After

[eatredapples]

Have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? If not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yeah. We didn't have bandaids, though. Oh well.


What had happened just before?

Got in a small fight with my dad. About editing his work papers, no less.


What were you thinking and feeling?

I was so upset. It's not my fault that the person who helps him is going to be gone for two weeks, yet I feel guilty when he says it. He wanted me to look over papers where he made changes I had noted down, and I told I'll probably do it later. Then he says how he'll be without his helper for some time and...it's not my fault! But I just got so upset and I even said that he's making me feel guilty over it. He just things I get upset to easily. Gah, he doesn't even understand! Now I feel stupid and guilty because I got upset and just overall bad.


Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was teh final straw? What was it?

Probably because I had the opportunity. I've been feeling down for a week or so now, and this was just icing on the cake, I guess. I just hate when I make people upset and I feel so guilty for it. I always seem to be agitated when I'm around my dad, so I feel even more guilty for it.


How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I probably kept pushing it...I don't know. I should have just shut up and looked at the stuff, instead of saying that the way he says it makes me feel guilty. I just shouldn't have gotten angry.


Were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?

No. Maybe I should be on meds. I used to, but not for over a year now. I've been sleeping okay, but I've been more tired then usual. I've just been down lately again. I don't know what to do about it. There's no one I can talk to about it.


What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?

I put away some clothes, took some deep breathes, and put on this bracelet, but I still really wanted to do it. I don't think I tried hard at all. It was like once I had thought about it I had to do it.


In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?

I should have tried coming online, either chatting with someone (not about what was going on, but just in general), or filling out a 'Before' post. I should have tried coloring because I think I have some of that stuff with me.


Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Maybe I can put my coloring stuff out instead of having it in a bag. That way I won't forget about it. I need to work more on forcing myself to try and do other things instead. My computer was right in the room and I didn't even use it.


How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I feel guilty about it, but then I feel bad for feeling guilty because I shouldn't feel that way. Gah! I'll probably appologize or just act like it never happened. Right now I'm holed up in my room and my dad is doing business stuff so I wouldn't really call it resolved. I just wish he would be more considerate in what he says and not think it's kind of funny that I get so upset.


Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I know I'll be in something like it again. It just seems to come on so fast with me being angry for something he said or did. I need to just stop talking or something. I don't know.


What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.

Coloring, going online or watching television. I'll more then likely be able to do any of these easily wherever I'm at. Maybe even just go and look in a mirror and breath (that's what I do at work).
[/b]

[kurdt_kobain]

First off and foremost, I want you to repeat something loud and clear to yourself. I want you to say it over and over again until it becomes clear inside your head. Self-injury is not failure. Hurting myself does not mean I failed.

Self-injury isn't bad in and of itself. Only when you take no steps to changing the situation and you don't try to figure it out is it failure. The failure comes after the SI/urge--the failure to act in a positive manner to make it better. Just coming on this board indicates that you didn't fail. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

After reading your post, I think the problems with your father isn't the real problem. It was the trigger, but not the root of the problem. You said:

Probably because I had the opportunity. I've been feeling down for a week or so now, and this was just icing on the cake, I guess. I just hate when I make people upset and I feel so guilty for it. I always seem to be agitated when I'm around my dad, so I feel even more guilty for it.

It sounds to me like you don't have a healthy relationship with your father, and when you're having a hard time with other things it really gets to you. How are things with your father when you're in a normal/happy mood? Does it upset you as much?

Why were you feeling down for the whole week? Was there anything specific that's been bothering you? Was there something you were doing every day to cheer yourself up? I've found it's always helpful to take care of myself when I'm upset on a daily basis--it gives you something to resort back to when an urge hits. I've also found it makes urges come less and less frequently because I'm more competent at dealing with triggers when I haven't been upset for a period beforehand.

I was so upset. It's not my fault that the person who helps him is going to be gone for two weeks, yet I feel guilty when he says it. He wanted me to look over papers where he made changes I had noted down, and I told I'll probably do it later. Then he says how he'll be without his helper for some time and...it's not my fault! But I just got so upset and I even said that he's making me feel guilty over it. He just things I get upset to easily. Gah, he doesn't even understand! Now I feel stupid and guilty because I got upset and just overall bad.

It's tough to feel misunderstood, and it's even harder to make a point when you have a reputation for being "upset easily." Maybe you could approach him when you're in a better state and not so upset and try having a discussion then. And I'd avoid the phrase "It's upsetting me" or along those lines. Maybe you could just say, "Hey, Dad, I'm sorry your assistant left but I don't have time to edit your papers all the time. Could I just do it _____ and ______ instead. " or something like that. Questions posed in a reasonable tone go over better with parents.

