i've relapsed. AFTER.

[silenceBROKEN]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. yeah sure they're taken care of. like i deserve it anyway.


what had happened just before? i was at twirling practice and we were practicing our show, goign through it over and over. our coach stopped us after one run-through and said, "do you guys even care about twirling? come on show me you care. get your act together. we need to be a team and work hard. show me you care. start over." we did it againg, except i really screwed up (dropped seven times) and i realy really really cre about twirling so i got so pissed at myself for fucking it up. twirling is the only part of my life that i like and when that starts to fall apart, everything else doesn't matter. i wasn't thinking straight at all, and the coach told us that we had a five minute break. i grabbed a tool from my bag and ran to teh bathroom. it was so fast. i wasn't thinking, and before i knew it; my wrist was bleeding. then i got upset over cutting and came home and did it again. showered, looked at what i had done to myself, felt like even more of a failure and cut again. i can't count weeks/days anymore. it's just too many slips. i'm fuckign relapsed.

what were you thinking and feeling? that i was a fuck-up, a failure.
that i was ruining everything. i was angry, upset, frustrated, and pissed. i felt worthless.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? because i didn't think through anything. i just impulsively injured myself. if i just would have taken a breath... i wouldn't have done it the first time, and then wouldn't have done it the other two. if there was a final straw it probably was when i grabbed my tool and ran to the bathroom.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. i could have taken a deep breath, talking to my friends in twirling, practiced the stuff i screwed up, talked to my coach, went outside for fresh air.


were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? no outside factors that i can think of.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? i cried, it worked a little, but i didn't use it long enough for it to effiently work. i just self-harmed. impulsive.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? same i listed above... i could have taken a deep breath, talking to my friends in twirling, practiced the stuff i screwed up, talked to my coach, went outside for fresh air.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. i promise myself i will take a deep breath before reacting to anything from now on. i will remember this situation and the guilt i feel.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? i talked to the coach after practice, and i plan on practicing as much as i can on my own time this week, so yes, it is resolved.


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? yes somewhat likely. i don't know how i could recognize it. i'm not sure i'm understanding the question.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
deep breath, talk to somebody, practice the things i screwed up.

[plantt]

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

i think it's going back to the 'what were you thinking/feeling?' question...

what were you thinking and feeling? that i was a fuck-up, a failure.
that i was ruining everything. i was angry, upset, frustrated, and pissed. i felt worthless

so how can you recognize that you're feeling angry & frustrated & worthless... what can you do to step back & recognize how you're thinking & feeling... without jumping straight to si?

why do you keep tools in your bag? especially when you mention that you cut impulsively... if tools are less accessible then it'll give you a moment to think. the time it takes you to find a tool will be time for you to stop & think through the situation before simply acting on it.

it sounds like you took what the coach said highly personally. do you think he was meaning for it to be taken that way? was it a 'point finger & blame' or a 'this is coach-style for motivating twirlers'? if you had taken it less personally do you think it'd have been so upsetting?

i'm relapsed

so you've relapsed... it can happen. simply means that you need to pick yourself up & keep going it's not the end of the world. it sucks. it hurts. it's frustrating. it's not impossible to get through

hang in there