Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
utter loneliness. i wish i had somebody. somebody flirted with me today, more or less openly, but not offering anything. which makes me think of all the empty promises that nobody has ever kept.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yeah, many times. i read a book until i fell i asleep. felt better the next day. why does the feeling always have to come back?!
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i wrote about it. i should write a few poems to get it out, take a shower, read my book, go to bed. it's late anyway.
How do I feel right now?
sad and heartbroken.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
still sad and heartbroken.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
right after hurting myself i'll probably feel just a bit of relief but also a lot of pain, it's been a long time since my last time. in the morning i'll probably feel horrible, but deal with the facts.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i can'T avoid it. i can'T avoid being flirted with just for fun. i can't avoid feeling lonely and tired and alone. i really don'T know how to deal with it better in the future. i try not to think about it.
Do I need to hurt myself?
no, i don't. but there's this tiny voice that's just screaming i deserve it anyway.
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
that's the problem, the situation won't change. just my feelings, and that only for a bit.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring nothing but more pain to the situation and probably more loneliness coz the hiding and maybe even some lying will start all over again. i hate to have to lie, and i don'T want to hide anymore.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel free. i don't want to feel this desperate need for attention anymore. for any kind of closeness. i want to be able to just live with myself and for myself alone. hurting myself won't make that possible. it will just hurt and that's that.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last maybe for a few minutes, maybe till i fall asleep. but tomorrow morning it'll be bad. i'll feel even more horrible and hideous.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could take a shower, read a book, go to bed. this will last until tomorrow morning, then i can go about figuring something else out.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
nurture myself. maybe eat the rest of my chocolate bar, take a really, really hot shower to get rid of all the muscle tension. maybe i can even squeeze out a few tears. i'd love to be able to cry and let go. we'll see...
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