Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't know what else to do.. I'm just.. so anxious, and so damned angry, and depressed because it never seems to stop or go away at all.. I don't know what the crucial point was, but I feel like I can't deal with this now without SI. What I actually want to do is overdose... the SI feels like a comrpomise. I want to OD because it leaves my feelings numb for a while, and gives me a while where I can justifiably be "sick" and not have to DO anything except keep breathing, which is all I can manage right about now.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, I've been here before. the lsat time the feeling was this strong, I OD'd. Not the outcome I feel would be best for this, hence the answering the questions thingy. tbh, I was just numb afterwards. I didn't care that I might have died. I just didn't want to stay in the hospital but aside from that I really didn't feel anything or care about anything. But it hurt Nathan, which hurt me later when I realised I'd hurt him. And I missed Chris' birthday and fel bad for abandoning him.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Nothing much, really.. I had a shower so I'd feel nice, and my hair would be all soft. I had a couple of glasses of wine to try and take the edge off. I sat and talked and played on the xbox with people, but I'm so not in a social mood tonight and everybody's drunk already. I don't know what else to do.. I could cut instead of ODing, but that's not an ideal solution. I could phone the crisis number the doctor gave me, but I'm way too shy to do that. I can't just phone random people about this shit. I can't. I could wait til tomorrow morning and go see my doctor.. apart from the surgery's shut. I don't know. I don't know.
How do I feel right now?
Anxious, shaky, upset and freaked out. Starting to panic. Almost in tears. And angry, I'm almost alwys angry now, and the damn voices and noises in my head will not fucking shut up at all. not one bit.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I won't, that's most of the point. Cold, clinical, maybe slightly inquiring - what happens if I do this, or this, or this? but nothing real in teh way of feelings. I feel unreal, spaced, like it's someone else's body I'm ahting and disrespecting and hurting.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
After hurting myself I'll be slightly sickened, disappointed, relieved in a way but ashamed that I'm that weak. Tomorrow will be all about ignoring, forgetting and hiding it away. Pretending it never was.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Stressors:
Anger Voices/noises in my head Time pressure on assignments Time pressure to find a placement Uncertainty as to whether Nathan's mad at me which leads to Loneliness/abandonmentSolutions:
Unknown. I don't know why I'm angry or why the voices tell me to hurt people. Again, unknown. Keep taking my Zyprexa, but that's not going to help immediatley. Get them over and done with. Start the next ones earlier Contact my tutor and explain that with the violent thoughts/voices/images I keep having, i don;t think it's safe for me or anyone else that I go out on a placement. Maybe talk to my doc first. I know he's not mad at me, but I don't feel it. This one just takes time for me to relax and have confidence that we're ok. Again, a matter of hanging on in there til it feels better.The overall theme here seems to be to tie up some loose ends and to get some reassurance from Nathan that he's not angry with me. SO what I'm going to do about that is:
Compose a letter to my tutor about my placement Make myself a post-it in my diary to go to the doctor's on Monday. Keep taking my meds properly Stay away from people who make me mad get hugs from Nathan Start doing assignments tomorrow - maybe find some resources tonight so I can start in the library tomorrowDo I need to hurt myself?
I don't know. There's a lot that I can't do anything about immediately on my stressors list, but I've tried to do some preperation and think about what can be done and when, which helps a little. I don't know, we'll see. I may come and post here again later.
If you got this far, thankyou for reading
Jaime
