this evening i found out that my home is being sold. i feel like i don't beling anywhere now. not here at uni. i won't be going home to the same house. even my dad's house won't be familiar since he is moving tomorrow.
i just want to hurt myself.
* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
-i'll feel like i have more control, i wouldn't be so lost as it's something familiar in such an unfamiliar setting (uni.) punish myself for eating too much. release the anxiety & the sadness & the anger.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
-it will bring a decision which i made for mysef & noone else will know about. it will make me, me. it will enable me to be myself, with my own identity. it's something none of my flatmates can do.
it will take away my self-respect. i'm doing well without it.
itll bring regrets.
but it will be so liberating.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't know.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will last. i'll be able to see something on me, something i did, the marks will last.
i'll be free from the constraints.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
- nothing.
most of my flatmates have gone home or are out. i tried to go out but came home after a bit. the only guy that is in, i find him odd, don't like him.
my friends will be out. my best friend will be packing to leave this life behind.
listening to music but reminds me of either sad or happy times = both make it bad. at home would take a walk, but it's dark and raining and i don't know the area. always excuses.
could take a shower. tidy my room.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
-
* urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
- i feel like i'm going a bit crazy.
* why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
- loss of home & best friend.
* have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
* what I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
- eaten pasta. = made it worse. and so has music.
* how do I feel right now?
- disassociated. like a fuck-up as i was recovered and happy. i am. should be. over it all.
* how will I feel when I am hurting myself?
- i can't remember how it feels.
odd.
it will prob hurt. but i don't care,
i'm not me tonight.
* how will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
- i'll like the cuts.
* can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
- it's outside of my control. i just want a home. i don't want this to happen. i wish my parents had never split. i wish i was fucking over it.
* do I need to hurt myself?
- i don't need to hurt myself, but i need to feel different from this. i need to feel free & in control.
i miss having someone to talk to. i can't talk to anyone here, uni is a new start. my best friend in the whole world goes to india tonight for 6 months. that's a long time to go without speaking to her.
i'm a little lost.
