before :(

[Laura]

1. <i>Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? </i>
   I'm angry. Angry with a guy I know and the stuff he says about mental illness. And I'm frustrated cos I can't tackle him about it, because he's none too bright and when I raised it with him before he just got upset and scared that he'd caused offence, which I tried to reassure, but then he just goes on saying the same sort of stuff. I hate it that he sits and thinks he's better than "crazy" people because he doesn't have a mental illness after all (no? he has ADHD and Tourettes, which ARE mental illnesses.)
   And because I'm angry I can't concentrate on my work. And I have trouble with that anyway. There is a big important deadline very soon and I MUST get on with it but I hate it so much.
   And I hate myself for having such strong feelings of anger against a guy who is basically just not bright enough to understand what he did wrong. I want to lash out at myself.
2. <i>Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? </i>
   The anger thing is unusual. The not being able to work has happened many times. Sometimes I've managed to just force myself to do it, sometimes I've found SI helped, but sometimes the SI has had to be so bad that then I couldn't make the deadline cos of being IP. I SO don't want that. And yet I wish someone would acknowledge how hard this is. I've been living here for 6 months on zero support - seen GP twice for meds and that's it.
3. <i>how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?</i>
   It will get rid of the anger and the self-hate, and might enable me to concentrate on work. I've done that before, sat working with my arm on a towel to dry.
4. <i>what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?</i>
   It will justify it, and end it, close it all off and free me to move on.
   It will take away my SI-free time, which is what I'm using to tell myself that I am recovered and I can cope with all that I'm meant to do. Including the voluntary work that I really want to do - they might not let me if they found out I SIed again.
5. <i>What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? </i>
   I sent composed an email to the guy, but didn't send it instead forwarded it to another friend who was there when he said these things.
   I've been distracting myself on the web, shopping, eating.
   But these things aren't getting my work done are they?
6. <i>How do I feel right now? </i>
   Angry, frustrated, tearful, rubbish, afraid of the future.
7. <i>How will I feel when I am hurting myself? </i>
   Calm and steady and in control. Unless I find I can't do it badly enough and then I'll feel stupid and angry.
8. <i>if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?</i>
   It might last quite a long time, if it gets me over this patch and enables me to finish the piece of work. If so, then I won't need to do anything more.
   If it doesn't help enough, well then I'm back to square one.
9. <i>what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?</i>
   I don't know anything else that isn't postponing the work. And I've been trying to do this piece of work for months now, and there's only a week left. I can't afford to just hope it gets better.
10. <i>how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?</i>
    If I get the work done, I'll feel glad and feel that the SI was justified - although I suppose it will make me want to use it more often, and make me more afraid of whether I'm capable to do my job and whether I'm safe to stop the meds as my doctor wants soon and whether all the horrible stuff is going to start up again.
11. <i>how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?</i>
    "I don't believe in self-harm". I mean that - I don't think it's a good way of dealing with anything. Using it right now won't fit with that.
12. <i>Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? </i>
    The anger - people will annoy me, it happens. I could try not to brood about things so much cos that makes it worse.
    The work thing - well that's a big problem. I wonder if it's my job, or just me. Should I quit my job? Should I quit me?
13. <i>Do I need to hurt myself?</i>
    I honestly don't know. The anger thing is stupid, but the work thing - well something has to help, and FAST.

[Jomomma]

Can you take a few minutes to write down the things that you like about you?
Your skills talents and the such
It may cause a few minute delay in the work you are supposed to be doing but it may help you realize how special you are and help you concentrate a bit more.

I'm sorry your friend says what he does about mental illness.
Unfortunately many people in this world just don't want to see how their words affect others and feel that they are somehow imune to any problems whatso ever.


Take gentle care of yourself

Jo

[pretty]

I'm sorry this might be a bit late. I just wanted you to know I read.

Did you get going on your work? Taking time out to take care of yourself does delay work, but if it might well be that you would have just spent that time procrastinating and beating yourself up rather than on work. If you can get your head down and get something done afterwards, it's time well spent.

I hope you're ok Laura. Take care of yourself.

[Laura]

Thankyou both.

Hmm, I did try the writing down talents thing but didn't get far - it seemed like most of the qualities I like about myself were things I was <i>not</i> displaying right now: like being hardworking, reliable, not quick to take offence I suppose that's an interesting thing to discover: I feel bad when I act against certain qualities that I am proud of. Didn't make me feel better though

In the end I sort of mucked about until it was definitely time to sleep and then did so. Like, I wrote the day off but I didn't SI.
Yesterday I did get a bit of work done, in between getting up late and going out to do voluntary work Somehow telling myself I have only 2 hours makes me do more than if all I can see is an endless day of work.
The voluntary work makes me feel good, although it does jumble my head a bit.

Thanks. Your replies really do make me feel less alone, as well as helping me to think about stuff.
Laura