Slipped a week ago...

[pretty]

[Some background: I had around four months si free when I slipped five weeks ago at my best friend wedding. It was a massively emotional day, and I just couldn't bare it. Then a week ago I slipped again. I'd been feeling grumpy and irritable for around a fortnight, with no visible reason. A lot like pmt, but at the wrong time of the month.

I live in a flat with four rooms, including kitchen and bathroom, with my husband. There is literally no where to sit apart from the front room and bedroom. We are never more than six feet apart and it's driving us both crazy. We are looking for somewhere else, and will be moving asap. I anticipate having my own space to retreat to will fix most of the problems.]



<b>what had happened just before? </b>
Andrew got home, we cooked dinner and sat down in front of the tv to eat. I got my dinner down my tshirt, due to general clumsiness and having to eat off my knee. This had happened three nights running, and I was getting frustrated with my clumsiness. So I threw the nearest thing to hand at the wall, then we laughed about it a bit, then everything spiraled into a screaming argument about nothing at all, except my inability to stay rational and calm in such situations and his in ability to to cope with me. So I went into the bedroom to eat my dinner. After I'd eaten it I cried for a while, then I si'ed.

<b>what were you thinking and feeling? </b>
I was very very angry with myself for ruining the evening. I was very frustrated with myself for being so clumsy. I was very frustrated with living here and there not being space to breathe.

<b>why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? </b>
Getting my dinner down me was the final straw. I have (minor) food issues and waste issues. I tend to think any mess associated with food is just disgusting, so food fights and spillages make me uncomfortable. And I was just so would up, I snapped.

<b>how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. </b>
I could have gone and found myself some space and tried to calm down somewhere that wasn't the bedroom (where my tools were), but there isn't anywhere. I could have tried to deal with my frustration in the weeks that led up to that day, though I have no idea how. I could have made sure we ate at the table, which is awkward but possible. It takes a lot of effort to get the chairs out and unfold them, and open up the table. When we're tired we just want to get dinner over with so we can relax.

<b>were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? </b>
Not that I can think of. Tiredness is always an issue (again due to the cramped environment.

<b>what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? </b>
None. I just felt helpless and that there was no point even trying.

<b>in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? </b>
I was in the kind of frame of mind where I don't think I would have been willing to try anything. I was just so angry with myself.

<b>name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. </b>
I will write myself a note to put in with my tools.
I will put my lighter in with my tools, as it's a tool and should be out of reach.
I will move my emergency box to by my side of the bed, so it's there when I retreat.

<b>how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? </b>
I feel frustrated about the whole situation we're trapped in. I'm still prone to frustration and getting very wound up by almost nothing. Everything else is resolved I think. And Andrew is still very bad at dealing with me when I get like that, but I don't know how to fix that.

<b>are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? </b>
Yes, at least until we move. I can leave my journal by my bed, and write how I'm feeling. I can try to stay calm. I can go into the bedroom and shut the door and try to calm down.

<b>what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. </b>
I will write down how I'm feeling.
I will look in my emergency box.
I will take myself away from the situation and breathe.

[Lyndsie]

It's good that you can anserw those questions.

[Licentia Poetica]

It seems like you feel really cramped and can't wait to get out of there.

Some questions & points.

Was the dinner aspect really the major problem, or was it a lot more than that? If it was just that, could you find a way of being more careful with food so you don't feel so restricted, and eventually let go of the "carefulness" as you adjust to the new place after you move out?

I sense you're feeling pretty guilty about slipping, could you try to rationalise your situation as a stressful one and while not giving yourself permission to SI, just recognise that this incident is a result of a cramped lifestyle?

Do you give yourself breaks from the apartment, taking walks, going out, so you don't feel so cramped? If so, how can you make these more effective, or spontaneous to times where you're feeling particularly cramped?

Could you help your husband to cope with you and work with him on the issues surrounding your feelings at the moment?

Do to you anticipate to get back on with your life after this badish patch, after you move out? If so, how?

[pretty]

Thanks Lyndsie and thatway.

Was the dinner aspect really the major problem, or was it a lot more than that?

I'm not sure. I think it was general frustration and stress, which was just tipped over by the food thing. We have been making an effort to eat at the table, which helps a lot. And the more general stress is tied up with moving.

I sense you're feeling pretty guilty about slipping, could you try to rationalise your situation as a stressful one and while not giving yourself permission to SI, just recognise that this incident is a result of a cramped lifestyle?

I hadn't thought of it like that, but having read that it seems a lot more ok to have slipped. I mean, it's never <i>ok</i>, but it's understandable. Things are stressed at the moment, and it is only a short term situation.

Do you give yourself breaks from the apartment, taking walks, going out, so you don't feel so cramped? If so, how can you make these more effective, or spontaneous to times where you're feeling particularly cramped?

I do, but not as often as I should. It might be a good idea for us to try to go for a walk in the evening more often. It's hard cos I don't feel safe around here, which is slightly irrational, but all the same... But the times it feels most cramped is in the evenings, so going out together might really help.

Could you help your husband to cope with you and work with him on the issues surrounding your feelings at the moment?

If I can work out what I want from him, then yes. That's something else for me to think about.

Do to you anticipate to get back on with your life after this badish patch, after you move out? If so, how?

Yes, very much so. Once we have moved I will be studying part time again and working. Having routine will really help me, as will having things to do. I think that's part of why it's so frustrating. I feel ready to be working and stuff again, but I can't do it while we're waiting to move.

I feel like I'm making excuses for myself by blaming everything, or almost everything, on waiting to move. It is stressful though, and maybe now isn't the best time to be trying too hard to stop si. I know things will be easier in a couple of months. Maybe it's like trying to stop smoking, they say you really shouldn't try to do it while you're in a stressful situation, you should wait until you've got a stable period to try.

[littlethings]

Hi, I just wanted to add a suggestion for what to do in cramped quarters.

I know this sounds silly, I thought it wouldn't work until I tried it, but if I'm urgey and have to enter a room with my tools I actually have taken painters tape and tied my hands together (it's a bit tricky) and left them that way until the urge fades. You have plenty of time to think and calm down but no danger of hurting yourself.

I recommend blue painters tape because it is fairly sturdy, but won't leave sticky residue on your hands like duct tape will. Last time I used painters tape it took me a little over 5 minutes to unwrap my hands. It requires enough effort that you aren't likely to do it until you are sure you won't self-injure.

It won't help you work out the situation- but it is a good way to retreat without worrying about SI.

JoAnna

[pretty]

Thanks JoAnna, that's a really cool idea