Getting the most out of BUS
Be the change
You must be the change you wish to see in the world -- Gandhi
In this case, you must be the change you wish to see on this board.
Please read this in the spirit in which it was written; I care about all of you, even those of you who think you're troublemakers, and I want everyone to get what they need from the board.
I’ve been online since 1986 and on the net since 1991. In all that time, I’ve never seen a thread’s topic get changed by people saying, "We don't like this topic." That sentence, in fact, seems to lead only to arguments about whether or not the original topic was okay, and how Things Should Be on the newsgroup/email list/board.
The only tactic I have ever seen work to change a topic or an atmosphere was people deciding that they wanted no part of the old topic/fight/attitude and deliberately choosing to let things go and move on with what they *did* want to talk about.
instead of seeing slights everywhere like bookkeepers keeping accounts of how much support they get so they can “prove” they’re more right than the other guy, ask yourself, "am I getting what I need here?" if the answer is no, think about how you can more effectively state your needs. If the answer is yes, let go of the petty complaints and move on with being part of this community.
The only way for arguments to stop is for someone to decide that being effective is more important to them than being right. Let go of the need to win. Focus on your needs and how to get them met and the needs of your friends and how to meet them. Stop keeping score.
Don’t post in anger
If a post makes you angry, stop and let it sit awhile before answering. Think about what the anger is related to and how you want to respond. See if there are other ways you could interpret what’s being said. Cool down -- take a walk, IM a friend, talk to a mod or admin, play a game – whatever it takes to get calmer.
If you think someone’s violating the rules, please don't try to enforce the guidelines on your own. Report violations to the staff and let them deal with it.
Sometimes another person will just rub you the wrong way. You won’t like much of anything they have to say and just reading one of their posts makes you grind your teeth. You have two choices: try to work things out with that person, or ignore everything he says. You can get help from the staff if you want to work things out, and you can completely ignore the other person using FireFox and an easy-to-install script. Don’t fight it out in public; no one likes feeling as though they have to take sides, and it’s not fair to pull other people into your drama.
Asking for help/Giving help
Individual help
Sometimes, people from bus send instant messages or emails to other people from here asking for help. I think that's kind of cool, but if you do this there is one important thing you should remember.
The person you're talking to is human, just like you, and is allowed to have boundaries. No matter how badly you're hurting, you need to respect those boundaries.
If you're trying to help someone from the board, it's good to decide exactly what you are willing to do. You might want to consider setting some of these limits:
I will not talk to someone who is actively self-injuring while we talk. If they can't stop long enough to focus on our conversation, there's probably not a lot I can do except encourage them to reach out for real-life help.
If I’m trying to help you, you have to be willing to help yourself. If we talk for half an hour and you keep saying "yes, but..." I am allowed to conclude that we're not getting anywhere and end the conversation.
I will not allow you to make me feel guilty. if you threaten to suicide because you're angry at me, I will tell you that it's your choice and I can't make it for you, but that I cannot stay in the conversation with that threat hanging over me because I can't be of any help anymore. Same thing with threats to self-injure or actual self-injury; if you start that, the conversation ends. I don't want you to die and I will help you get help, but if you start threatening me my ability to be helpful to you ends.
If I am talking to someone and I feel overwhelmed or unable to deal with their problems, I get to say so and try to help them find a professional nearby to phone. My willingness to talk is a gift, but I get to decide how much I can handle and when I have had too much.
I have these rules, and encourage other people to have them, because it is impossible to help other people unless you're taking care of yourself. Gently but firmly setting limits is useful for both people involved.
Threatening to suicide or self-injure to keep someone talking to you is abusive. Hurting yourself because you're angry at someone is abusive, and sending them photos of the injury is beyond that. In an instance like that, I would let them know that I couldn't help them in future; I’m not willing to give them the chance to abuse my goodwill and willingness to help again.
Getting more replies
Often people complain that they're posting, they really want replies, people seem to be reading the post, and no one answers. It frustrates them.
Over the years, we’ve noticed several factors that make posts more likely to get responses:
1. Make it easy for others to read your post. Don’t use netspeak/text speak (u no, so when ppl c yr post, they hv to trnlate b4 they can say nething). Not all abbreviations are bad, but it can be hard to read a post that's absolutely full of them. Seriously, a lot of people, people who have a lot to offer, just click right back out of a post when they see it's written in netspeak. Don’t do it.
2. Ask for something. You don't have to be specific, but give people an idea of what you want. The "sit with me" posts are an excellent example of asking for what you need. Think about what you want from a post: reassurance? Advice? Someone to let you know they care? Validation of a feeling you're having? Say so.
