inadequate cutter *SI*

kate_ · Post by **kate_** » Wed May 18, 2005 8:30 am

this is going to sound really low and pathetic. today i saw my T, and we talked about my cutting..she wanted to see my arms, and i said no but couldn't give her a reason why. i just don't want to show people, it makes me feel i don't know..exposed in a way. anyways she said that she's probably seen worse [as a way of making me feel more comfortable about showing her]. i know that this was meant to help, and i didn't realize it until later on, but it made me feel so little and unimportant. it was a huge trig for me, i wanted to make mine the worst she's ever seen. i don't even know why, my SI is not about attention, i didn't show her and i haven't shown anybody. i just need to feel like i'm good at SOMETHING. sounds crazy, but it was an instant reaction, and it kinda freaked me out how my mind works..

Forget Me · Post by **Forget Me** » Wed May 18, 2005 9:07 am

i have felt like that heaps. i am pretty sure loads of people do. just saying you are not alone, though when i felt like that, i kinda wished i was.
i guess you gotta remember that it is not about how badly you cut, it is about how bad you feel. everyone has different coping abilities.

ghoulie13 · Post by **ghoulie13** » Wed May 18, 2005 2:59 pm

...........................

eyeris · Post by **eyeris** » Wed May 18, 2005 3:19 pm

I think I would've reacted the same way you did to hear that . . . even though logically it probably isn't something to be upset about, b/c your T most certainly did not intend to belittle you in any way, I still manage to work my mind into knots interpreting what people say in a skewed way which usually makes me feel worse or that they insulted me or meant to be mean for some reason. I don't know, something like that. I think feeling like you aren't bad 'enough' or the 'worst' she's seen is a way to trick yourself into thinking you don't deserve help b/c "she's seen worse", you know what I'm talking about? I often feel like I don't do anything badly enough to warrant attention from my T or help from her, so that I feel like I'm wasting her time when she could be helping people 'worse off' than I am. Even though I totally understand that a feeling is a feeling, and you aren't going to be able to just change it like that, try to keep in mind that it's the fact that you feel the need to SI, and that you do it, that makes you absolutely deserving of any help you can get from your T. Anyway, don't know if that helped at all

. sorry if it didn't.
Take care,
-e

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Wed May 18, 2005 4:15 pm

I have felt like that before too...like I am not a "good enough" cutter, even though I don't want to be a cutter at all. I want to quit...but there is also a part of me that wants to be a "better" cutter. Sometimes even coming here on BUS can make me feel that way, although it doesn't happen too often. My T once mentioned another cutter he is seeing had X number of cuts on her arm that day...I think he was using it to gague my reaction and see how badly I am cutting. It didn't bother me at the time, but later I wanted to make the same number of cuts...just to show that I could and I am just as good or bad or whatever as the other person is.
I don't really know what to say that can help. But I understand the feeling... Like someone else said, remember that it is the feelings that matter, not the severity of cuts. For some people, a small shallow cut means the same level of internal pain as cuts that send people to the hospital. The outside part doesn't matter as much as the inside does.
Please be safe...

Koru · Post by **Koru** » Wed May 18, 2005 4:57 pm

I can really relate to that, I finally let my ex-b/f see my cuts and he was like, 'that's OK' and I know he was trying to not freak out and be helpful but it just pushed me into wanting to make him see that it wan't OK. BUS also has the same effect sometime, I feel like I don't deserve to be here because I don't cut badly enough, I am just attention seeking. But I know that BUS is about stopping, I don't have to cut at all to belong here, we just have to remember that. I also know that I fight everyday not to make my SI worse, it is a struggle to keep them so they don't scar badly, keep it in hidden places etc and that is smething that most people who haven't SI'd won't understand. The depth of your cuts doesn't demonstrate the depth of your pain.
I'm sure your T understands this but was just trying to reasure you that she won't freak out or try to hospitalise you, she is just trying to make you safe.
I hope you are doing OK.
Koru

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Wed May 18, 2005 9:04 pm

i have felt like that before too. i'm in a bit of a funny place right now, so i can't really explain, but i wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. take care.

anywhere_but_here · Post by **anywhere_but_here** » Wed May 18, 2005 9:14 pm

i've felt like that.. my guidance counselor told me that I wasnt the worst hes seen and that just made me freak out. I went home that day and SIed untill there was no place left on my arms to do it again. I know that he didnt mean to put me in that situation.... but I cant help but want to be as 'good' as everyone else at everything.... even SI.

kate_ · Post by **kate_** » Wed May 18, 2005 10:01 pm

i can't believe how many people can relate...it's horrible, our minds work in such strange ways, especially with SI.

