Before *death*

[Something Else]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I found out yesterday that a former student, Orville, died on Saturday. I hadn't even known he was sick. The last time I saw him was about 13 months ago, and he was healthy and active. Apparently it wasn't long after that when he was diagnosed with cancer.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I've known people who died before, but not this young. And I don't know that I did a great job coping then, either.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've posted on BUS. I've cried. I've talked about my memories of Orville. I've distracted myself with TV and computer games and jigsaw puzzles.
  I could distract myself more, or sleep, but eventually I'm going to have to deal with it. I don't know if I can, though. It seems like the feelings are too intense to ever deal with successfully. And no matter what I do, it won't bring Orville back. I'm trying to process this a little at a time, and back off when it gets to be too much, but I'm not sure how well that's working.
• How do I feel right now?
  Sad. Overwhelmed. Angry. Frustrated. Tired.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Forcused. Sad. Alive. Real.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Immediately afterwards, I'll probably feel more tired, maybe I'd go to bed. Tomorrow, nothing will have changed. I might feel less need to SI if I'd already done it, but that's all.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I suppose if I didn't get to know anyone, I'd never have to deal with them dying, but that hardly sounds realistic.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  Yes. No. Maybe. Not *need* exactly, but... I don't know.
• How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
  I'll temporarily feel more focused, more in control. It won't really change much, though.
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  It'll bring a temporary feeling of relief. It will take away the opportunity to cope with this without SI, having to rely on other means, and thus stretch my ability to cope otherwise. I don't think what I just typed actually makes sense, but I know what I mean.
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't know how I want to feel about this. Is there a right way to feel about a 12 year old dying of cancer? I don't want to feel as sad and angry as I do now for the rest of my life. I don't want to forget. I don't want to be okay with it. Really, it doesn't seem like any eventual feeling will be right. And if there is no perfect possible future, how can anything I do lead me to or away from its approximation?
• What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I don't know. I don't have the energy to face this right now, like I figure I'll eventually need to do. Right now, I'm not sure what I could do more than distracting myself, until I can get some sleep. That won't change things any more than SI-ing. Really, SI-ing might involve more processing and change to the situation that just distracting myself.
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  Either way, I'll feel like shit. If I hurt myself now, I probably won't feel inclined to hurt myself again tomorrow, or at least not greatly so. If I don't, I'll go through this again tomorrow.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I think I really want to sleep right now. But I don't know about tomorrow.

[herebedragons]

I'm really sorry about your former student. It's a terrible thing when someone dies young.