before

[Something Else]

I don't think I've used this forum before, but I'll try this.

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I'm not graduating from uni this semester because I failed a class this semester. Today I lied to my co-workers and boss about why I'm not graduating, and blamed the advising system. I feel bad about failing the class, but right now I mostly feel mad at myself for lying, and want to express that anger physically. I'm also apprehensive about how my family will react when I tell them I didn't graduate, and lying to them. Hurting myself might help me relax.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I don't know. I can't think of a comparable time, but I've probably had them.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I've played games online, for a distraction, and had a snack. TV worked for a while, but as soon as the show was over nothing was different. I could try going to bed. If I can't sleep, I could try to read or something.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Angry. Guilty. Upset. Worried. Sad. Disgusted.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Focused. Probably still angry and tense and disgusted and guilty, but the feelings would be focused, controlled. They wouldn't be at large in my head, but poured into the act of SI.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I would probably feel calmer afterward. More sad and tired, and less angry. In the morning I'll probably feel better regardless, because mornings are easier than nights. I'll be a bit disappointed by the SI, and all the other feelings will be back as strong as if I hadn't SIed. I don't know how strong they'll be tomorrow either way, though. I might feel worse, or I might not be as concerned.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  You mean like not failing classes? I don't want to get into that right now--it just makes me feel worse to beat myself up for failing, and it never seems to help (considering how many classes I've failed, and beat myself up over).
  
  Right now, I can't avoid telling people who think I've graduated that I haven't, and I can't really avoid giving them a reason. I can choose to tell the truth, or I can choose to lie. Either way, there's consequences. If I tell my family the truth, they make me feel bad for failing, and I get to listen to my father lecture about what his GPA in college was. And I disappoint my parents, who think I'm more responsible than that. Then I feel angry and guilty and disgusted with myself for failing, more than I already do. Or I can lie, and feel angry and guilty and disgusted with myself for lying.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No. But I want to.

[truce]

jaded

i dont know what to say that could possibly help you, and as i havent been in the position that you are in right now i cant even empathise. distractions as you say will only keep youy from si but as soon as they are finished like the tv programme then you are going to carry on with the urges. i personally see no reason not to lie to your co-workers as to why you failed as they dont always need to know exactly why, but sometime you will have to bite the bullet and tell some-one irl so that you can get the support that you need to get through this, otherwise it just isnt going to go away.

i would suggest maybe talking to your t, family member or close friend that you trust. is there maybe a way that you can rewrite or do something to fix the problem maybe?

anyway, just wanted to let you know that i read and hope that you take gentle care of yourself.
noel