Before

[megamonica]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It won't. I'll still feel like a loser who has no life. I'll still feel that I have nothing meaningful to make life worth living. I'll still be discontent and sad.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Hurting myself will bring some well-deserved pain. But, after that initial pain, it will feel so calming. It will feel like all the tension and sadness that makes my chest feel constricted and heavy is taken away. It'll just leak out of me from the wound. Every drop of blood will be one that I can't cry.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I would like to think that I want to be happy. But that seems like it will never happen, so hurting myself would at least make it, I don't know, bearable. That doesn't make sense. If it's not ever going to get better, then I need something to numb it all with. But I guess I'm not answering the question. If my goal is to be happy, well adjusted, and content with myself and my life, then cutting myself would be a step away from my goal.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Hurting myself will only make me feel better for about an hour, but it also might help me sleep, so really it'll make me feel better until I wake up in the morning. Then, I don't know. I don't know what I'll do then. It's quite a depressing thought to think about it, though. I mean, the sadness will just keep coming back, and all I'll be able to do to take it away is hurt myself. I haven't hurt myself in so long, but all the pain and sadness is still there. It's been a couple of years, but I still haven't been able to fix myself. So, if I do this, I'll keep doing it every time the pain comes back.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Well, the only thing I can think of is to drink, but I can't do that because my roommate is here. Also, I only have enough left for a shot or two, and that won't do it. And I hate drinking the night before class. I try to do it only on the weekends so that I can sleep it off and not have a hangover. I could try to write, but I'm tired of writing about this. I don't know what else to do. It always sounds the same- so whiny when I write about how I'm feeling. I suppose I could just try to sleep.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Tomorrow I will feel horrendously guilty if I hurt myself tonight. I will feel like a complete and utter failure. I will hate myself.

If I just go to bed, I'll still feel like crap in the morning, and I'll feel guilty for wanting to hurt myself. Although I suppose I won't feel as guilty as if I actually went through with it.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Right now, I really want to cut. I want for my outsides to match my insides. But I also want to be happy. And I know that I can't if I start cutting again.

[balletomane]

If I just go to bed, I'll still feel like crap in the morning, and I'll feel guilty for wanting to hurt myself. Although I suppose I won't feel as guilty as if I actually went through with it.

Do you feel guilty for having SI urges? It sounds like that could put you into a cycle of feeling bad, then feeling guilty for feeling bad, which makes you feel worse.

What other distractions (besides drinking) can you use? Are there other coping things that you can use when you are not alone?

What sorts of things helped in the past when you faced similar situations?

I'm sorry you are feeling so urgy. Take care of yourself.

[megamonica]

Hey, thanks for the reply. I eventually got tired of wrestling with myself (it was already past my bedtime when I posted!) and went to sleep.

I do feel completely guilty for wanting to SI. I feel guilty for not being happy.

These are the reasons I feel guilty about these things:

* I feel like a burden on my already-burdened friends. They all have their own lives, with their own problems, so I feel guilty when I can't bring positive things to these relationships. I also don't want to feel guilty if they can't help me, or don't have the time to help me.

* I know that no one can fix me but me. The problem is, I don't know how to do that. I feel guilty that I can't seem to make myself happy. I should be able to. I stopped SIing, but other stuff just replaced it, and I still want to SI a lot of the time. And I still have all the same issues that I had when I did it regularly.


Distractions:

* I go online.

* This one gets me into trouble sometimes: I buy movies online.

* I watch the many movies that I buy.

* I read.

* I eat.

The problem with these is that they are just escaping, and they just isolate me more, and make me feel like even more of a loser since I spend all my time here by myself.