before

[frances]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm lonely, I'm on quite a big comedown from the weekend, both in terms of drugs taken and just being on the high that comes from all your friends around you. Now I'm alone, not sure where I'm staying tonight, 5 hours from my friends and not sure if my boyfriend wants to see me.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i've dealt with the post good time comedown before, normally by sitting down in front of the tv and doing useful things, but i can't do that because i'm not at home.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I'm online, i suppose i could go find a hostel/hotel that isn't the one where they keep trying to rip me off and i could meet people to chat to. I could go back to puebla, but that might screw up my plans for the rest of the week.

How do I feel right now?
lonely, low, on the verge of tears, unloved.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

focused, like the rest of the world doesn't matter, there is nothing that i can't do, can't deal with. Every little step will stop seeming so huge.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I don't even know where i'd find to hurt myself. Pissed off becasue then i wouldn't be able to see my boyfriend, but also back in control because then i wouldn't care if he was going to text once he's finished work or not because i'd already know i couldn't see him.
tomorrow, sore and a bit hot and i can't even remember how long cuts take to heal, about two weeks?
Disappointed to break my 8months with one slip (but hey, if there's on e slip, why not two?)

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
It will be done with so soon, if i had somewhere safe to stay tonight, could get on with my work etc then i probably wouldn't be feeling so stressed and isolated.

Do I need to hurt myself?
eek, maybe but the most tempting part is how much control it would give me, control over my boyfriend because i wouldn't be able to see him anyway. control over my current situation. But what about that 8 months?

[frances]

Sorry, you're right that wasn't incredibly clear of me. Basically, i don't have a house in mexico anymore. I do however have some very good friends in one town who i stayed with other the weekend. They generally take good care of me, do what friends do etc. Unfortunately for my dissertation i need to be doing research in another part of the country 5 hours away, where i know one person, my on/off boyf. He gets out of work at 9, and generally i stay with him, but yesterday he did a disappearing act as he had essays to do, but didn't tell me until it was late, so when i wrote the post i had no idea what was going on or where i was going to stay, and that kind of uncertainty make me feel very triggered.
I sorted out by finding a hotel with other people in , so i chatted to them last ngiht, and now i can get on with my work and if he wants to see me fine, but i'm not relying on him anymore