(I learned this the hard way; my dad calls me "Chinese Actress." )

How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I probably kept pushing it...I don't know. I should have just shut up and looked at the stuff, instead of saying that the way he says it makes me feel guilty. I just shouldn't have gotten angry.

Pushing what? Your father? I don't think you were pushing him so much as pushing yourself--feeling bad for a week or two makes triggers very easy to give in to. What can you do to keep yourself happy on a day to day basis?

No. Maybe I should be on meds. I used to, but not for over a year now. I've been sleeping okay, but I've been more tired then usual. I've just been down lately again. I don't know what to do about it. There's no one I can talk to about it.

Do you think you need medication? Have you been better or worse without it? As for no one you can talk to, there's always someone. There's BUS. We're good listeners. And there has to be at least one IRL friend that can make it better.

Do something good for yourself. Buy a nice CD with happy songs. Wear a skirt and converse. Spend hours in the shower. Small things over a while can be a nice pick me up.

I put away some clothes, took some deep breathes, and put on this bracelet, but I still really wanted to do it. I don't think I tried hard at all. It was like once I had thought about it I had to do it.

Do you think it would have been like that if you were in a better state mentally?

I should have tried coming online, either chatting with someone (not about what was going on, but just in general), or filling out a 'Before' post. I should have tried coloring because I think I have some of that stuff with me.

Ohhh coloring. I love to color. Have you bought one of those velvet art sets and some nice markers? Those are fun and distracting. Maybe that will keep your hands busy.

What do you think someone would have said if you were chatting to them about what actually happened? Do you think they would have let you talk to them? Have you tried?

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Maybe I can put my coloring stuff out instead of having it in a bag. That way I won't forget about it. I need to work more on forcing myself to try and do other things instead. My computer was right in the room and I didn't even use it.

Those are good suggestions.

I feel guilty about it, but then I feel bad for feeling guilty because I shouldn't feel that way. Gah! I'll probably appologize or just act like it never happened. Right now I'm holed up in my room and my dad is doing business stuff so I wouldn't really call it resolved. I just wish he would be more considerate in what he says and not think it's kind of funny that I get so upset.

Every emotion you have is vaild and you should not feel guilty for feeling it, even if the emotion is guilt. Nothing you feel is wrong.

How can you make it not happen again?

I know I'll be in something like it again. It just seems to come on so fast with me being angry for something he said or did. I need to just stop talking or something. I don't know.

Again, does he always make you this angry?

Good luck.

Oh, and I'd like to add that your icon makes me pleasantly heartbroken.

[plantt]

i do think that emotions are valid just as they are... if you feel guilty then you feel guilty. i think it's unjustified guilt though.
your dad was asking you to do something that really wasn't your job. & he was asking you in a way that you felt guilty for not wanting to.
& that's ok.
being asked to do things that really aren't our job... & not wanting to do those things is ok.
it really is ok that you didn't want to.
even if thinking it through you chose to anyway... because he's your dad & he wanted the help or for any reason... it's still ok to not want to.

[eatredapples]

plantt: Thanks. I need to learn that anything I feel is okay. I went though such a long time not wanting to feel anything, and thinking that anything other then happy was bad and just needed to be punished for (especially anger). It's tough.

kurdt_kobain: Wow, that was a really long reply. Thank you! I decided to go through and answer questions you asked, and I found them really helpful for me.

How are things with your father when you're in a normal/happy mood? Does it upset you as much?

Things are okay, I think. Just a lot of things bug me, and it seems out of my two parents, they are in him more. I'm sure it's me, and I'm just being too hyper-sensitive or something. I think he, along with my sister, are just people that can make me go from happy to upset/angry in a matter of seconds. Most of the time I am really patient, but there are select people who I'm just not patient with. I just need to work on this and try and take a breath and step back before I start talking.

Why were you feeling down for the whole week? Was there anything specific that's been bothering you? Was there something you were doing every day to cheer yourself up?

I get down every now and then, which isn't so bad as being down all the time, I guess. Summer is almost over and I'll be back in school, there are some health issues with my cat, my sister is being just....not the greatest and it's driving us all nuts (and makes me worry about my dad), there's someone at work that is really bothering me. I think it's just a combination of a lot of things plus just being on a down mood already.

