been an easy thing for me. so i can try tackle either one thing at a time, or smaller more managable chunks at a time. but yes. therapy. to go back to therapy. its a trigger actually for me at the moment. had a long discussion with another busser on free / subsidised therapy and mental health care. well in south africa. i just do not qualify for any of it. maybe the public psych hospital weskoppies if i really need to go ip. but well, mmmm in the bed next to you possible serial murderers and rapists are with you. no guards. besides my stint in the police college which borders the hospitals grounds, so knowing first hand what went on there, granted that was 12 years ago. but research on the net shows it seems to have gotten worse. so its not really an option. which also spurs me on to help myself more i suppose. because i am at the get better or go bust stage. as to physical stressors - well they just add to the mental stuff. i am eating weird. starting to get sores on inside of lip. a sure sign of a run down body. am battling to get into a good sleep pattern also. it just seems that when it all starts to go wrong, it just ALL goes wrong.
# Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? i have been here before on some levels. more than one. reading back. my last before/ after/ during posts. all to do a lot with loneliness. frustration. difference is, that last time i did cut. this time i am fighting. thats good.
either i have answered these questions or just cant so am leaving them.
3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
# What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
# How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
conclusion i have not cut. i doubt i will.
if i try read back, it scares me how through the day i can go up, and go down (mood wise), so often and randomly. oh well ty for letting me ramble. its now 5 pm and i have yet to do any of the work i was supposed to.
why do i even fight it? someone asked me in place after the venting post that i made just before i started this before post. what is stopping me si'ing. define that, grab on to it and hold on for all i am worth. i suppose that thing is to show ....i have some control. i can do it. i am better. i dont have to cut. i dont need my blade to make it. i want that. im fighting for me.
cant.