3. Let people have their own feelings. If someone says respectfully that they understand what you're saying but that they don't agree with you, don't attack. Allow people to have different ideas and feelings and beliefs. Some of the most valuable conversations I’ve had have been with people who didn't agree with me or who said things I didn't really want to hear.
4. Don’t ask for advice unless you're willing to either listen to it or explain exactly why you don't like it. If you think an idea is not useful to you in the situation you're in, explain why. Don’t rant, don't yell at the person who made the suggestion, just say, "hmm. I understand your suggestion, but I don't think cutting my hair would work because I would still have to deal with the issue of getting to school on time every day, and I don't understand how cutting my hair is going to help that. Even if it would, it's not something I’m willing to do."
5. If someone says they understand your advice but aren't willing to do it, don't take it personally.
6. Treat other people fairly and with respect. The more they see you as someone who is willing to be part of a conversation, the more they will want to reply to your posts.
7. Don’t get angry if you get answers you don't like. No one here is trying to piss you off. Sometimes you need to hear things that you may not like.
8. If you're staying stuck and keep posting about the same thing, acknowledge that up front. Say, "I know I’m posting this over and over, but I’m stuck and I don't know how to get past it." if people think you're trying to get unstuck, they'll want to help you. If they think you're stuck and just want to keep talking about how you can't ever possibly get unstuck, they'll get frustrated and stop reading your posts.
9. Keep the drama to a minimum. Don’t speculate about the motives of other people. Stay with the facts of what happened and how you feel about those facts and what you see as your options for taking action.
10. Let people know you appreciate their replies.
Making your replies more effective
Often people complain because they reply to posts and it seems like nothing sunk in. they start feeling like they're saying the same thing over and over and over and it's being ignored, as if the person they're trying to help is more interested in complaining than in making changes. These suggestions may help reduce the feelings of frustration.
1. Say what you feel, gently. Talk about the facts and your own feelings. "I’m kind of frustrated, because the last time you posted about this people made a lot of good suggestions and I can't figure out from your post that you took any of what they said into consideration. It seems as though nothing's changed in this situation since your last post, and the only thing I can think of to tell you is what I told you last time. To me, it seems as though my responses aren't doing anything useful for you, so I don’t know if I should respond to posts about this anymore." Open a dialogue.
2. If you are being confrontational, be gentle. "You know, you're saying x now, but a while ago in this other post, you said y, and I’m confused because I can't see how those two things can co-exist. Can you help me understand?
3. If you're having a hard time understanding a post because it's in netspeak or tOgGlE CaPs, say so. Tell the op that you're willing to try to respond but that you can't read the post. Ask them if they can edit it into more standard English.
4. Ask, don’t tell; sometimes answering questions helps someone change how they think about a problem. Let go of the need to have The Answer.
5. Never make assumptions about feelings or motivations. No matter how similar they seem, everyone has led a different life and does things for different reasons.
6. Be honest, but not harsh. You don’t need to use a bulldozer where a shovel would do. You can challenge someone without hurting their feelings or being rude.
The Question of Challenges
what is a challenge? A challenge could be anything from questioning the thoughts of the original poster or asking questions that make the original poster look at something from a different angle. A challenge can also provide alternate views of a situation allowing for growth of a thought process
why do we welcome challenges on BUS?Challenges have always been a part of BUS, sometimes we need to hear things that might be difficult, can be helpful to a lot of people to be asked to think about things differently, etc. It is one type of reply and help that is offered on BUS along with support, encouragement, personal experience and advice. Challenges are also welcome because we all learn by our own experiences and everyone can benefit from the learning and experience of others
what's a 'good' challenge? what's a 'bad' challenge? when do challenges cross the line?A good challenge recognizes and respects the thoughts and feelings of the original poster but offers thoughts to expand on the post.
A bad challenge may leave the original poster feeling unheard, belittled or disrespected. There is a fine line between the two mainly because different people will read things differently than others. A good gauge for the difference is to ask yourself first how you would feel reading the reply. If you think you may feel uncomfortable with the reply then perhaps try something different.
challenges are (or should always be) intended to help, even if they feel difficult to hear, they're not (or shouldn't be) intended to hurt. what if I don't want challenges?If you are not looking for challenges within your post make that clear in the first post. You have the right to ask for what you want and need and therefore have the right to say what you do not want or need.
what if I find a challenge difficult, or feel attacked?You can always talk to an admin. If the challenge is an attack, we will remove it. If not, you don't have to reply to it, you can say that you're not ready, or not currently willing to consider challenges. you can ask others not to post further challenges.
do I have to reply to challenges? No, absolutely not but it could be helpful to you.
what if people don't listen to my challenges?You can't force this, and if they say they don't want to be challenged, continuing to bring challenges to them could become bullying. Imagine how you may feel in certain situations. We are all in different places in our lives and even from day to day. If someone doesn't respond the way you would like to your challenge, be patient.
how can I make challenges that people are likely to respond well to?Include some support and understanding, be gentle, but still ask your question or explain your point. Choosing your moment - when someone's really upset, it might not be the best time to try a challenge.