I've found it's always helpful to take care of myself when I'm upset on a daily basis--it gives you something to resort back to when an urge hits. I've also found it makes urges come less and less frequently because I'm more competent at dealing with triggers when I haven't been upset for a period beforehand.

That's a really good idea. Many times when I'm upset and get into a down mood I don't take that good care of myself. Maybe I should find something I can do often (I don't think I can do it daily) that would be nice for myself. I'm not sure of many things I can do, especially since I'll be busy with school coming up, but maybe I can make a mix CD of songs that make me feel good. I can listen to that at night, or anytime, really.

Maybe you could approach him when you're in a better state and not so upset and try having a discussion then. And I'd avoid the phrase "It's upsetting me" or along those lines. Maybe you could just say, "Hey, Dad, I'm sorry your assistant left but I don't have time to edit your papers all the time. Could I just do it _____ and ______ instead. " or something like that. Questions posed in a reasonable tone go over better with parents.

I probably should talk with him, but a large part of me doesn't want to. I guess it's because I don't know how the situation will go and I hate not knowing and somehow preparing and being in control. I don't want anything to be brought up, particularly in regards to depression/SI/therapy/just general weirdness. I realize that pretty much limits the conversation. I like the way you have it set up to talk about it, though. It has a lot less attacking qualities to it.

Pushing what? Your father? I don't think you were pushing him so much as pushing yourself--feeling bad for a week or two makes triggers very easy to give in to. What can you do to keep yourself happy on a day to day basis?

Pushing the issue with my father. I think I wanted to try and say something back, which is really unusual for me, especially in regards to how it is making me feel. I usually don't walk about my feelings unless I'm in a happy mood and I'm saying so. But, yeah, maybe underneath I knew if I pushed the issue and argument would come up and I could relieve the feeling then, along with all the other feelings. It's so tough to say. I'm not sure what I can do to make myself happy daily, but I think I'm going to try making a CD for myself.

Do you think you need medication? Have you been better or worse without it? As for no one you can talk to, there's always someone. There's BUS. We're good listeners. And there has to be at least one IRL friend that can make it better.

I have no idea about the medication part. I used to be on them, but for the life of me I can't remember how my mood was when i finally got some that worked. I ended up getting off them myself slowly for a few different reasons (being a little tired, a little shame for being on them), so I always sort of wonder what I would be like if i was still on them. I'm not in a bad place like I was prior to being on them. Now I more or less cycle between being okay and being depressed. I realize I have to keep myself really stress-free, which is difficult, or I fly off the deep end. I should use BUS more often, just need to get over my fear type thing. The one IRL person that I used to go to a lot, even if I didn't talk to her about anything, moved. I would just go to her house and hang just to get away from the situation.

Do you think it would have been like that if you were in a better state mentally?

If I was in a better mood I don't think the thought would have stuck with me so much, and if it had, I would not have caved in so easily or quickly (it was a span of no more then 3 minutes). It's amazing what a mood can do.

Ohhh coloring. I love to color. Have you bought one of those velvet art sets and some nice markers? Those are fun and distracting. Maybe that will keep your hands busy.

I have not boughten one of the velvet-set things for years, but now I may just have to! I actually printed out some color pages from online (I'm so cheap), particularly anime type ones. It really keeps me focused on something and I don't have much room to focus on much else. And, like you said, keep hands very busy.

What do you think someone would have said if you were chatting to them about what actually happened? Do you think they would have let you talk to them? Have you tried?

I'm too scared to talk to a friend IRL about it. I just won't want it to become weird/uncomfortable between us, or have them worry about it or what not. As far as online goes...I don't walk to many people, and the few people I do I don't want to worry them with it. I don't know how they would react, or I don't want them to react negatively.

How can you make it not happen again?

I'm not sure. I think I just need to walk away when I feel that I'm getting really angry; maybe say I'll talk about it later. Maybe I can just take the papers up with me and do it later. School will be starting soon so I can always tell him I'm busy with homework (and looking at all the books I bought...it won't be a lie).

Again, does he always make you this angry?

Not always, but I'm irritated many times around him. I don't know why. I use to prefer him over my mother, but now it is the other way around. I'm not sure why this is, but it's something I need to work on.

Good luck. Oh, and I'd like to add that your icon makes me pleasantly heartbroken.

Thank you. Your response really made me think. Thanks for the compliment on the icon, but I must admit I didn't make it--just snagged it from the anime section. I really like Fullmetal Alchemist (well, what I've seen so far).