coping with su thoughts hurting others? *su*

[Illumina]

I won't pretend I'm not having a really bad time of it just now. I'm constantly aching and hurting inside, and every now and then I get completely overcome by the serious urge to die. And I keep the means to do so in a drawer in my room (yes, I know that's not safe, but I need to have it there... sorry).

However, my closest friend has been doing all he damned can to keep me here. Sometimes I hate him for it; it would be a lot easier to be able to die and know that I wasn't leaving someone behind that can't cope without me. But I also love him, and I know that he wants me to keep going for him, and that if I keep holding on to him and not letting go, then chances are things might get better. I'm living on that hope. So that's all good, when it gets bad I talk to him, he keeps me holding on.

But last night he said something which was basically "I know I'm being horrendously selfish, and that I might never understand how bad you feel it is to be you, but I don't understand HOW you can think about leaving me like this. The mere thought of you possibly wanting to commit sucide hurts me more than I can express".

I don't know what to do about that . It wasn't an attempt at emotional blackmail, he wouldn't do that, I'm sure he's just trying to tell me how much he loves me and needs me, and trying to get the hurt across to me.

So my question is, without completely backing away and isolating myself (which, lets face it, is my first thought), how do you cope with your suicidal feelings/thoughts/urges hurting the people around you?

[fuzzy ducky]

I dont really know. I cant really let anyone know about it, I have to keep it all to myself because my friends are just getting tired of it all now. Whenever I try and talk now, I sort of see their eyes glaze over as if to say, hmm here we go again. Ive been depressed and have been having these same thoughts for nearly as long as I can remember. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I still hope that things will get better.

I understand that you are feeling bad now, but you cant let these thoughts take over you and act on it. I think a few people keep things "just in case", I know I do. Its like a security thing.

I think the only thing you have to do is to think about the good things. Try and focus on things that make you feel good about yourself. Face your thoughts head on and dont keep them hidden, cos they wont stay hidden forever. They will only be worse when they pop back up again.

I dont know how much this has helped, but I dont really know how to cope with it because I am going through it by myself. As long as you have someone who is there for you, and obviously cares about you, you know that you are a really special person and that you are so important to someone that they feel they cant cope without you, and I think that is a nice thing to have. It shows you how good and how special you are.

[plantt]

really i'd say think about it
how would it *not* hurt him? if you really care about someone & truly believe they can get through things & all... how would it *not* hurt you to know they want to kill themself? even if you didn't believe they ever could get better... to know they were hurting so bad... would hurt.
if someone wasn't hurt.... then i'd wonder about them.
how we think... our behaviors... our urges... our emotions... can & do impact others. regardless of what many of us like to believe (myself included) we are not solitary creatures.
have you discussed through with your friend? have you been willing to work on getting through things & have you come up with a plan to keep yourself safe? since he knows you have su urges imo it's only fair that he know what you're doing to keep yourself from acting on those.

[heartonmysleave]

the problem is that suicide is horrendously selfish, no matter what way you think about it. even if the only damage you do is that someones going to have to find your body, or watch you die. for people who love you...wanting to die is always going to hurt them...I havn't found a way to make it better for them.