after...

[Laura]

• have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yeah kind of. Not bad enough to really need anything.
• what had happened just before?
  
  Just before... I'd been at a conference all day and not managing to cope too well with it. Crying randomly and being too scared of all the people to actually go to meals.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  Have to sort hit sone out cos i have a lecture to give.
  I just can't do this.
  Why can everyone else cope and I can't?
  Everyone must think I'm really weirrd.
  People aren't talking to me I think i annoy or depress them they don't take seriously what i say.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
  
  Yes conference. But ive coped with them better than this sometimes.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I don't know. I should have forced myself to go and eat on the first day cos now it's grown into major fear.
  Maybe I should insist that someone talks to me and accompanies me. BUt it's so hard cos they stress me by their talk of maths and because I can't stop crying when people try to talk to me.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  No. Not eating probably didn't help.
  After I SIed I went to a shop and got some bread and stuff.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I posted on LJ. I lay down on my bed for a bit. I tried to do my work.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I suppose I could have phoned someone. Someone did phone me after seeing the LJ and she came over. It helped a bit, but I'd already SIed by then and it didn't stop me wanting to do more. She offered to take away my SI things but I didn't let her.
  
  I could try to talk to one of the conference people about how Im doing. But there's nothing they can do about it really. And I don't watn tob e unrelaiable and ungreatedful and useless
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  I'm still in the situation. my first lecture is at 2pm today. I have to do ti somehow.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Can't I just have to get on with it as best i can
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  Very likely. But how do you know how bad you're going to do it until you've done it? How do you know if it's just a minor freaking out or if its a dire emergency?
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  I don't know. I promised I'd ring my friend again if it got that I might SI by my other more drastic method that I don't have the means for atm.
  I'll try listening to some music I have a tape player with me.
  I really don't nkow what else there is cos I'm scared of everyone and a bit scared of being out and visible and I don't really trust people much.

[fire.bird]

I'm still in the situation. my first lecture is at 2pm today. I have to do ti somehow.

*thinking warm supportive things in your direction*

i'll come back and hopefully say something a little more helpful later, but just for right now, good luck with the lecture. i think noticing that eating had something to do with it is great ... did you eat today? can you go get yourself something before the lecture, if not?

keep breathing. in and out, in and out. thinking of you.


~b

[pretty]

I don't know what to say Laura.

I think you need to eat and keep an eye on that. Being hungry makes everything seem much worse.

If you can't cope, it's ok to say that to someone. It's ok not to cope, it's ok to pull out of things you said you'd do. You're far far more important than someone being inconvenienced. If that''s what you need to do to stay sane, it's ok to do it. It's ok to say you can't do it, you're ill, and hide in your room until you feel able to cope again, or to run away to somewhere you do feel safe.

But that can feel like it's impossible, I know. So I don't know what to offer.

I'm thinking of you, and hoping things improve.