Elena · Post by **Elena** » Wed May 18, 2005 10:38 pm

I can imagine that- I'd probably feel the same, totally. I think it's sort of like when I tell my mom about my problems and she just tells me hers, which are *so* much worse, apparently.

It feels like you have to have the worst suffering in the world, or else you're just complaining, being a wuss. But I don't believe that at all. It's still pain, like everyone else. It's hard, though, not to feel bad about it.

Laika · Post by **Laika** » Thu May 19, 2005 7:09 am

i, too, can relate. even coming on bus, or reading about other SI'ers i think "well i've never been to the hospital for my cuts" and it makes me feel like my problems and pain aren't really relevant or as important. i would never want to show my therapist my arms not for fear that she'd say "oh my GOD!" but for fear that she'd say "oh, pffft, thats fine." its ridiculous, i know i'll be happy years from now that my scars heal better than deeper cuts would but still.....

mallie · Post by **mallie** » Thu May 19, 2005 2:42 pm

I too can relate to feeling like I've not been good enough or bad enough in terms of my SI.

One thing I did just want to point out, that these feelings we all have, are the exact reasons why bus tries to focus on feelings rather than physical injuries -> because all of us, our pain matters, no matter how much we injure. Its all valid.

Dungeon_Lilly · Post by **Dungeon_Lilly** » Thu May 19, 2005 6:24 pm

I can also relate I feel very competative about SI

-Kel- · Post by **-Kel-** » Sat May 21, 2005 10:46 pm

i some times feel like this - its hard to deal with - im not doin it for attention but when ppl see it (that only consists of my 2 most trusted people) i want what they see to worth it so to speak.

i have a perticular friend that when i know im going see i think i should make this time something to notice

i dont understand it and it scary but true

Mindpoison · Post by **Mindpoison** » Sun May 22, 2005 1:29 am

I've definately felt like that. Actually, the first time I showed my T my arm, he was definately trying to hold back his reaction, but I could tell he was shocked, and I got validation out of that. If he told me that he'd seen worse I think I'd feel really triggered too.

indigo_pie · Post by **indigo_pie** » Mon May 23, 2005 7:23 pm

I have felt like that too, Kate. It's one of my main concerns when it comes to people finding out. I mentioned this on the main BUS board, and it was pointed out that it's the emotions behind it - I don't know the emotions behind it either- there are a lot 'worse off' people out there than myself - but are there really? Surely it's about the act itself, the fact that you use a destructive coping mechanism, not how 'bad; you do it, but the fact that you do it.

Stay safe, and you can always PM me if you want.

Indi x

kate_ · Post by **kate_** » Mon May 23, 2005 11:14 pm

thanks

it makes it easier to know i'm not alone..

there are a lot 'worse off' people out there than myself - but are there really? Surely it's about the act itself, the fact that you use a destructive coping mechanism, not how 'bad; you do it, but the fact that you do it.

lots of people have pointed this out, i never really thought of it before. i think it's something that's really important to keep in mind..thank you

silenceBROKEN · Post by **silenceBROKEN** » Tue May 24, 2005 9:08 pm

i can certainly agree to feeling that way.

when i was admitted into IP, the pdoc there asked to see my scars. i showed him, and he said, "hmph. there aren't even many of them." it was a major trigger for me. asshole.

when i first saw my pdoc, he asked how i did the one because it looked cool.

and, my therpist told me today after asking to see my slip from yesterday that i had "hacked" myself up pretty good.

i can relate. A LOT.

i'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Miss Scarlett · Post by **Miss Scarlett** » Tue Jul 19, 2005 12:16 am

Just to add to all the other wonderful comments......

I too have felt that way. In fact, I feel that way frequently. Although I should probably be thankful that I have never received stitches or spent a night in the ER, somehow I only feel that I'm not even good enough at cutting. Somehow it feels as if those who cut deeper have more pain and more problems and I'm just being a stupid cry baby. In fact, for a long time I didn't consider myself a cutter because I didn't feel I did it "good enough." This even despite the fact that all my cuts have left significant scars.

Just wanted to let you know that I know how it feels. Any pain that manifests itself as SI is real pain no matter how deep the cuts run.

**HUGS**

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 19, 2005 5:22 am

i just want to say that i think this thread is wonderful...i mean i can totally and completely relate to what all of you are saying. it is interesting how our brains opperate in the same way. and we think and feel the same stuff...please take gentle care..............................Love Little_Girl

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