After

[eyeris]

* what had happened just before?
I woke up too early (5am), tried to watch tv, ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich . . . then gave in

* what were you thinking and feeling?
I had slipped about four days before, after almost 4 weeks free, and was unsatisfied that I hadn't done enough damage -- didn't cut bad enough . . . I had a need to do it again to make it worse this time because it was kind of a failure last time . . . I was pissed to be up so early, on a day like all my days when there's nothing to look forward to, no reason to be awake. Being up early meant having to be with myself even longer before I could go to sleep for the night again.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
There was no event -- I just needed to cut worse than the last time when I felt like I'd done a pitifully shameful job . . . I'd gone almost a month without cutting, and I didn't feel like trying not to anymore -- I felt like, "What's the point? when everything else in my life is awful and out of my control? When every day I live feels like torture and feels like one more day I should be dead? Why shouldn't I cut myself? At least I'm not finally killing myself, right?", that was the general thought process . . .

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I could have tried harder to go back to sleep -- I could've made coffee to have something for my hands to do, some way to pass the morning . . . I didn't 'have to' cut myself, I just gave in to it because I couldn't find a reason not to.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I could've taken the sleep medicine I have prescribed for me the night before in order to sleep longer -- it just seems to keep me in a dizzy fog the next day, though.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't try anything to stop myself -- I usually do -- I have been doing that for almost four weeks, journaling mainly, sometimes eating which I always hate myself for afterwards . . . I kind of did that this time, but I only end up hating myself for eating and making myself fat (in my head that's the way I see it) . . . I didn't do anything to stop myself this time . . . I just couldn't find a reason not to cut myself, couldn't remember why I had been stopping SI in the first place . . .

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Could have written in my journal . . .

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I guess I can try to keep in mind that writing about the feelings before SIing usually helps diminish the intensity of those feelings, so it helps a little bit . . . but what can I do when everything that I can do to cope seems too overwhelming?

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I still feel like I didn't cut badly enough . . . and I know this mentality is bad because it will only mean I'll try to keep making it worse until I feel like it's bad enough, and it might never reach that satisfied point, which could become dangerous . . . I'll tell my T that I cut again, and ask her to remind me why I shouldn't do it at all . . . why I don't deserve to feel the pain of cutting, though I realize these are difficult questions and can't expect an answer from her, it would be unfair to expect one . . . I guess I'll just have to think about it -- if anyone here can give me some reasons not to? some ways to think I might be worth preserving? why I don't deserve it? I know it's unfair of me to ask you all also, so I don't know, sorry . . .

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I think I will be in that place again -- that point where I feel nothing is holding me back from making my cutting worse than the last time . . . I'll recognize it when I start to think too long about how much worse I can make it this time . . .

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1- I'll try to write in my journal
2- I'll try taking a walk (if it isn't night time)
3- I'll make a pot of coffee and have some, and try to make my mind turn to other things

[Tiarin]

I had slipped about four days before, after almost 4 weeks free, and was unsatisfied that I hadn't done enough damage -- didn't cut bad enough . . . I had a need to do it again to make it worse this time because it was kind of a failure last time . . .

what does it mean to you to cut "bad enough?" how do you know when you're there?

I was pissed to be up so early, on a day like all my days when there's nothing to look forward to, no reason to be awake. Being up early meant having to be with myself even longer before I could go to sleep for the night again.

I felt like, "What's the point? when everything else in my life is awful and out of my control? When every day I live feels like torture and feels like one more day I should be dead? Why shouldn't I cut myself? At least I'm not finally killing myself, right?", that was the general thought process . . .

sounds like a frustrating place to be. do you think feelings of anger played any role in this— anger either at yourself or at how difficult life is right now?

I'll tell my T that I cut again, and ask her to remind me why I shouldn't do it at all . . . why I don't deserve to feel the pain of cutting, though I realize these are difficult questions and can't expect an answer from her, it would be unfair to expect one . . . I guess I'll just have to think about it -- if anyone here can give me some reasons not to? some ways to think I might be worth preserving? why I don't deserve it? I know it's unfair of me to ask you all also, so I don't know, sorry . . .

reading this reminded me of times in my life when i've felt utterly desperate for someone to tell me that i didn't deserve this in a way that i would be able to believe. like i've wanted to be gentle with myself, and yet i've felt like i needed permission or something from the outside before i could make that choice. i don't know if that's similar to where you are.

but i am thinking that there is perhaps some part of you that doesn't think you deserve this, that wants better for yourself, that can at least imagine that possibility. because that's what allows you to even ask the question, how can i think about this differently? (which i think is a really good question). maybe acknowledging that voice, no matter how small it might be right now, could be helpful?

my view (for what it's worth): you don't have to somehow earn the right to be treated with kindness and decency. it isn't a question of what you deserve; it's a question of what you need. and it sounds to me like what you need right now is compassion and care, from yourself as much as from anyone else. and that need isn't going to disappear from being told that it doesn't deserve to exist.

i hope life eases up for you soon.

dragonfly

[silenceBROKEN]

i do think the idea of cutting bad enough is somewhat interesting.

however, i can relate. i'm sorry you felt the need to injure. that's about all i can offer tonight.