have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
They aren't that bad, I haven't cleaned them though, but I will as soon as I get home, promise.
what had happened just before?
I had gone to the grocery store, and blacked out (dissociated) until I got home. I didn't have any tools until then. I bought some while I was dissociated. Then I got home and my mom was making a big deal out of everything, yelling at me for everything, lights on, laundry not done, etc. It just set me off.
what were you thinking and feeling?
I kept thinking that I could never do anything right, feeling like I am always a failure.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
The tools were there, and I was pissed off at my mom and myself. I told myself that I shouldn't but I couldn't keep myself from doing it. The thing that finally set me off was my mom telling me that I would have to spend the entire next day cleaning the house.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
My mom yelled because I left a light on.
She yelled because I left it on again. She yelled because I hadn't started the laundry. She yelled because I hadn't started the second load. Then she told my I had to clean the house.I could have stopped myself at any time, until she told me to clean the house. Had it been any of the first three or all three of them, I could have stopped myself, but the last straw just set me off.
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
None of those apply. Don't do drugs at all, and don't drink that often. I do forget my meds sometimes but have remembered them for the past few days.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't have time to try that much. I journalled a little, but it didn't help with as far gone as I was.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
If I had journalled more, or gotten on the computer, or filled out some of the questionaires that I have filled out, maybe I wouldn't have done it.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I can keep my backpack with me because it has all my coping methods in it. I can also try to get on the computer whenever I am at home. But the biggest thing for me to do would be to get rid of the tools that I bought. My therapist is so used to taking tools from me that it's not even funny.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's resolved. I did everything she said, and that got her off my back for a little while.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
My mom gets me like that all the time. I will prolly be able to recognize it when I am starting to think about pain and blood all the time.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will journal. I will go to BUS. I will take my camera and go take pictures, somewhere new.Hope I did that right. Not in the right mind right now.
~Emily
