After post...

[onlypurples]

1. have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
I've taken care of them as much as I can. I didn't go to the hospital like I know I should have, but I am willing to call my doc later in the week if anything gets infected. I will keep an eye on them...

2. what had happened just before?
I couldn't reach my best-friend on the telephone, so I called one of her friends that lives in the same city. I found out my best-friend had gotten sick (keeps on blacking out for no reason) and was staying at home for a few days. I panicked when I couldn't reach my best-friend on the telephone to find out if she was okay. I found out second-hand that she was sick and it scared me REALLY BADLY!

3. what were you thinking and feeling?
Is my best-friend going to be okay?
Is she going to die if this turns out to be something serious?
Why didn't she tell me she had been getting sick?
Why didn't she tell me she went home and was going to the doc to get tested for stuff?
What if something serious happens and no one tells me?
What if she cannot finish her student-teaching?
What if it is her heart and there is something REALLY wrong?
Why wouldn't she tell me?
Are we still as close of friends as I think we are?
Why wouldn't she tell me? What have I done wrong to not find out?
Why is she telling her other friends and not me that she is sick?
Is she going to be okay?
Is she going to be okay?
Is she going to be okay?

4. why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I couldn't deal with the overwhelming feelings of the unknown. It took me between 2-3 hours to reach her on the phone from the time I found out. I couldn't handle what I was thinking and feeling. I felt so scared and so angry and so out of control. I didn't know what else to do, so I started punishing myself for feeling out of control. I felt like I couldn't do anything to help her and it scared me.

5. how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I couldn't reach on her cell phone or in the dorm or at home. I was really getting scared that she had gotten sick again and had been taken to the hospital and that no one had bothered to tell me what was going on, just like they didn't tell me she had been getting sick in the first place. I found out from one of our mutual friends that she had gotten sick and was spending time at home and I couldn't reach my best-friend anywhere and literally paniced.

6. were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I never get much sleep and I had been worried about my best-friend for a few days, like I *knew* something was going on that she wasn't telling me about.

7. what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Crying and crying and more crying. Then I just ended up crying while hurting myself very badly. I also tried finding people to talk to on the phone so I wouldn't hurt myself. I have been doing this all afternoon and it has helped me from doing much more *damage*.

8. in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I probably should have just waited patiently for her to call me back, like she usually does if I leave her a message.

9. name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
1. Remember that everyone has busy lives and sometimes people don't call you back immediately.
2. She is my best-friend and she will let me know what is going on when she feels comfortable letting me know about it.

10. how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'm still really upset and urging and my screwup was over 8 hours ago. The situation isn't resolved to my satisfaction, but I have talked to my best-friend on the phone and she knows I love her. I also told her I had a screw-up today and I'm not totally sure how is she taking that part of it, but I did verbally claim full responsibility for me losing control over myself and hurting myself. She told me she would call me on Tuesday and let me know how her next doc appointment goes.

11. are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I'm still in part of that emotional place right now. I just get so scared when something happens to someone I care about so deeply. I don't want to lose my best-friend because she is the only person I have. But I am beginning to realize I might not even have her anymore... and I am not in a good emotional place right now at all, even 8 hours post "screw-up".

12. what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. Just crying and crying and crying.
2. Be more patient and let my best-friend call me back before freaking out.
3. Getting online and trying to find someone to talk to.

[pretty]

Hey

I am willing to call my doc later in the week if anything gets infected. I will keep an eye on them...

Please do, you're important and worth taking care of

The situation with your best friend sounds hard and stressful and painful all at once. I think it's important to realise a couple of things. First is that when something happens like someone you love being ill, it's perfectly normal and ok to be worried and upset. I think we spend so much time having reactions to things which aren't normal that it helps to realise that our feelings in these situations are usually normal and ok. It's natural to be feeling hurt, angry, worried and powerless.

The second thing is that people change and grow and move on. It hurts like hell, but it happens and is natural and there isn't much we can do to change it. I'm no longer close to the girl who was my best friend for fifteen years, and it hurt a lot for a while. But both of us had moved on, we're just too different now to be that close. Whatever happens with the situation, it'll be ok.

None of this sounds like it would help you much, bu it might help a little if you can make your peace with the way you're feeling. It doesn't sound as though you can do anything about the situation, but you do have a little control over how you react to it. Let yourself be upset and worried, but try to take the time to take care of yourself and take your mind off it if you can. Do something you enjoy, give yourself a break

I hope your friend is ok, and that you are too. Take care of yourself.

[plantt]

I couldn't deal with the overwhelming feelings of the unknown

it's interesting that it was the lack of immediate phonecall... the not knowing what was going on with your friend... that led to cutting. even though i'm sure you knew that cutting was not going to make the phone ring... it wasn't going to give you answers about your friend.

what do you think could have helped you remember to be patient? or distracted you for awhile... killed time... & given her a chance to call you back?

I also tried finding people to talk to on the phone so I wouldn't hurt myself.

as you've said yourself... people have busy lives... it's not always possible/practical to find someone to talk with when you want to. what are some ways that you can cope alone during times you're unable to get ahold of people? or when you've talked with some people & run out of people to talk with.

hope you're friend is alright... it's difficult when something is wrong that you're unable to 'fix'