I don't think BUS is challenging enough, what can I do?If you do not feel bus is challenging enough you can take the first step. Be willing to offer challenges and also be willing to accept them. Bus is here for you and we want you to get the most out of bus. If you want or need something specific from Bus then you make the move and others will follow.
I think BUS is too challenging, what can I do?Again, everyone is in a different place in life. If you feel Bus is too challenging then find other forums that do not lean so much toward challenges and be sure to ask for what you need when you post. Nest is an example as is your place.
Belonging on BUS
What do you do when you feel like you don't belong here? There are a lot of reasons why people might feel more invisible or alienated here, and some problems are harder to solve than others. These are some practical ways to address the issue.
1. One question that might be worth asking is, what would it mean for you to feel like you belonged? Would it mean getting lots of answers when you posted? Having people that you talked to regularly? Being able to relate to the people around you? Sometimes if you can think a little about what specific things would make you feel at home, it's easier to then figure out how to go after those things.
2. If you feel invisible, posting directly and saying that can be helpful. Sometimes we just want people to acknowledge us, to notice that we're around, and asking people for that is fairly simple.
3. BUS is big, and the number of people on main can be overwhelming. It can help a lot to post on the other boards because you get to know people more quickly. It seems that often just having even a few people that you feel some connection to can make all the difference. Find a place that you like to hang out (distractions, place, whatever), and get to know the other people who hang out there.
(another benefit of posting in various places perhaps is that it gives you room to express more aspects of yourself. If all I know about someone is what I read on main about their troubles with SI, that doesn't stand out much in my mind. I like getting to know people as individuals beyond their struggles with psychological issues.)
4. Sometimes you do have to take some risks in getting to know people better. Maybe watch for the people that you think you might have stuff in common with, and pm them to say hello. Post in their place if they have one, or make a point of responding to their posts when you see them. I know that I am likely to reciprocate when I feel like someone is taking an interest in me.
(and if someone doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know you even when you are making an effort, don't take it personally. Don't assume that no one here likes you or could be interested in you. There are lots of reasons why people might not be very responsive. Try not to get discouraged too easily. Sometimes it does take time.
5. When people do make an effort to reach out to you (by answering your posts, for example), let them know that you appreciate it. I know that I am much more likely to continue to talk to people when they acknowledge my responses.
6. I've noticed that once in a while, problems with specific individuals get translated into problems with the entire community. It's worth remembering that we are an incredibly diverse group of people, and that having conflict or difficulties with a few individuals doesn't mean that you are being rejected by everyone on bus.
7. Most people have days when they feel like they don't belong. it's easy to watch people interacting and assume that they know each other well or are part of a club that excludes you, when there is a good chance that they too actually feel kind of tentative and uncertain about how much they fit in.
8. I can understand the temptation to be somewhat dramatic in an effort to stand out, especially because this community is so big and it's easy to feel lost. But my sense is that quietly building connections with people whom you like goes a lot further toward contributing to a feeling of belonging in the long term than does trying to get attention for being particularly dramatic or visible or controversial.
One final thought, even if you are feeling like you don't belong or that you are invisible, it might be worth considering that you may well have an impact on others that you aren't aware of.
Act with humility, empathy, and grace
Humility: Accept that you're not always going to be right and remember that you can learn from anyone, even people you find difficult to deal with. Allow others to disagree with you and respect their right to do so. When you disagree with someone, focus on statements or behaviors, not the other person himself. Responding to a post means accepting the trust of the poster -- you have a responsibility to be as open and fair as you can. Value their trust and strive to retain it.
Empathy: This is not so much the ability to share feelings completely; it’s the ability to remember or imagine what it's like to be in a similar situation. You’re never going to know exactly how someone feels, but you've probably felt the same emotions. Remember being confused and weak and afraid, and when you're talking to someone who's feeling that way, let the wounded places and scars in you inform your response. Empathy is about compassion while keeping the focus on the other person. Don’t make someone else's problem all about you; describe your similar experiences, but bring it back to the original poster. Never forget that none of us are always right, none of us know everything, and all of us have room to grow.
Grace: Accept your mistakes and that you can make mistakes. When you do, accept the consequences, make repairs as best you can, and learn from the experience. I’ve been working hard on humility and grace lately. Allow yourself room to be less-than-perfect; if I can make huge public screw-ups, you all can too. Be gentle with yourselves. You’re allowed to be afraid or weak or uncertain or confused or hurt or frustrated or angry. We all are from time to time -- sometimes all at once. That’s how life works, and there’s nothing wrong with it.