Reason to be proud of myself?

[Semiramis]

I think I did quite well today?!
I was not particularily looking forward to this day. I don't like sundays, I'm usually bored and restless and already worrying about the following week. So I try to sleep as long as possible in the morning. And this sunday was even more difficult because I had asked my dad to let me drive somewhere (I am learning to drive. In Switzerland you have to be eighteen to do this) and to train how to park etc. My dad said yes, but I know he doesn't like to give me driving lessons. He is too nervous and impatient and sometimes a bit harsh. Ok, I am oversensitive when it comes to criticism, and then I am harsh and angry and I feel like a failure who can't do anything right.
This morning, my family said they would go to an arts exhibition. Firstly, I didn't want to go there. As I said, I hate sundays and I don't want to spend more time than necessariy with my family. I thought while they were at the exhibition, I could stay at home, eat a lot, SI and worry about the driving lesson in the afternoon.
But then sponateously I decided to go with my family to the exhibition, if I could drive the way there and back. And I did quite well I think.
In the afternoon I went parking with my dad, and I was afraid of it because yeah for me it's a pretty stressful time emotionally and I am very bad at parking.
And when I came home I felt restless - and I decided to do some sports insteatd of cutting.
And afterwards I felt much better! And I also played the flute. I only do that if I have time and want to be nice to myself. Usually I'm in the mood of "doesn't matter anyway, I am baad at playing so why even practise" and then I don't do it.
I didn't do the stuff I intended to do for school, and I didn't beat myself up over it like I would have done usually!
And in the evening I didn't drink wine for dinner with my family. Usually if I drink wine I keep on drinking other stuff in secret, in my room. But I decided I am not going to do that today.
And till after dinner I didn't eat anything in between meals (no sweets, no chocolate etc.) But in the end i blew it all again and eat a lot of sweets.
I think I can be quite proud of myself for the rest of the day though???!!!! Or am I being too proud and optimistic????!!!

If there wasn't that fear of the future I always have... it seems to be driving the ed and SI and drinking. So often I am afraid that I will fail and do everything wrong, or that I will end up being deceived or hurt. I know these fears are a bit irrational because usually after the event (eg. a driving lesson, a big piece of work I have to do etc.) I feel like "well it wasn't so bad, the fear was unnecessary".
I find it a lot easier to worry and be afraid of things and in the end be happy if they are over. It's easier than trying to be positive and in the end being deceived.
I feel it's better to hurt myself first before I will end up being hurt by someone else in the end.
My t sais that I should go about things in a neutral way. I just feel that it is impossible.
It's easier to use things like overeating, drinking, SIing to forget about things and numb yourself. Then I get a bit of the feeling that "it doesn't matter anyway, I am a failure anyway". And then the fear is a bit eaiser to sustain.

I don't know if this makes much sense. thank you for reading this long post! Does anyone of you feel the same? Do you have any advise how to go about my fear, or how to make it go away? Any comments?

[plantt]

sounds like a very good day to me! you did things that will get you towards your goals even though those things were really difficult & you didn't really feel like doing them. you stayed away from doing things that you knew would end up with you hurting yourself.
sounds very effective & i think you have every reason to be proud of yourself

[splitimage]

Sounds like you had a very good day & accomplished a lot.

congratulations.

--splitimage

[fire.bird]

absolutely be proud of yourself!! what a fantastic day for you. and i'm glad you posted about it -- not only did you accomplish some things that are generally real struggles for you, but you gave yourself some space to feel proud of yourself and share that, even though feeling proud of yourself sounds like it's a struggle, as well. good job!!!

Do you have any advise how to go about my fear, or how to make it go away? Any comments?

<small sigh>

if you find the magic pill, let me know. in the meantime, though, i think sunday was a great example of how to make your fear go away -- one small step, one small victory, at a time.


~b