I am tired of running away, and hiding it from myself as well as everyone
else. to put this on the bus is something I realy did not want to do but I
think it might be good to talk or atleast type about it.. When I was 11 SA
happened to me and went on untill I was 14. as a male who has been SA
it brings questions into mind like why me not to mention the questions
about sexuality. It also brings emotions like guilt and shame. I called a
SU hot line last year when I was on the verge of SU and to this day that
person on the phone is the one of the four I ever told and i only know the
other 3 from here i used pm's. She said she could not imagine why I
would not tell anyone when it happened which to me made me think I was
to blame because I could have stoped it, then she put me on hold how
could she do that,I attempted SU that night and I got real close to death.
the person that did it said if I ever talked he would kill me so I was
scared and ashamed. he aimed a shot gun at my head when I said I was
going to talk,I think he would have killed me if I had. by 14 I just wanted
to die I knew life would never be the same for me, I would always be
hiding the shame, and hiding the pain behind a false smile. My mom
worked in a factory and had to be at work at 3:15 am I had no locks on
my backdoor he knew that and let himself in he tryed to do it again and I
fought him with all I had which was not much I was laying on my back
with him choking the life out of me. I realized he was going to kill me and
I was suprized to find out I wanted to live, I reached to the headboard of
my bed and grabed what I can only describe as a brick but it was just a
large rock not as wide as a brick but as long as one and it was much
harder then a brick. I hit him with all my might in the side of the head and
he fell into the floor bleeding bad from where I had hit him he was trying
to crawl away and all of that hate,rage,fear,guilt and shame was put into
one hit right on the top of his head. He was out I thought I had killed him
I hoped he was dead. I changed my cloths, washed my hands and face
then went to my friends house,I did not tell him what I had done, I said
my mom had locked me out. At four o clock that afternoon I went home
expecting to find that my mom had found his body, but he was gone,
two weeks went by and I got a phone call it was him he said he was going
to kill me for what I did, I told him he had already killed me my life would
never be the same because of him, I told him how he took everything
that made me who I was and mudered it,then I said if you are going to
kill me you better do a better job then last time because next time I will
not stop untill I can no longer move my arms and that if he ever tryed it
and felled I would tell everyone what he was,,however that was a bluff
that would also have told everybody what had happened to me I guess he
belived it because four months went by and I did see or hear from him.
on that fourth month I moved in with my dad. There is not a day that
goes by that I don't think about what I have been through I think about
SU at least once a day,I thought as I got older the pain would slowy drift
away but it just got worse which brings me to the bus. I have never had
any thearpy and I know I realy need it because one day I may hit such a
low point that I just end it all Thank you for listening and sorry it was so
long I had to tell it though for myself....
my friends saved my life - i love you all 
